To be hurt that my sister won't spend Christmas Day with me and my son?

[MauveHare]

I'm a single mum to a young boy who is autistic and non-verbal. My sister is my closest and only family member, and she has a daughter herself.
I've asked whether my son and I could spend some time with them on Christmas Day, but she's refused and said she'll see us on Boxing Day instead.

For context, my sister's partner absolutely hates me. Last year, I contacted social services after he was physically violent towards her, including strangling her. Ever since, he's held this against me and doesn't want me in their home.

My sister is still with him. She says she's spoken to him extensively about us spending Christmas together, but he refuses. Her response is that he lives there too, so it's his decision as well.
I appreciate that it's his home too and that my sister has offered Boxing Day. I also understand that she may be in a difficult position.

However, I'm incredibly hurt. My son and I don't have a large family network, and the thought of spending Christmas Day just the two of us while my sister, niece and her partner celebrate together makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded.

I'm not asking to spend the entire day there. Even a couple of hours together would mean a lot to me.

What hurts particularly is that I feel I'm being punished for raising concerns about my sister's safety. I would never dream of leaving her and my niece without family on Christmas Day if the situation were reversed. I've told her how hurt I am, but nothing has changed.

I genuinely want some objective opinions because I know emotions are involved.

AIBU to expect my sister to make more of an effort to include us, or am I being unfair given that it's also her partner's home and she's offered Boxing Day?

I don't know why you would want to spend time at her house if her husband hates you.

You can see your sister another time, when he is not around.

You've said she's coming to you on Boxing Day, won't that do?

So if she goes against his wishes he will smash her face in. There is your answer. I’ve voted YAU because although I can see why you’d feel hurt, if she puts her relationship with you in front of him, she is literally in mortal danger.

She needs you to be ready and there for the time when she feels able to leave him. Don’t give up on her but also don’t take this personally.

She has no choice here until she leaves.

There are many separate sides here that you are fusing together.

You have to make a life for yourself and your son that fulfils your needs that is your responsibility, don’t put that on your sister it will damage your relationship. I strongly suggest you get involved with an autism support group locally it can be a real lifeline in situations like yours.

Your sister should get out of her abusive relationship, that is her responsibility not yours, you’ve sad your bit.

You need to keep your son away from violent and abusive men, that is your responsibility.

Violent and abusive men will treat victims like shit as your BIL is doing to you and your sister so you need to get real about your expectations around that and just keep away from him.

You don't have to spend Christmas Day alone. If your son can cope with lunch out, then do that, otherwise make your dinner at home with as many goodies as you like or can afford. Have a lovely tree and presents round it. Have a fun time together opening presents, watching his favourite programmes, maybe go for a walk. Don't spend Christmas Day with a nasty man who hurts your sister. Invite her for Boxing Day instead and start quietly helping her ditch this abusive person - her life is in danger if he goes in for strangling her and he needs stopping.

You seem to be completely glossing over the fact your sister is being violently abused and by extension your niece is being exposed to DV and focusing on whether you're invited for Christmas...it's quite self-centred to be honest, OP.

Has this abuse been reported to the police? It needs to be reported to the police and the school so they can refer to social services to get help for the family. Where you spend Christmas Day should be very, very far down your list of worries.

Your sister is in a dangerous and vulnerable position.

You talk about her having no empathy when in fact still having a relationship with you is likely something she has to defend.

She’s showing huge strength of character maintaining her relationship with you in the face of terrifying violence and you’re still complaining that she’s not doing enough?

You’re being very unfair, and very very short sighted.

Your sister is in a hideous position - However even if she wasn't, you can't force somebody to spend Christmas Day with you just because it's what you want. I won't pretend to understand how difficult it must be for you and your son but you can't make someone be with you.
If your son doesn't understand it at all why not have a second Christmas Day with your sister and niece on Boxing Day. If things are as grim at home as you feel they are she would probably enjoy that too.

Where is YOUR empathy? Your sister could potentially have lost custody of her daughter because you called SS and you didn’t call the police! I’d have seen that as you attempting to have my child removed from me.
You have now sadly made it so that she is unlikely to confide in you ever again for fear of her child being taken.
Id be grateful she is still seeing you on Boxing Day. You know she is in a precarious and dangerous relationship and you’re still pressuring her. Go find your own empathy.

My son is now 35 and was non verbal till he was eight. You’ve said your son doesn’t understand Christmas so it makes it harder, can you please explain what you mean so people can perhaps make suggestions to help you as I’m under the impression that it’s you who needs company on Christmas Day. That your son won’t miss people not being there.

It sounds like a really difficult position to be in. Like other posters have said, she is probably protecting herself in telling you she is unable to see you on Christmas day for fear of angering him. If he is coercive controlling, he will have a vested interest in damaging your relationship with her, so this may also be part of his 'plan'.
It doesn't sound as though she is ready to leave him yet. It takes on average 7 attempts for people to leave an abusive partner before being able to commit to ending the relationship.

Having been in your position myself with my own sister, my advice would be to try and not let his actions come between you and your sister. Accept her offer of seeing her on boxing day and try and make it as lovely as you can. Be there for her as much as you can, whilst keeping yourself and your child safe, and reporting when you feel her physical safety is at risk.

I hope that one day she feels strong enough to leave.

Why report it to social services rather than the police? It's a criminal issue.

Your sister is in an abusive relationship.. this is the problem. I’m not sure why you’re focusing on Christmas Day. She is probably too scared to go against his wishes and you’re putting her in danger of him losing his temper again if you push her to insist.

