To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

My ex came to my step mother’s funeral. I really appreciated that.
I went to his mum’s funeral. I know he appreciated that. It was a lot more complicated than the OP’s journey will be.

I would go to the funeral under those circumstances. I’d collect my friend so we can drive there together and the she can get the train home if that works. Or I’d get the train if driving is easier for her. Your friend can have a morning to herself before going home. There will be other weekends, but this man sounds like he has been a big enough person in your life to have been with him 3 times in the week before he died.

But he was still her children’s grandfather. The OP cared enough to visit him before he died, so it seems bizarre that she now can’t make a slight change to her plans to go to the funeral to support her children, and to show respect to the family.

People are so judgemental. You visited and said your goodbyes, he is your ex father in law. You dont need to be at a funeral to love someone or to say goodbye. You have explained you are away - leave it at that.

I didn’t get to attend my grandfathers funeral due to estrangement. As this sounds like he was a decent grandfather even though you were an exDIL i would attend the service.

go for your night out still and get up first thing and get a train back for the service. Then go straight home afterwards. Maybe go out with your friend on the Sunday for Sunday lunch instead.

No one has said exes shouldn’t go.

But in this situation OP is already planned to be away and she knows her kids and ex better than MNers.

This @InteriorSummit your friend can have a lie-in and not rush.

Only read OP's posts.
I would go to the show with the compromises you need to make and then go to the funeral.
Given the circumstances, I'd like to think your friend will be pleased that you haven't called off the whole trip.

Him being an ex is a red herring. Many, many people have very close relationships with their ex's families. It's lovely when it doesn't just stop when a relationship or marriage breaks down.

Did you read that I said “the comments you replied to.” Those are the comments I meant. Click on quote history and you can read them.

Drive up together, friend gets train home?

Haven’t organised many funerals but they were arranged so that people who should be there could easily be there meaning this isn’t critical to the family

Why can’t you just get the train back separately from your friend?

If your children are still young enough that you’re debating one of them going to school instead of the funeral then I think you should be at the funeral.

The children’s father may be upset in a way they’ve never seen before so their other parent should be there imo.

Your friend wouldn’t be much of a friend if she didn’t understand the need for you to leave early for this imo.

You don't say how old your children are? And how they feel about going to a funeral. I can't remember who was at my mother, or my father's funerals apart from my sibs. I didn't go to my mother in law's funeral so my late husband could go and not have to worry about our dogs. He stayed home with the dogs so I could go to my mother's funeral. The only people at my husbands funeral were my siblings.
Do what you feel.
people on here would say "oh I would HAVE to go" and they are not wrong for them....but you are an adult and get to make your own decisions.
If it was me I'd send loving apologies and flowers or whatever is appropriate.

This too.

Your friend will have to understand that you need to get up early the next morning for a funeral. She’d be a pretty bad friend if she didn’t! These things can’t be helped.

Of course you don’t have to but too would go to both the show and the funeral. It wouldn’t occur to me not to pay my respects.

I’d go to the venue earlier than planned the day before the funeral and have lunch with your friend then, and leave at 8am for the funeral. Your friend gets the same amount of time with you and she can have a leisurely morning after you’ve gone.

You clearly are close enough to the ex MIL to spend significant time with her in the last few days of her husbands life. That’s not a casual relationship. I’d be very hurt in her shoes if you didn’t go to the funeral and it would impact the future relationship. It’s also likely if you don’t go, it will be noticed and the comment will be you couldn’t come to the funeral because you were having lunch with a friend and wouldn’t cancel it. And that sounds terrible. Literally no one will think the fact you were in a city 2 hours away for an event the previous night means “you were away” in any meaningful sense. If you’d been on the Costa del Sol for a long weekend maybe but not a short car or train journey away. It’s not like being up and out by 8am is even particularly onerous - most of us do that 5 times a week, 48 weeks a year…

OP, I really think you should go to pay your respects and be there for your DC. It’s the last thing you’ll ever do for your ex-FIL, and I’m sure your presence would be much appreciated not only by your ex, but also by his family. When my DH’s brother died, his ex came to the funeral, and we all thought it was right and a very nice thing for her to have done.

It was hugely meaningful to me and my Dad that so many people made the effort to come to my mum's funeral, including lots of his relatives who may not have known my mum so well. In your circumstances, I'd go to the show with your friend and then leave early the next morning. Seems pretty straightforward to me (but it does sound like you don't really want to change any of the original plan that you made with your friend).

YANBU! You should go to the show and miss the funeral. You’ve already said your goodbyes due to him knowing he had a terminal illness. You seeing him just before he died means more than attending the funeral.

As you asked "What would I do". I would have no wine and leave on time the next day for the funeral and I wouldn't say to someone whos planning a funeral that "I would try and make it"

You need to be there for your children, to allow your ex the space to grieve.

The DC may not be upset now, but at the actual funeral emotions will be heightened, and I don’t think it’s fair on your ex to have to try and comfort his children, while saying goodbye to his father.

But from reading your updates, you don’t actually want to go, and are looking for justification not to attend. If you were my mum, I’d struggle to forgive you for not being there to support me.

Sorry for your loss OP what does your friend say?