To be hurt that my sister won't spend Christmas Day with me and my son?

[MauveHare]

I'm a single mum to a young boy who is autistic and non-verbal. My sister is my closest and only family member, and she has a daughter herself.
I've asked whether my son and I could spend some time with them on Christmas Day, but she's refused and said she'll see us on Boxing Day instead.

For context, my sister's partner absolutely hates me. Last year, I contacted social services after he was physically violent towards her, including strangling her. Ever since, he's held this against me and doesn't want me in their home.

My sister is still with him. She says she's spoken to him extensively about us spending Christmas together, but he refuses. Her response is that he lives there too, so it's his decision as well.
I appreciate that it's his home too and that my sister has offered Boxing Day. I also understand that she may be in a difficult position.

However, I'm incredibly hurt. My son and I don't have a large family network, and the thought of spending Christmas Day just the two of us while my sister, niece and her partner celebrate together makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded.

I'm not asking to spend the entire day there. Even a couple of hours together would mean a lot to me.

What hurts particularly is that I feel I'm being punished for raising concerns about my sister's safety. I would never dream of leaving her and my niece without family on Christmas Day if the situation were reversed. I've told her how hurt I am, but nothing has changed.

I genuinely want some objective opinions because I know emotions are involved.

AIBU to expect my sister to make more of an effort to include us, or am I being unfair given that it's also her partner's home and she's offered Boxing Day?

Your life on your own with your son is undoubtedly very difficult. But at least you are safe, you are in control of your own life- she isn’t.

In terms of “empathy” I think you need work some up in the other direction.

....most of the time she says they are better now and everything is fine.

She's just saying that to try to keep the peace.

Men who strangle their partners are significantly more likely to eventually kill their partners. She is literally fighting for her life.

I suspect that this is more to do with the abusive and controlling husband than whether she wants to come or not. She is probably trying to keep the peace.

I guess I just feel hurt that she doesn't show much empathy around the situation and it's a hard no.

But you're doing the same. You're not empathising with the fact that she has an abusive partner and expecting her to prioritise you over him. Have you thought about what his reaction might be if she did come? What he might do to her if she goes against him?

You are focusing on the wrong thing and directing your anger at the wrong person. Your sister is in a dangerous, abusive relationship with a man who may well kill her some day. Who cares about Christmas? You have a much bigger problem here.

I think that you need to be realistic. I get wanting a happy family Christmas but very dysfunctional people don't stop being dysfunctional for special occasions. In the long run we all hope that your sister can get out of this relationship but it's unlikely to be in time for Christmas.

What you're seeking relationship wise you aren't going to get from her. Is there anyone else in your lives that you can reach out to?

Sorry OP but your sister and niece are in a physically dangerous situation and you are making it all about your hurt feelings. I appreciate things are not easy for you but you really need to look elsewhere for support because your sister cannot provide it while she is living with this monster.

Even without the backstory you are BU to expect your sister to spend Christmas Day with you. The planned Boxing Day plan is lovely, and shows she cares about you, and if your son won't really understand that much anyway, why not just make that your "official Christmas"?

You are surely aware that pushing your sister to do something against her partner's wishes may end very badly for her. Supporting her unconditionally is the best you can do for her at the moment.

If he won't have you in his house for Christmas Day, how come he would for Boxing Day? What on earth is the difference?

More to the point, why on earth are you so desperate to expose your son to this absolute madness? You will have to leave your sister to it, you have tried your best and she is still with him. Don't drag your son into this.

If your sister goes against his wishes she is risking violence against her and maybe against your niece. Christmas is already a dangerous time for her given heightened emotions and a general increase in alcohol consumption. Unless and until she leaves him her decisions will be based on what is safest.

My Christmas will be just me and my autistic 5 year old. The idea of more company sounds nice but I'm content with just the two of us. Hopefully we'll be able to go on a nice walk or to a park on the day.

It doesn't sound a good idea to be spending time with the partner. It will just cause a weird atmosphere. You could see if any neighbours/clubs/churches are hosting any Christmas Dinner or activities. Be content with having a quiet small Christmas

Kindly, the whole world does not revolve around you. Your sister's husband does not want you there, he is violent so if you push your sister into forcing him to allow you to be there it means that she is the one he will batter, is that what you want?
Yes it is hard being on your own but it is equally hard for others especially your sister.
You need to look into local support groups, maybe there you will find the help and friendship you need.💐

I get that your life isn't fantastic either but comparatively you have a much better and safer life than your sister does right now. She can't go against her partner's wishes or she might end up dead. She has no choice in the matter as things are right now, so please stop making her feel worse by putting this all on her and making her feel like she is ruining your Christmas.

Agree with every word of this. Tbh I find your thinking quite astonishing.

That leapt out at me too. You're not showing any empathy for your sister at all.

