To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

If I were your friend I would understand that you need to leave earlier than hoped the next morning. Enjoy the evening, but be there for your children at their grandfather's funeral.
Death is a big thing for children to get their heads round and losing someone they knew well has an enormous impact ... I am sure they would appreciate you being there even though they might not say.

OP knows her ex and kids better than we do.

She says the kids weren’t that close to him.

She knows her ex wants her there to do the chit chats.

The kids will be fine with their dad and his family.

I would be honest and tell them you are away and you won't be back in time

How are you even asking this question? He was your dc’s grandfather.
Im assuming they’re teenagers. Maybe they’ve cried in private but why does that even matter?

Youre only going two hours away not abroad.

You don’t seem bothered about him or his wife tbh

In which case the OP should be quite happy with her decision and not need this thread at all.

It was my Dad’s funeral earlier this year. Not everyone could make it, including some close friends or family. A reasonable person totally understands and so I wouldn’t put pressure or stress on yourself. It can’t be helped. It was more important seeing him before he died, which you did. Send a card with a nice message and saying how sorry you are you can’t go but you’ll be thinking of everyone.

You don't have to cut short your friend's day. Just get a train back, she can have a lie-in and leave when she's ready. Obviously it wasnt the plan but surely a good friend would understand this is a one off situation and wouldn't hold it against you. Imgo to the funeral, this is/was your family.

YANBU not to go.

I've lost both my parents, and, whilst appreciating all the people who came to each of their funerals, we also completely understood that not everyone would be able to make whatever day / time we booked. We appreciated that people already had things in their diaries and neither we, nor our parents would have wanted them to try and cancel things. Totally knew it was not any reflection of the relationship or way they felt about the person who had died.
I presume your dc will be there with their Dad, and supported by him and his wider family if they needed support.

I was widowed two years ago, and I would have said ‘No, don’t come, please though, meet me for coffee or lunch soon’ . It was obvious that you cared about him, now is the time to support his wife.

I think you should make the effort to go to the funeral of a close family member.

He won't know you weren't there.

You'd either be going to please other people, or to make yourself feel less guilty about missing it.

Unless you are highly religious and want to be actively part of a church service, I don't think you should let down a friend who is very much alive for the sake of an appearance at the funeral.

It's how we behave towards the living that counts, not an hour at their funeral.
You were kind, visited him 3 times in the week before he died and I think you showed then how much you cared.

Get up early and go. Any decent friend would understand. Do you want people on here to tell you not to go?!

He is her EX father in law and she's been divorced for years.

Did you read the comments you replied to?
It is comparing the ex and the friend.

In your position i wouldn't go. You did the important bit which was making the effort to visit him before he passed. Just imo funerals are for those remaining behind. Just one of the reasons we have both chosen unattended cremations.

You have already made your excuses. You saw him lots at the end. It's fine to dip out. If it was your current partner not your ex you would obviously need it t be there but it's not.

Look at it this way @InteriorSummit

What would HE have wanted you to do?

I assume he would have said enjoy your trip, and think of him now and then.

Funerals are a rite of passage for the living, more than the deceased.

I'm sure you said your 'goodbye' to him when you saw him the week before he died.

Of course it's bloody reasonable to 'cut short someone's day' for a funeral of your children's grandfather!
Shit happens and your friend will need to accommodate it. The vast majority of people would fully appreciate the reasons

Why should OP be denied a thread? Lots of people have supported OP’s decision, she is entitled to their views as well.

Which comments? There are loads .

Whatever they are, I think she made her peace with him when he was alive and going to a funeral is more about putting in an appearance for other people.

Her ex can go- it's his dad- and take their children.

Just read all posts. Who cares if you can't go for lunch with your friend.. it's obvious you sadly can't be bothered to be there and are looking for justification from strangers.

I hate funerals, and I wouldn't be attending my own if I didn't have to (I may yet not have one, but arrange in my will for a party for my nearest and dearest to enjoy with food, drink, music and dance, if they want to attend it and with no obligation if they don't). I completely understand the OP's point of view and I agree with a pp who mentioned that the fact that the OP visited her dying father-in-law quite frequently in recent weeks did more for him than attending his funeral would do. The only aspect of this I would take into account is whether the OP's children will need her support, and whether their father will be able to look after them properly whilst coping with his own grief.
My condolences on your loss, @InteriorSummit.

It was my father's funeral last year. I guarantee my xh (dc's dad) would never have thought of going. It wouldn't have crossed his mind in a million years.

However, in your case, it depends if not going would negatively affect your relationships with your ex's family.

You are perfectly able to go with only the most minimal of arrangement changing. You do realise that this is the nature of funerals - they don’t come with a long lead time and prior invitation. Other people will be doing a lot more than getting up an hour earlier than planned.
your mate still gets the show that you planned and booked and you still travel there together. Anyone with the tiniest modicum of empathy would deal with your 8am departure without turning a hair. You go out of duty to your kids, not your ex. You would be highly unreasonable to prioritise a piss-up over that.

My Dad wanted no one at his funeral.
We told close friends not to come.
There was me, my Mum , my H and our children.

Those were his wishes.