To be hurt that my sister won't spend Christmas Day with me and my son?

[MauveHare]

I'm a single mum to a young boy who is autistic and non-verbal. My sister is my closest and only family member, and she has a daughter herself.
I've asked whether my son and I could spend some time with them on Christmas Day, but she's refused and said she'll see us on Boxing Day instead.

For context, my sister's partner absolutely hates me. Last year, I contacted social services after he was physically violent towards her, including strangling her. Ever since, he's held this against me and doesn't want me in their home.

My sister is still with him. She says she's spoken to him extensively about us spending Christmas together, but he refuses. Her response is that he lives there too, so it's his decision as well.
I appreciate that it's his home too and that my sister has offered Boxing Day. I also understand that she may be in a difficult position.

However, I'm incredibly hurt. My son and I don't have a large family network, and the thought of spending Christmas Day just the two of us while my sister, niece and her partner celebrate together makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded.

I'm not asking to spend the entire day there. Even a couple of hours together would mean a lot to me.

What hurts particularly is that I feel I'm being punished for raising concerns about my sister's safety. I would never dream of leaving her and my niece without family on Christmas Day if the situation were reversed. I've told her how hurt I am, but nothing has changed.

I genuinely want some objective opinions because I know emotions are involved.

AIBU to expect my sister to make more of an effort to include us, or am I being unfair given that it's also her partner's home and she's offered Boxing Day?

My son and I don't have a large family network, and the thought of spending Christmas Day just the two of us while my sister, niece and her partner celebrate together makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded.

I can tell you for certain that you're going to have a better Christmas Day than she is. You seem to be imagining that they're going to have a Christmas card fairytale family day with lots of love, laughter, good food and lots of presents. Come on.

She'll be lucky if she doesn't get beaten. That's not my idea of celebrating together. Thank your lucky stars that you're not her and that you'll be safe this Christmas.

Whilst I fully understand you feeling sad and disappointed , surely you must understand that your sister is in an incredibly difficult position with an abusive man!

Hey, I'm sorry you feel sad to be in this situation on Christmas day but from what you have said about your sisters partner and the fact you called SS on them you must be very worried for not only your sisters safety but also your nieces too. Why would you want to spend time with him in their house and usually abusive people tend to act up on family occasions such as Christmas, birthdays etc it's a fact. If I were you I'd spend boxing day with just you, sister, son and niece and have a lovely day together either at your house or do something special and don't involve him.

I have experienced the same with my sister with her abusive partner for over 20 years, he even went to prison, I called SS and you know what every time she still took him back. We no longer have any contact at all as I had to cut all ties for my own mental health. Be there for your sister but draw the line at spending any time with him. I will always help my sister and nieces if they are in trouble and have done, whilst going no contact but it gets to a point in your life where you need to put yourself and your children first if they continue to stay with an abusive partner. You only know what she has told you and I'm sure she's more than likely being emotionally controlled by him too, that's why he doesn't want you to spend time with her, that's what abusive partners do, they alienate partners from their family.

YABU

No one owes you their time just because it’s Xmas.

My sister isn’t in an abusive relationship but she still doesn’t want me going over as well she wants it just her and her little family.

Its not her fault you’re a single parent and you shouldn’t make her feel guilty for putting her family first.

I can completely see why you’d be upset though.

I’d try and go away for a couple of days and make that your tradition instead.

Couple of days where?

Very expensive to go away at Xmas too.

You say nobody owes you their time because it's Xmas, same as nobody needs to go away over Xmas
It's just another day. It will soon come and go

Why would you even want to spend time with a man you think is violent and abusive?

I voted you are not unreasonable,because Im in the same situation as you and I'd be hurt and feeling sad for my son in this situation too. My sister and her kids are my only family and vice versa.

However I wouldn't want my son around that situation with an abusive man around him. I left his father for the same reason.

So, make other traditions for you and your son, plan Christmas day around him. Get a tradition going for you guys to look forward to every year.

All the best ❤️

Coming to yours without him on any day sounds like a much better plan than you going there.

Sounds like your sister confided in you. You reported it. She chose to stay with her partner. The whole episode has caused upset in your family. Now you are annoyed he doesn't want anything to do with you.
Your sister is now in an awkward position but I understand why she cant go against her partner. So now youre on your own. Its not right if he did hurt her but she has chosen to stay in that relationship. What did you hope would happen after you reported it?

First, your five-year-old will consider whatever plans you make for Christmas to be how Christmas goes. You can certainly have Christmas decorations, presents, dinner and so on for just the two of you. Maybe watch some Christmas cartoons too, or invite safe other people to join the two of you.

Tbh my feeling is you were on track and brave to turn the abuser in. But now you seem to have gone off-track, in my opinion. You may want to do some reading of domestic violence online, to better understand a few things.

For one thing, I was surprised that you seem to expect everything to go back to "normal" with the abuser after turning in for DV ("normal" is in quotes because there is nothing normal about this couple's relationship). You have reported an abuser for something that could ruin his reputation, get him put in jail, fired from his job, left by his wife and more. He deserved it and you did the right thing. But things can never go back to "normal" with him now.

Your sister is still caught up in the domestic abuse cycle. It's up to her to get out. It's up to you to not let her drag you- or your son- down with her.

From what you've said, I don't think it's safe for you or your son to be around this abuser. Especially since you are now a "threat" to him, he might just as likely beat you or your son (or worse), just as he does his wife. Please stay far away from him at all times.

Eh? Surely you will never spend Christmas again with them ???

id never speak to you ever if you called SS on me

if you allow your child in his presence id call SS on you for putting your child knowingly in harms way

I totally understand why you are sad at not being able to spend time with your sister, but would it really have been a good Christmas considering the circumstances?

I'd be looking around for other ideas where you and your son can have an enjoyable time, and focus on that instead. Lots of communities have a Christmas lunch for those who would otherwise be alone, often run by churches or other local groups. Could you look into that? Or could you invite others you know who may be on their own to spend the day with you?

We put so much pressure on ourselves to have a jolly old time on Christmas Day, surrounded by the perfect family. In reality, life is not often like that and we end up feeling let down and disappointed. I hope you and your son can find an alternative way to spend the day, and you may find it is way better than going to your sister's would have been - certainly less stressful. I also hope your sister is ok and safe.

@MauveHare if she hasn’t left him despite his behaviour she is obviously blind to his faults or terrified. Of course she won’t go against him - why are surprised? If she got rid of him, I bet she’d invite you.

This.
You've done your best to help your sister and she's still there (for reasons unknown)
Spend the day with your son or with friends x

Yanbu to feel that you want to spend the day (or part of) with your sister and niece. Shame she isn't prepared to leave her violent partner though....

Why on earth would you want to spend Christmas with a domestic abuser?
She should be leaving the piece of shit and you should be appalled at the very idea of spending Christmas (with your child!!!!) with a man who would strangle his partner. God help your sister. I hope she finds the strength to leave.

Are you for real? Did you miss the part where he strangled her? Christ the bar for men is low on Mumsnet sometimes.

It sounds just what your sister needs is more pressure! That poor woman!