To be hurt that my sister won't spend Christmas Day with me and my son?

[MauveHare]

I'm a single mum to a young boy who is autistic and non-verbal. My sister is my closest and only family member, and she has a daughter herself.
I've asked whether my son and I could spend some time with them on Christmas Day, but she's refused and said she'll see us on Boxing Day instead.

For context, my sister's partner absolutely hates me. Last year, I contacted social services after he was physically violent towards her, including strangling her. Ever since, he's held this against me and doesn't want me in their home.

My sister is still with him. She says she's spoken to him extensively about us spending Christmas together, but he refuses. Her response is that he lives there too, so it's his decision as well.
I appreciate that it's his home too and that my sister has offered Boxing Day. I also understand that she may be in a difficult position.

However, I'm incredibly hurt. My son and I don't have a large family network, and the thought of spending Christmas Day just the two of us while my sister, niece and her partner celebrate together makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded.

I'm not asking to spend the entire day there. Even a couple of hours together would mean a lot to me.

What hurts particularly is that I feel I'm being punished for raising concerns about my sister's safety. I would never dream of leaving her and my niece without family on Christmas Day if the situation were reversed. I've told her how hurt I am, but nothing has changed.

I genuinely want some objective opinions because I know emotions are involved.

AIBU to expect my sister to make more of an effort to include us, or am I being unfair given that it's also her partner's home and she's offered Boxing Day?

If he's abusive you have no idea what consequences she could face from him for choosing you over him on Christmas, you should support her and keep communication open. Christmas is just a day, a bit very good day we all put too much pressure on. Just reframe it. She's coming boxing day.

I can imagine what your sister would return to if she went out to see you on Christmas Day.

@MauveHare

What empathy do you want your sister to show OP? I don't understand your comment.

SHE is the one in an abusive and volatile relationship - being strangled, threatened with violence etc. What empathy do you want her to show? I am not clear on this. She is in a crisis!

It sounds like you feel lonely on Christmas day with your son not being aware of things. Do you have other friends you could invite around? Or go to one of the many Christmas events that are organised by churches etc - then come home and have a nice evening with your son?

This is hard. I think, because you can't make your DSis leave until she wants to, and your DS doesn't understand the significance of Christmas, I would absolutely ignore Christmas Day itself.

This year Christmas lands on 26th December when you and DS and DSis and DN will really celebrate away from that shithead.

It will have posh canapes and prosecco when DSis arrives, then presents, then a proper Christmas Dinner (buy pre-prepped) with a special bottle of wine, fancy dessert and posh mince pies, Baileys.

So on the 25th I would get on with the day exactly as usual, prepping the food for The Big Day, wrapping etc, as much as you can around DS. Maybe order myself a takeaway in the evening. Lovely!

PS on re-reading I see my ideal Christmas features a leeetle alcohol - If possible get DSis a cab there and back - cheaper on 26th December if you pre-book!

Have fun OP. All you can really do is provide opportunities of comparison, so she notices how fucking horrible it is being with that piece of ordure, and how much happier her DD is when she's away from him.

One of these will be the final nail in his coffin, even if not immediately, and then your role will be to support her when she leaves.

Not true.

Social services would not remove her child. They would work with her. The police should always report to social services domestic abuse as it’s a safeguarding issue regardless of whether the child is at risk directly. Reporting to social services is about protecting children not telling on parents.

I think I agree with a lot of PP. Empathy can be wonderful and I understand why it's something that most of us want from others but when a person is in a difficult living situation they inevitably have less of a capacity for this.

Will your little boy realise the significance of spending Christmas just with you? If not, you needn't worry on his account, and hopefully he and you will have a nice family time the following day.
You must be very worried about your sister, it sounds terrible.

You are making this about you when it’s about your sister being being controlled by an abusive test. What do you think would happen if she ‘insisted’ you spent Christmas with her? Your sister is smart enough to not do or say anything to antagonise a dangerous man.

But she has tried, she told you she has asked extensively. This clearly isn't in her control so why are you blaming her?

Your sister is in an abusive relationship,

She is seeing you on Boxing Day,

Do you want her to keep pressing this issue with a violent man who dislikes you? stop focusing on yourself and have some empathy towards your sister.

I have only read your posts, @MauveHare, so apologies if anyone else has suggested this, but could you postpone Christmas Day to Boxing Day, so you get to have ‘Christmas’ with your sister? Make the actual day a very chilled, easy day - drink hot chocolate, watch cartoons your boy enjoys, maybe order a takeaway, then have your proper Christmas with your sister the next day,

Of course she's going to say that. She knows he will kill her if she doesnt.

If you spend the 25th december alone you will be lonely.

If you force yourself into her home on the 25th she may be dead on the 26th.

Look for local groups for children with autism and join them. You will make connections with other parents. These groups will have events you can take your son to.

Your sister is in an abusive relationship- she's not picking him over you and your son, she is doing what she feels she needs to do to survive while she is living with and in a relationship with someone who is a significant risk.

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship and unable to leave when everyone around me couldnt understand it (because they didnt understand that actually in so many ways it was safer for me to stay until I could get the right things in place for me to get out safely but that took time), please don't see it as a slight againt you. It's not a reflection of how she feels about you versus him, she will be doing whatever she needs to do to placate him so that she can stay safe.

He sounds like the very last person I would want to spend time with. Stand your ground and avoid him and have a lovely day with your son.

From their point of view, they will think ‘Hang on, she can’t grass us up to SS on one hand and on the other want to spend family time with us on Christmas Day, because she hasn’t got anyone else.’

It’s like you’re using them because you haven’t got anyone else.

I would avoid this man like the plague.

Shes in an abusive relationship including strangling which has high correlation with murder.....

Your big concern isn't her literal death...its
your feelings...

"makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded."

Did you ever stop to consider she probably got a beating just for asking if you could come.....

And "hurt she doesn't show much empathy"

She's in abusive controlling relationship and fighting for her life.... what part of that don't you get?

Raising a severely austic child is incredibly hard but if you need additional support...your sister is prob the last person to seek it from right now

I don't understand why you'd want to put yourself and your vulnerable child in a situation with a violent and abusive man. It doesn't make sense.

It sounds a sensible decision not to spend Christmas together in the circumstances you describe. Your sister is in an intolerable situation. No point in adding to her difficulties.

What do you think the aftermath of Christmas with you at their house will be, since he hates you and doesn’t want you there? It will be further violence towards your sister with you being used as his excuse. She’s in the grips of DV. She probably is keeping it together as much as possible for her daughter while she figures out what she can do to leave him. Give her a break ffs. Just have Xmas on Boxing Day instead.

I think this arrangement makes more sense.

She’s navigating an abusive relationship, give her some leeway.

Yabu op.
Even if your sisters husband wasn't abusive, spending Christmas Day with just your spouse and own dc , if that's what suits your own little family is absolutely fine.

Not even going into he abuse and why you would want to, they are allowed to want to spend Christmas as a family if they want. I dont think you can ask to go to some one else's on Christmas, you can be asked or you can ask them to yours.

My first thought too.

Sounds like your sister has enough on her plate without the guilt you are adding. Even if her partner was not an abuser, if she wanted to spend xmas just the three of them that is her choice you should respect.

I voted yabu because I can’t imagine why you’d want to take your son there to spend. Christmas with a violent man

Learn to just treat xmas as just another day. Your sister has very little choice and you could treat her kinder. Right now you are just another burden she has to carry, grow up.