To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

If OP was a man there is no way he’d be expected to attend an ex mother in law’s funeral when he already has plans.

OP, go with your friend, it’s not fair for her to lose out.

Why wouldn't children be upset that their Grandfather had died?

The OP took them to visit him 3 times in his final week, thst would indicate a close relationship.

Entirely nonsense.

And he’d be expected to go for the same reason, their other parent has lost their father and won’t necessarily be in a position to support the children, who are likely to need support.

I mean… really?

Thank you. Kids will go with their dad though still debating whether the youngest will go or stay at school.

My ex was a bit miffed when I said I bet it ends up when I’m away and lo and behold it is. I think he thought I’d cancel but I explained I’m not going to lose that money and for my friend to. I think he was hoping I’d go as I’m the chatty one and takes the heat of him so for easiness for him really.

Given that the OP mentioned she's visited 3 times with the children recently, I'd infer that the kids were pretty close to the grandparent and therefore I'd presume justifiably upset.

Given that the OP has been with her new partner for 10+ years, I'd again infer the kids are at least 10+ years of age and therefore likely to attend a funeral.

So, I wouldn't consider it irrelevant at all. Supporting your children at a funeral of their close relative is pretty basic, in my opinion. And whilst she doesn't have to go to be supportive of the ex and his family, it would be kind of her to go so that she can be the 'on-point parent' for the kids during the funeral, to allow their dad to grieve his own father for the duration of the service.

Well, OP has clarified her ex wants her there to talk to guests.

So she’d be supporting her ex, not her kids.

If OP isn’t there, he can take care of his kids and chat less to guests.

But all still amicable or now stoney silence?

Yep, really.

I'd get up early and go to the funeral (even if it meant limiting my alcohol consumption the night before). If you loved your FiL, it's important to go if you possibly can.

Can you just leave early the following morning and friend leaves whenever she wants to? (I'd love to be left by myself in a hotel room the following day to get ready at my leisure!)

I think if you don't go to the funeral you will always feel bad about it. Get up early, check out and go. Funerals are important for those people left behind.

oh.

no point going there… you generally always plough in to a thread with something along the lines of “if this was a man….” .

Why would it mean your friend misses out?

That could be an option though it means taking 2 cars and not traveling together which is ok but it still cuts short the trip for her as we’d planned to go for lunch etc.. but yes it a possibly

Sorry I’m not sure what you mean?

She appears to be fairly amicable with her ex, liked her FIL and the kids were close to him.

Why wouldn't you help out your children’s father when he’s in mourning?

I’ve done more than that to help people I have far less connection to at their parent’s funerals.

A little kindness goes a long way.

From the title, I was ready to say you have no need to go, whilst you have no need given what you describe, I'd absolutely get up early. If I were away in similar circumstances, I'd more than empathise with a friend who needed to leave early.

Who cares what your ex or your friend wants, the only important thing here is supporting your children at their grandfathers funeral.

Why is kindness to her ex, a man, more important than kindness her friend, a woman?

I would do this, travel separately, have a couple of glasses of wine and suck up getting up early for the one day. It is frustrating, will be tiring, but its a one off and you can still do most of what you had planned as well as be at the funeral to support your kids and say goodbye to your ex-FIL. You obviously knew him for a long time, and were still friendly at the end.

Most importantly, your kids have lost a grandparent so I'm sure would appreciate you being there, over having a relaxed morning and lunch with a friend.

Sorry but I think it’s shocking that you are even considering missing the funeral when it would be so easy for you to change your plans slightly.

Because the man in this equation has just lost his father, someone we can assume the OP was close to for many years, based on the things she has directly told us.

It's really not a feminist issue, as much as you're trying to wrangle it in to that box.

Because your father's funeral is slightly bigger than the morning after going to see a show?

Or maybe he is grieving his dad and the support would be appreciated.