I think you’re being really selfish.

I guess I just feel hurt that she doesn't show much empathy around the situation and it's a hard no.

What is it you want her to do? Tell her partner actually no, you’ll be coming regardless of what he thinks? How do you think that will go down? He’s strangled her meaning the likelihood of him literally murdering her has increased by a huge percentage. Until your sister is ready and able to leave the situation, this is her life and it’s dangerous. You don’t seem to have any empathy for the fact her life is at risk.

However, I'm incredibly hurt. My son and I don't have a large family network, and the thought of spending Christmas Day just the two of us while my sister, niece and her partner celebrate together makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded.

YABU for this regardless of the backstory. She isn’t having a huge family get together. She’s spending Christmas with her partner and her child, I’m not sure how that’s excluding you. She’s offered Boxing Day which is a fair alternative.

Your situation sounds hard but your sisters also is a very difficult one.

Pretend Boxing Day is Christmas OP and have your Christmas with her and the children then. Do something else the day before.
I’m sure some days are hard for you with your son, but you are both safe. Your sister and her child are not. With the greatest respect, this is not (just) about you. Be her rock so that when she is able to leave you can help them.

Based on what you’ve shared I don’t think any of this is about you, OP. It sounds like your sister is in survival mode and just doesn’t have the bandwidth to manage anyone else’s feelings right now.

In an incredibly weird way, the abusive dickhead is behaving more rationally here.

You reported them to SS for very valid reasons and it was the right thing to do, but it's a) now normal that he doesn't want you there and b) weird that you'd want your son to be there - you need to safeguard him!

My BIL was violent towards my sister. He doesn't like me - but he is also someone I don't want my son around.

Your sister is choosing an abusive man over you at the moment. It’s tragic but it’s the way it is so prepare to be there for her when she decides to leave, in the meantime.

She's with a man who tried to kill her. She's likely scared as hell, maybe needs empathy from you as much as you need it from her.

Make boxing day your christmas day.

Keep everything crossed your sister manages to get away before he kills her.

I’m sorry, but I think it’s a bit harsh of you to accuse your sister of lacking empathy when you seem to be incapable of understanding how things are for her in an abusive relationship which she is clearly scared to leave.

She can’t just make an effort and put her foot down and invite you round against her husband’s wishes because HER HUSBAND FUCKING STRANGLES HER WHEN HE’S ANGRY.

Do you not realise that your sister is in an awful, coercive, controlling situation, with a child involved, and is scared to leave? And your main concern is how this affects YOU on one day of the year? Yeah, I think you might need to take a look at your empathy here, because your sister is not the one who’s lacking.

Nobody is obliged to spend Christmas Day with you at all. She’s seeing you on Boxing Day, which is nice of her. I totally get that you’re lonely and that your son’s condition makes things hard for you. But you can’t just demand people entertain you on your specific festive day of choice just because you don’t want to have to be at home with your son that day.

You’re being colossally unreasonable to expect her to risk her own safety and possibly ruin Christmas Day with her own child by inviting you round when she knows this will likely create violent conflict with her husband.

Your concern here should be ‘How can I support my abused sister and safeguard my niece who lives in a violent household’, not ‘Who will entertain me and my son on Christmas Day’

You need to keep reporting it.
If it is ongoing when you call then keep her on phone. record the call if you can and call police on another device to attend.
There is your niece here who may end up motherless.
Dont focus on xmas day just organize a low key day . Your suster is probably dreadi g a day under his control.
And keep getting advice on how to support your sister. To get away and stay away.
Have you told her clearly she can flee to yours anytime?

OP you're not part of your sister's nuclear family. That's her her partner and their DC, and they want to spend Christmas Day as a family. Of course her partner is punishing you for calling police on him! He's a violent control freak, how else would you expect him to behave?! You're lucky he's not totally alienated her against you and that she's still willing to risk angering him to see you. I know it isn't fair and she's mental, but he's the man she's chosen for whatever reason. So as her nuclear family he's going to come above you in her priorities and that's how it should be when you're with someone. Hopefully one day she comes to her senses and gets rid of him.

He's violent and aggressive. He's a ghastly beast. You know this. Because you know this, you caused him to dislike you because you had the integrity to expose him. So this has caused the issue with xmas day. Your sister is afraid of him. Pissing him off would do her absolutely no good.

It's normal to proitised spending time with parters - father of children at christmas above siblings. He's not going want you under his roof having reported him - and having a voilent man round a your child wouldn't work.

So you are asking her to spend time with you over her partner.

That would be a hard no from most anyway but add in she in a DV situation - one that could easily lead to her death - and I'm staggered you'd think like this.

It's understandable you want her out this DV situation - but she need to do that - but even if/when she is she may still protisied spending time with her DD on Christmas day rather than with you and your child.

You sound lucky to get boxing day TBH as her partner could object to spending time with someone who reported him - though reporting does sound warrented and must have been a difficult thing to do.

What about other friends? Or often Churches do Christmas Lunches for people on their own .A friend goes to the cinema on Christmas day ! Comes home and has "picky bits! opens presents and has a glass or two .Older son has LD quite mild ones

I understand why you reported your sisters partner to social services, I really do, but did you honestly think that if they stayed together you would be welcome in their home? I think you have been a bit naive if you didn't think there would be consequences - what's the phrase - no good deed goes unpunished?