To think dh did the right thing in a very difficult situation?

[FeelSoSorry]

At the start of the year we were totally blindsided by an ex of dh from a long long time ago getting in touch to say that dh was the father of her 19 year old.
She had cheated on her husband who had then demanded paternity testing for the children and (she has 3) he was not the father of 2. She has then alleged that dh was actually her ds1 father and got in touch via family.

It caused us a lot of stress and heartbreak. Dh had to choose whether to meet with him and then get tested or have a test and if he was his son to then build a relationship. He said that he didn’t remember ever having unprotected sex with her and yet he couldn’t rule out that he was his dad and if he had missed 19 years of a relationship he didn’t want to miss a day more so they met.

The test showed that dh was not the father. To be honest this wasn’t the result we expected as even I thought looking at them that they looked similar.

Ever since dh family have been criticising his ‘hasty actions’ in meeting first rather than waiting for the test results. I feel it’s really unfair as he was trying to do his best? It was a shitty situation to find ourselves in and he tried really hard to quickly do the right thing.

MIL made a comment yet again today about it (she is friends with a relative of the woman concerned) about her still not being able to identify the father and saying how dh was trigger happy to take on someone else’s child and lucky that he bothered to get the test done ?!

AIBU to think they should all be proud of him as I am for trying to step up ?

Of course she was in the wrong but this thread isn’t about her….

The thread is only about DH and his actions towards his potential son and his family’s reaction.
That has nothing to do with her.

I agee in some ways, but is villain the right word here? She isnt a criminal. People have sex, babies are created, its how the world goes round. Sometimes that happens outside of the expectations and plans for the parents but thats life.

Your DH really should have tested before he met this boy. Poor lad - dealing with a nasty divorce of his parents AND a question about his paternity. Poor lad. Very bad judgement on your DH's part.

I dont understand why he would tell his family until he had proof he was the father

Poor child.

Why is it any of their business and why does it matter now? Presumably the child hadn’t become entangled in your lives in a short space of time and hadn’t been “taken on” by your husband? At aged 19 presumably he also understood the process and could also have said he would wait until the results came through? Presumably now there is no ongoing need to be in contact and it is for the mother to make amends to her son for the mess she’s created.

If i was the dc I'd be happy that my dad wanted to meet me before the test, it seems as though they're more willing to step up. YANBU OP.

Ive missed where OP says her husband forced the young man to meet him?

I think your husband was pretty stupid to meet the boy before a DNA test was done. I hope he didn't announce himself as his father. It's very unfair on the boy, apart from anything else. It's a weird decision from both his mother and your DH to do that to the boy, when he's thought he knew who his dad was his whole life. The adults involved really should have got their facts straight before involving the lad. Doncha think?

As I expect it to be a long thread I do hope you will stick around and contribute to all of it and engage properly with the people taking time to respond, even if it runs for several days, instead of plonking down a couple of posts just to get the whole thing going then disappearing? Otherwise it might come across like it's not real, just another one of those engagement farming threads.

The 19 year old also had agency in this. He will have known the test result could go either way. The poor lad is probably feeling a bit lost, but not because he met your husband. He is feeling lost because he has lost his identity and doesn’t know who he is. It’s very sad, as his real Dad is the one who brought him up and is on his birth certificate, regardless of genes. I hope he gets some answers and the relationships and stability he deserves. Well done to your husband for doing the right thing by engaging.

No one knows how they would react unless it happens to them. He was honourable and respectful. What a shame him family know and are being dicks about it. It will have had a significant impact on your DH even though he’s not the father. His mum should be proud of her son regardless on stop reminding of a horrible situation. There’s no winners here. I’d be saying to the family it needs to be to stop being mentioned and to drop the subject entirely (amongst themselves as well). If they can’t/won’t do that, then go low contact. If it’s ever referred to after, then don’t react verbally just literally walk away and leave wherever you are with them or bang up the phone

True !

Your DH did what he thought was best. In hindsight and without the emotion that he was obviously experiencing, he might have chosen a different approach.

Whatever his decision though it's absolutely not ok for others to be commenting on or criticising what he chose to do. It's of no help and frankly it's not their business.

Presumably your DH was sensible and measured and just telling the lad that he would get the test done and find out?

And didn't go in all Disney Dad and raising his hopes?

It does seem pretty obvious that the test first could save a bit of hope and heartbreak for the kid. But I think it's small potatoes given the situation. Your DH stepped up as he should have and it's always encouraging to see people doing that, especially when shirking responsibility would have been so easy.

MiL going on about it is really unpleasant of her.

The boys mother shouldn’t have suggested meeting the boy first, as she clearly knew there was someone else who could be the father. It would have been far better had she told your DH that he could be the father and asked him to take a test first. Your MIL needs to keep her comments to herself.

What strikes me is that clearly all the evidence pointed to your husband being the dad. The mom thought so. You say the boy looks like him.....

His eagerness to meet the boy ASAP and start playing a role in his life therefore actually speaks really well of him. Let's imagine this from the lad's point of view, if DH HAD been his dad. How lovely to think, wow, my dad was really excited to see me, he didn't even want to wait for the test results before getting involved in my life..... It would have felt a lot more grudging, somehow, if he had insisted on waiting for the results before meeting. This way, he made it seem like he was genuinely excited to meet the lad and form a great bond with him.....

It's gutting it didn't work out that way - but your husband took a gamble on something that could have really bought a feeling of happiness and stability into the life of a young guy who has clearly faced a lot of upheaval before this point.

I'd be super proud of any man of mine who acted in this way. His family can knob off.

Very much this

Basically this, 1000%!

I can’t fault your DH’s intention here, top marks from me here. BUT - I’m guessing the mum said to the kid something along the lines of ‘go meet your real dad’ and now he turns out not to be. That’s so fucking confusing to the poor kid. 19 is still such a young age to be fucking around with someone’s feelings like that - it’s a bombshell to anyone but the emotional maturity still isn’t there to cope with that level of deceit. So on that front I can see why he could have waited. I disagree with MIL though as that’s clearly not the angle she’s coming from - she’s being all gossipy about it.

Hindsight is 20/20. Your DH behaved decently and I feel sorry for him and the young man in this.

The real victim in all of this is the 19 year old, who has really been blindsided.
Good on your DH for meeting him, despite the fact his head must have been spinning.
It seems utterly bizarre that the woman told her son your DH might be his dad, you'd think she'd have said to him she'd sort the DNA tests out and then let him know rather than giving him false hope?!

I think that’s far too harsh: it’s easy in hindsight to say it would have been better to wait, but equally there would forever have been a stain on their relationship if he had been the father but had reacted with scepticism until that was proven. Especially as people found they looked similar. The boy/young man would always have felt that this biological father had been somewhat reluctant and had needed to be forced into acknowledging his existence.

The only thing @FeelSoSorry’s husband got wrong was to have taken his ex’s word on this. But there again, wouldn’t most decent men start by not disbelieving a woman he’s had sex with when she tells him he is the father of her child? IOW by assuming she was right? DNA tests are a recent invention - a woman announcing years later that a man has a child he didn’t know about is not.

What screams at me is… How many men did the women sleep with?

I couldn’t help but think my mum was a slag

I'm in my 60s. My birth fathers reaction on finding out that my mother was pregnant was to sack her, well, he got his staff to. I met him once, 4 decades ago and he spent the entire time (about 10 minutes) denying that I was his. None of this is pleasant and I appauld your DH for standing up, even if it was sadly premature.