To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

I'd go to the show but get up early the next day. I'm sure your friend will understand.

Go to the funeral. Your effort will be appreciated.

You don’t need to go

but when you say “we” you don’t mean his grandchildren can’t go either? They will go with their dad, yes?

No one putting RL pressure on you are they?

Why do you and your friend need to leave at the same time that morning? Get up early and leave yourself.

In your situation I would go to the show and then to the funeral the next day. I would get the train on my own. Your friend can check out later and can see have a few drinks with the show and meal.

I would send a nice card and some flowers to his wife with apologies fir not being able to make the funeral. You say you get on well with everyone so they should understand. You can pay your respects privately at the final resting place another time. I assume ExH will be there to support the kids.

I think I’d do this.

if your kids need you to be there to go obviously you need to go.

Precisely

So the OP just needs to at least be honest on an anonymous thread…. I don’t want to get up at 8am to attend this funeral.

And that’s fine. But obviously don’t quote word it like that in RL

I'd go to the show but make sure I was back for the funeral. As your friend I'd be fine with that and would probably stay in the city and have a day out on my own. I wouldn't expect my friend to drive me back, we'd just travel independently and meet up in the city.

You will be out of town.

Send a card / flowers and apologies.

Maybe take his wife for coffee or lunch the following week.

These suggestions will just fall on deaf ears.

The crux is @InteriorSummit doesn’t want to go!

Oh come on OP, you can easily get up early without your friend. She’s a grown woman so will surely understand that sometimes family has to come first.

No. You don’t have to go. Continue with your plan. You paid your respects.

I’d go in the morning. Even if that means leaving at 8. Your friend will understand & can stay till later. It’s an exceptional circumstance and these things happen.

If you really felt you couldn’t make it on time for the ceremony, at least be there to raise a glass at the wake. People notice who’s there and who isn’t at these sorts of things.

Get up early on the day it's not stupidly early.

Do your children want you there for their grandfather's funeral?

Just don't go you have plans.
It can't be helped.

Send your apologies and some flowers.

Go to the funeral.

You should go to the funeral. Not for your ex, not for your FIL and not for his wife but because it's your children's grandparent and it's important. More important than missing out on a long lie and a bit of lunch.

I’d stick to the original plan. You don’t have to physically attend a funeral to pay your respects or for the person to have meant something to you.
Send your apologies to his wife and a card.

The key question is whether your kids need you there. Mine would and they are adults.

If I was your friend I would be entirely understanding, funeral trumps night away.

What about your children? How are they getting to their grandfather's funeral? And would they need you there to support them?

In your position, I would go to the funeral, but I also think it would be reasonable not to go, assuming that it would be okay with your children.

Unless the children are especially upset and are actually planning to go this is irrelevant

There is no way I’d miss the funeral in the circumstances you describe.

I recall everyone who attended my mother’s funeral 5 years ago. Some attended I wasn’t expecting and I was very grateful. A few didn’t come who I had thought to see there. I don’t hold it against them, but I did notice their absence.

My beloved young adult daughter died 11 months ago. Nearly 300 people attended her funeral. Some I didn’t know. I have a list of (I think) every one and each attendance meant the worldto me. I wrote to everyone I had details for to thank them for coming.

There is a move away from funerals being central to death. That is fine for those who don’t find them helpful. But for those who do it’s likely that the individual attendance is one of the most important things.

Additionally, you have a good relationship with your ex. You want to continue to foster that. And I presume your children would like to have you there.

Your friend is quite capable (I assume) of making her own plans for the morning of the funeral.

Yes. And it means so much to the bereaved. Ive buried a partner and a parent. It matters who shows up.

And that’s what you got from the post? 🙄

You’re right I don’t want to go to the wake only. I would want to go for the service as that’s the celebration of life and focused on fil and not bother with the wake, which I think is more than reasonable.

Do you think it’s reasonable to cut short someone else’s day? That’s the point that you spectacularly missed!