To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

Besides which I'd see it as a kindness/duty to DC and the wider family, not particularly to ex, and OP has said she was fond of the man and visiting until recently. I'd just want to go.

But he’s her ex! He can manage his own guests. He wants OP there to speak to guests. The good thing about divorce is that you no longer have to do the wife work for your ex husband!

There is no way a man would be expected to entertain his ex wife’s guests / mourners.

But OP has made a commitment to a friend and she wants to honour that.

I have no idea who you are.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter that’s completely tragic. I understand what you’re saying about it being meaningful to you that people turned up.

Your ex husband is taking your children so they will be there.

I don't think you really need to go yourself. You visited him before he passed and it's nice that you remain on good terms with everyone on your ex's side of the family. They are however the family of your exhusband not your direct family. It's important your ex is there with the children (if age appropriate) but I don't think your attenance is vital. You are not direct family any more so I don't see why so many people think your need to cancel your plans to be there.

I'd still go away as planned. I'd send my apologies for not being able to attend due to being away and that you hope all goes well.

People don't usually spend time with their exhusband's family do they? Quite a large proportion don't get on with their ex and that person's family at all, let alone cancelling a planned trip away to be with them.

Hopefully because I haven’t got a name for myself for always going with the “if this was a man….”

You can just say you are not able to attend the funeral but I wonder why you are asking this question - are you afraid of other people criticising you or do you worry you'll feel guilty even if no on says a word about it? I don't think anyone has to attend a funeral for any reason. In your circumstances, I would attend - you liked him, he is your children's grandfather, you get on with his wife and all you have to do is get up a bit earlier. Your friend is a grown up, she will understand.

Because in this circumstance the sex of the individuals is entirely irrelevant, how much the OP likes the either person is entirely irrelevant.

One event is a lovely night out, special no doubt but it can be repeated another time. What happens or doesn’t happen will be forgotten in a few months.

One event is a one off, emotionally important, significant life event for her ex-H and their joint children. They will never forget that their Mother wasn’t at their Grandfather’s funeral.

Plus, attending is the right thing to do.

You say he’s miffed but beyond that - how’s all this been left?

No one holds days open just in case there's a funeral, they almost always mean plans have to change. Friends understand that, and OP can stick with the main crux of the arrangement anyway.

So instead you want to make a name for yourself by following me around on threads?

Focus on OP, no need to derail the thread by making personal attacks on me.

Focus on the thread

Says the poster who’s first post was to make it about men/women!

Your DC are going to the funeral with their Dad and you visited your ex fil when it mattered when he was living and it meant something to him. TBH I think whatever you decide to do is fine

Give it a rest. I won’t be responding to you anymore, you are massively derailing.

But it isn't her father's funeral.

It's not even her father in law's funeral.

It's her EX husband's father. That's quite a bit different from the funeral of a parent.

I’ve only read a few replies so far but the kids are fine. They weren’t that close if I’m being honest. There has been no tears or anything but they say it’s sad. I think becase it’s been going in for two years (cancer) and he’s been in and out of hospital so much that they’ve not seen him that much. I suspect had it been more sudden it would perhaps been different.

What age are your dc? If it’s their grandparent and they would like you there I’d go for that reason alone

Roger that!!

I think that having visited your former FIL 3 times just before he died is very meaningful and will have been aporeciated by him and his wife.

In your position therefore, I would not rush back just for the wake. I would check with his wife if you can view an obitus recording later, if one is made, to see & hear the eulogies.

I don’t think getting up at 8 am so you can get to a funeral is unreasonable. If it was 4 am that would be different.
Funerals are for the living - if you want to preserve a good relationship with his wife and family members it’s likely worth going.

I don’t prioritise funerals or weddings as I feel that attendance at any of them is entirely optional. That’s not a popular opinion here in Ireland but it’s my choice to make.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t bother tying myself and my friend in knots just to be seen at the funeral.

You spent time with your ex-FIL when he was alive, which to me is far more important.

The only thing I would say to this is that funerals themselves tend to engender strong emotions. If their Father or Step-Grandmother is crying/visibly upset they may find that very distressing.

In the end it is up to you OP. For decisions like this I find flipping a coin helpful. If it comes up on the “wrong” side you know what to do.

And apologies, I should have started my first post with condolences. 💐

This! What difference does it make if you have to travel separately? You said you live in opposite directions anyway so wouldn't it be easier?

I get the missing out on lunch, but in the scale of things, that's surely not a bigger deal than missing the funeral? Can you arrange to meet up earlier on the day of the show to spend more time together?

Can you not just be honest and say you don’t fancy getting up at 8am post night out? At least be truthful on an anonymous thread! You don’t need to say that in RL!

If your kids don’t need you there, don’t go.