To be hurt that my sister won't spend Christmas Day with me and my son?

[MauveHare]

I'm a single mum to a young boy who is autistic and non-verbal. My sister is my closest and only family member, and she has a daughter herself.
I've asked whether my son and I could spend some time with them on Christmas Day, but she's refused and said she'll see us on Boxing Day instead.

For context, my sister's partner absolutely hates me. Last year, I contacted social services after he was physically violent towards her, including strangling her. Ever since, he's held this against me and doesn't want me in their home.

My sister is still with him. She says she's spoken to him extensively about us spending Christmas together, but he refuses. Her response is that he lives there too, so it's his decision as well.
I appreciate that it's his home too and that my sister has offered Boxing Day. I also understand that she may be in a difficult position.

However, I'm incredibly hurt. My son and I don't have a large family network, and the thought of spending Christmas Day just the two of us while my sister, niece and her partner celebrate together makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded.

I'm not asking to spend the entire day there. Even a couple of hours together would mean a lot to me.

What hurts particularly is that I feel I'm being punished for raising concerns about my sister's safety. I would never dream of leaving her and my niece without family on Christmas Day if the situation were reversed. I've told her how hurt I am, but nothing has changed.

I genuinely want some objective opinions because I know emotions are involved.

AIBU to expect my sister to make more of an effort to include us, or am I being unfair given that it's also her partner's home and she's offered Boxing Day?

I'm curious why you'd want to spend Christmas Day with an abusive man, and bringing your son as well. I'd be avoiding him like the plague.

Of course you're being unreasonable! You can't insist that anyone spends Christmas day with you regardless of the circumstances.

If you don’t want to spend the day alone go out for lunch, or invite some friends round. How old is your son? Young enough to be told that Christmas Day is actually Boxing Day?

You and your son don't need to spend time with an abusive violent man, see your Sister on boxing day on her own with your neice if you can,

Why would you want to in that toxic environment, and worse still, bring your son into that atmosphere .The partner is physically abusive. Who’s to say he won’t kick off on Christmas Day?

I voted that you are unreasonable to even consider asking. Can’t you offer to have your sister at yours on Boxing Day?

I don't understand why you would want to spend any time in the company of this man at all? Boxing Day sounds a very sensible compromise and hopefully you can see her and your niece away from him.

I can absolutely understand why you’d want to spend Christmas with your sister and niece but I cannot understand why you’d would want you or your child to spend any part of Christmas Day with a violent man who hates you. I’d take this as a win as I suspect he’d only ruin the day if you did go there. Plan a lovely Xmas day presents, nice food a walk, film, whatever makes it special for your son.

Can you plan some trips / visits with friends in the run up to Chrisas maybe even a pre Christmas light walk or ice skating with just your sister and niece Christmas doesn’t just have to be about the day itself.

You're being very unreasonable. Sorry OP but you can't call social services on someone and then expect them to have you in their house for a family christmas, that's delusional! I'd be grateful you're even invited on boxing day.

You need to consider that it is probably not about “effort” it’s probably about safety. She’s doing her best to keep herself and her child from harm.

It certainly doesn’t sound like you’ll be missing some happy family occasion.

Can you spend some time with friends on Christmas Day instead? Meet them for a walk for example.

You can't force people to be with you

Spend time with others on Xmas day depending on age and interests- park run, local pub, church service, take a ball/remote control car to the park… you’ll meet others to spread cheer with and then head home to a non-abusive household!

Yeah that's the thing, I don't want to spend time with him obviously, I'm more just hurt that my sister won't offer.

She will be coming to mine with my niece on boxing day.

I guess I just feel hurt that she doesn't show much empathy around the situation and it's a hard no.

My son is 5. He's severely autistic and non-verbal which does make Christmas harder as he doesn't understand it at all.

Invite them round to yours for a couple of hours. Then you get to see her without the ars.*.

This! You've made it all about your feelings OP and nothing to do with the fact your sister's in a relationship with a violent abuser - of course she's not going to rock the boat.

Yeah she won't come :(

I can't see why you'd want to be in their home. You'd be unhappy and uncomfortable.

But I understand why you don't want to be at home all day. Get out for a walk, go to the pub for a quick drink, go to a church service, ask a friend if you could drop in very briefly to wish them a happy day. Honestly, you've got better options than trying to put a smile on your face with your sister's partner.

Does she have choice? I assume he calls the shots in the family. I can also understand why he wouldn’t want to celebrate Christmas with someone who had reported him (no matter how justified)

Obvs you have things going on and life isn’t easy with your son’s needs, but your sister is in an abusive relationship that she doesn’t feel able to leave. Her judgement is not good at the moment, she’s not ‘not prioritising’ you, she’s not prioritising herself or her own child either. She needs your continued support even If it doesn’t seem fair. One day she’ll come through it and be a better sister.

I wouldn’t want to be in their home with him there with your vulnerable child if he really did those things.

Sadly you can’t make her leave him despite what he has done. Does she disagree it happened?

It sounds harsh but it is also not her responsibility to care for you- it sounds like she’s got a lot on her plate as it is.

I’d focus on a quiet day at home with your DS on Christmas Day and then celebrate Christmas properly with your sister and niece Boxing Day. Your son won’t know which day is which ❤️

You’re hurt by something that is probably entirely out of her hands, since she lives with a physically abusive and dangerous man who doesn’t like you.

I get that you want to see her at Christmas, but if I was your sister I’d be hurt that you’re making her dangerous situation about you tbh.

You can't honestly think that you were ever going to be able to spend any part of Christmas Day in the house of a man who hates you, doesn't want you in his house and who you reported to social services.

You did the right thing but there's no going back. You're not setting foot in that house again. If you force things you risk putting her in even more danger. Keep the door open for her to come to your house anytime she wants.

If he has strangled her in the past then her life is at risk. You being upset about Christmas day is the least of her problems.

Thank you for your honesty to everyone who has replied. She has told me he's strangled her twice and she doesn't tell me everything. I've also overheard him being abusive to her on the phone, saying that he's going to "smash her teeth in". So I'm well aware he's abusive but most of the time she says they are better now and everything is fine.

Your sister is sadly in the grips of a DV relationship. She will do whatever it takes to keep her abuser happy, she has no real identity and is completely trapped and lost right now. It’s nothing personal, I imagine he’s restricted her from spending time with most people she cares about. You’re a threat to him because you tried to stand up to him.

Your upset is directed at the wrong person. Your sister doesn't have a meaningful choice here - she is in an abusive and controlling relationship. It's an absolutely classic abuser tactic to separate the abused partner from their support network - don't give him the satisfaction of damaging your relationship with your sister any further.

Be mad at her for not being able to leave, but most of all be mad at him, he's a bad man.

YAB very U

I appreciate you feel isolated and excluded. Your home life is probably hard work and quite lonely, but that's not your sisters fault. She is in a horrible position stuck between the two of you.

She's made the effort of asking her vile DH if you can come, probably risking and argument and her own safety in the process.
She's made the effort of offering to host and do it all again for you on Boxing day, which is exhausting especially with the shitty dynamics.
She's trying hard to keep everyone happy and you're on MN starting a thread that she isn't making an effort.

I really really feel for your sister and I hope she escapes this horrible man.