To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

I'm surprised you have to ask. Enjoy the show, just have a couple of drinks then off you go to the funeral.

But you say that the train would only take an hour and a half. So you take the train, your friend leaves later in her car.

You need to go to the funeral.
Everyone only gets one funeral.

I think the family would appear to be understanding but privately would be hurt that you hadn't bothered to turn up. They would remember. Paying your respects and supporting your family when they may well need you trumps a day with your friend.

I can understand people woudk think thso but they weren’t close. I’ve got to point that out as I think it does matter in a context.

Op can you just answer how things have been left with your ex? Is he just a little miffed? Or is this full scale drama? Or still totally amiable?

I think it does too.

if you ex isn’t bothered and your kids aren’t bothered, maybe there isn’t any real reason you should be super bothered. Maybe they are just not that kind of family.

Yes this is exactly my thoughts. One of my Dc is 18 and the other is younger and has ASD so likely won’t attend. It’s nice I was on good terms but he’s not my close and direct family so whilst I would have liked to go, I don’t feel like I ‘should’ attend or it would be ‘unbelievable’ if I didn’t. The fact many people wouldn’t consider go in to their ex fils funeral. If my DC seemed really affected and emotional then that would be different but they aren’t really like that in general.

Your friend should understand that you wish to go. My university friends unexpectedly turned up to my husband's funeral (two from abroad) and it meant the absolute world to me on the day. I didn't expect them to come but the fact that they did just showed me so much kindness and love that I will never be able to repay that. This man means a lot to you and your children - go and show your respect. That's worth more than a less drunk night out. If your friend doesn't understand that then I would probably be deciding whether that is someone I would want in my life.

So you can't be bothered to go and are just hoping people on here will tell you not to go. Shocking, you can do lunch anytime.

If it were me I would travel with my friend in the car have the night out and get an early train back the following morning if it gets me back in time. If not I would drive separately . While not ideal a friend will understand if it’s for a funeral.

not going because you have a night out planned , regardless of whether you lose money or not is not really a good luck and one I’m not sure other family members will fully understand.

it might also be a tough one to explain to your kids if they were to ask. While they may not have been super close to your ex FIL it is still a funeral which they might find upsetting and want you there. Even if your ex isn’t super close to his dad he will still have responsibilities I.e talking to other relatives and friends which mean he can’t be solely focussed on the kids.

ultimately your decision and your conscious you will have to make peace with.

So no?

It’s really really not shocking, what an over reaction.

No-one needs to go to a funeral, it's a free choice.
I couldn't remember who was at my DH's funeral the very next day, & it did not bother me who came or not.

but they aren't actually there? Likewise loads of people now are going the simple route and not having a funeral at all?

You can do both - cutting the time with your friend short by a few hours is not a big deal. It's a funeral, a big life event. There is never a good time for a funeral but it doesn't sound like it's so difficult for you to go. I'm sure she would be shocked if you stayed on to see her instead of attending.

Funerals are for the living. They offer a sense of closure and formality. If you said your goodbyes and you're content with that, I wouldn't force myself to attend.

I don’t really understand why this is such an issue, it’s only lunch. I’d check out and leave early, your friend can stay on without you if she wants. As the friend in this situation I’d totally understand. Maybe you could drive up together but then she gets the train back so at least you do one of the journeys together.

Your OP says "Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too."

Forget about your mate losing money. Only a cold hearted bastard would give someone going to a funeral a hard time about that. You'd take someone else, or accept that these things happen.

It sounds like if it wasn't for the financial side of things you'd absolutely go.
So, I'm afraid putting these financial concerns ahead of attending a funeral of someone you cared about and whose family you still care about, make you look shallow.

There are many reasons to not attend a funeral - "cos my mate will lose some money" isn't a good one.

I don't get why all these comments are guilting you into saying you have to go. You are no longer married to his son. I would send my respects and apologies and enjoy the show and a leisurely catch up with your friend. People on this site endlessly whine and moan about the mental load and the unfair burden placed on women to put everyone else's comfort and convenience above their own, and then turn right round and shame each other for not doing exactly that.

You need to be there to support your children. It sounds as though they are young.

Who are they staying with the night before?

Have you misunderstood something? It’s my Ex’s step mum. How ‘caring’ should one be in that situation? Of course she’s not a priority in my life and neither am I in hers and I suspect that’s the same up and down the land! I would say most people don’t have anything to do with ex in-laws.

I visited him 3 times when he was dying. I would go so far as saying that was more meaningful than attending a funeral, where lets be honest it’s for those left behind.

Surprised so many think you should go.

My parents separated when I was a teen, and neither of them attended funerals for their ex in-laws. I’ve also not been to any funerals on my ex’s side (but have joined online services). Condolences by card/phone were
given in some cases.

Maybe my family are unusual.

No I wouldn't go unless it is important to you, if they really wanted/needed you there then they should have arranged it when you were available.

And looks like like from the voting most people share my view rather than yours so I’ll take that.