You reported her DH (the right thing to do) but to expect him then to let her out of the house on Christmas Day to visit you, and be by himself for that part of the day, is quite an astonishing expectation on your part. Even if he was a really reasonable man and your suspicions were mistaken, there's still no way he would be expected to be happy with that

To be honest I think you're very fortunate that your sister is prepared and able to come to you on boxing day.

I think you are dodging a bullet here. Your sister sounds like she is in an abusive relationship and probably knows that you turning up on Christmas Day would not work. She's still up for Boxing Day though and you should be fine with that. It will be a break for her and your niece.

Surely you don't want to spend any part of Christmas in the home of a violent, abusive man who hates you and knows you have reported him before now (which you were right to do by the way, but he certainly won't see it that way)?

You also shouldn't even consider taking your child there with you. Who knows what could happen if this man kicks off!? For that you are being unreasonable so you need to just leave it. You might be intending to do it to protect your sister, but really, it might very well just have the opposite effect, enrage him and put you all at risk. These things need very careful management.

Do something nice with your own child on Christmas Day. Nice food in for both of you, some presents, going for a walk if that suits, going out for a drink. Christmas films to watch and possibly games to play.

Seeing your sister and your niece on their own on Boxing Day sounds like the best solution possible under the present circumstances.

1 your sister is in an abusive relationship. This means that she doesn't always have control over what she does and when she does it or who she does it with. This isn't actually about you - you need to understand what is happening and be aiming to encourage her to walk away from this man, not take it personally when you're excluded

2 You should not be spending time with them anyway. He hates you because you see through him and he's abusive. He will behavebadly towards you and your DS and that is not helpful. Also, you causing issues and making your sister choose between him and you will not help and will add to the trauma she is experiencing.

Treat boxing day like it's Christmas Day and plan accordingly. Make Christmas day just a fun little day for you and your DS.

Why would you want your son around him in the first place?

And why are you emotionally blackmailing your sister into arguing with her abusive partner by telling her how hurt you are? Aren't you worried he could become violent if she feels pressured to keep bringing it up?

Obviously it would be better if she left him, but I'd be more worried about her safety than your own Christmas plans (though I do appreciate it must be hard as a single mum). If she's coming Boxing Day, why don't you just treat that as your main celebration?

Poor sister, she is clearly in a terrible situation. I hope you can support her to resolve the situation. YABU though because getting upset and putting on pressure about Christmas day isn't going to help. Can you work on developing and deepening other friendships and relationships over the coming year?

Surely the real issue here is that your sister shouldnt be with this man. Forget about xmas. I'd concenrrate more on seeing your sister away from him and trying to get her to understand she is in a controlling relationahip and needs to leave for the sake of her child as much as herself. Xmas is really a non issue in sll of this.

Are you actually serious? You think it would be a good idea to take a child with SEN into an abusive household, with someone who you know hates you, and play happy families? And come on, you can hardly be surprised that she won’t come to you, because (a) he’s her husband and (b) she’s terrified of him and probably worried for her own child.

Plus SURELY won’t you have a better time just you and your DS in a relaxed chilled environment without an abuser prowling round looking for excuses to lose their shit?

The wider picture is obviously horrible but all you can do here is support your sister and be a safe place for her to come to when she’s ready. Setting up a battle over Christmas is not helpful, it smacks of you using this as a tool to beat her with because you disapprove of her choices.

OP, this is a horrible situation for you all, but the likelihood is that she really doesn’t have a choice. Things are only “better” if she is doing what he wants. Putting pressure on her to keep asking him, or go against what he has said, is only putting her at risk.

It must be hard managing on your own, and yes, it would be lovely if you could spend some of that day with her, but I think you need to try to accept that this is how things are while she is still with him.

maybe one day she will feel strong enough to leave, and will be very grateful for your support

You are hurt that your sister’s abusive partner isn’t allowing her to spend Christmas day with you instead of him. Of all the reasons in the world, surely you could understand that one. It can’t be easy for her to do what you are expecting of her.

Your feelings are hurt but your sister stands to have a lot more than her feelings hurt, if you carry on with this. What on earth are you doing inviting yourself to someone else's home in the first place, let alone one where your presence is bound to make things unpleasant and very likely put your sister in a very dangerous situation? I feel angry on her behalf that you can't see this. I'm sure your life is very difficult but hers must be a million times worse. You should be bending over backwards to help her, not bellyaching about your feelings being hurt. Christmas is one day but she's living that life 365 days a year.
I'm interested to know what spurred you on into reporting him because, if it was concern for your sister, you're not showing much care for her now.

I think op it sounds as though all her emotional energy is needed for her own situation at the moment.

Imagine how you'd feel if she pushed for Christmas and then bore the brunt of it from him - which doesn't sound unlikely.

I know you feel you did nothing wrong in standing up for her - and you didn't - but in a way pushing about Christmas is you putting her in harm's way.

It is just an unfortunate circumstance and I think you need to back away on this.