To be hurt that my sister won't spend Christmas Day with me and my son?

[MauveHare]

I'm a single mum to a young boy who is autistic and non-verbal. My sister is my closest and only family member, and she has a daughter herself.
I've asked whether my son and I could spend some time with them on Christmas Day, but she's refused and said she'll see us on Boxing Day instead.

For context, my sister's partner absolutely hates me. Last year, I contacted social services after he was physically violent towards her, including strangling her. Ever since, he's held this against me and doesn't want me in their home.

My sister is still with him. She says she's spoken to him extensively about us spending Christmas together, but he refuses. Her response is that he lives there too, so it's his decision as well.
I appreciate that it's his home too and that my sister has offered Boxing Day. I also understand that she may be in a difficult position.

However, I'm incredibly hurt. My son and I don't have a large family network, and the thought of spending Christmas Day just the two of us while my sister, niece and her partner celebrate together makes me feel incredibly unwanted and excluded.

I'm not asking to spend the entire day there. Even a couple of hours together would mean a lot to me.

What hurts particularly is that I feel I'm being punished for raising concerns about my sister's safety. I would never dream of leaving her and my niece without family on Christmas Day if the situation were reversed. I've told her how hurt I am, but nothing has changed.

I genuinely want some objective opinions because I know emotions are involved.

AIBU to expect my sister to make more of an effort to include us, or am I being unfair given that it's also her partner's home and she's offered Boxing Day?

I get it’s hard for you for you OP. But please have some empathy for your sister and your niece who are living with an abusive man.

OP, rightly or wrongly you can't expect someone you reported to the authorities to welcome you into their house to celebrate something. You just can't. I can't wrap my head around why you would.even want to take a vulnerable child there anyway?!

Your sister is trapped in an abusive relationship and she's obviously trying to split herself in half to keep the peace. She's probably utterly dreading Christmas.

Make boxing day your Christmas day.

Given her partner's history of violence, she is protecting herself by not inviting you. You can't expect her to put herself, her daughter - and possibly you and your son - at risk. I'm sorry for your situation, but a stressful (and possible violent) situation on Christmas Day really wouldn't help. I hope you find something good to do on Christmas - A carol service at a local church maybe? Our local mosque invites all comers to food on Christmas day. - for you and your little boy. And that your sister escapes her dreadful situation.

He sounds like a scary man so of course she’s not going to go against him. She may really really want to see you but if pushing that at home is going to put her in danger, you can’t really expect her to be forceful about it.

Unfortunately I think what she’s offering is the best she can do so I would take it. This way you get to see her and your niece but you don’t have to see him or have him around your child.

How will you spend Christmas Day? Is there anyone you can invite around? Or just have Christmas Day as a quiet day then celebrate on Boxing Day?

Your sister is trapped in an abusive relationship and she's obviously trying to split herself in half to keep the peace. She's probably utterly dreading Christmas.

Absolutely this OP. Please don't make it worse for her.

Of course you’re not going to be welcomed in their home after calling the police on him. He’s a piece of shit and you were fully justified in doing so, but there were always going to be consequences. She’s absolutely right in saying that it is his house too, and she cannot force him to welcome you.

She’s unfortunately still with her abuser, and as such she’s stuck trying to appease both of you. Ultimately her priority is going to be keeping the peace to try and give her daughter a good Christmas Day, not one marked by her parents fighting about and/or with you. You already know that he’s quite prepared to escalate to physical violence.

That you can’t seem to see that suggests the person struggling with empathy here is you.

I’d be less worried about my own hurt and more terrified about my sister’s safety. Strangulation is a predictor for future lethal domestic violence.

Honestly, trick yourself into thinking Christmas Day is Christmas Eve and then have the best Christmas Day with your sister on "boxing day", your son won't know, this is YOU feeling lonely and unloved at this tricky time of year. I think for everyone's safety and happiness, you need to drop this. Your situation is not your sisters fault, even if she is being a mug for staying with him, she is doing what she feels is best for her immediate family and has offered you a decent compromise. However much of an abusive twat he is, of course he doesn't want you in his home..... you reported him!! I can't believe you would be willing to be in the same room as him, it doesn't make sense.

Well, she's trying to survive, isn't she? She can't argue with a man who's likely to strangle her again. 😢

No Christmas celebration would ever see me bring my vulnerable child around a man I know is abuse especially if that child is non speaking and cannot tell you if he does anything to him.

I think unfortunately your sister has to do as she’s told at present and can’t choose whether she visits you or invites you.

“my sister's partner absolutely hates me”

So why on earth would you expect to see your DSis and her husband on Christmas Day? You’re being v unreasonable, OP, and making it all about you and your wants, rather than thinking of your sister and how conflicted she must feel. I feel v sorry for your sister - it is profoundly to be hoped that she will leave her abusive husband before he seriously hurts her. But I understand only too well how difficult it is to get away, and she probably knows how difficult her DH would make it for her to get a divorce. So rather than feeling sorry for yourself, OP, have a little compassion for your sister, who would probably be pleased to see you on Christmas Day, but is afraid of her DH and his reaction. Just be glad that you will be seeing her on Boxing Day.

I appreciate you are in a difficult situation but your sister is in a highly volatile and coercive control relationship. She is unlikely to have a realistic choice about where she spends Christmas. You need to show her some empathy and understanding

Probably because the fall out for her could be difficult/ dangerous! I totally get that you feel excluded for doing the right thing ( I’d feel the same) but her safety has to be priority. She’s trying to please everybody to keep the peace and upsetting you ( rather than him) keeps her safe. Rubbish for you though.
Can you and your son make a cosy little Christmas with nice food, Xmas films, a walk - anything that you both like ?
I appreciate your son’s autism makes things different and that must be hard for you. But with just the two of you , you don’t have to accommodate or please anyone else.
I’d be mainlining Quality Street and roast potatoes all day in new Xmas pjs all day if I could. I hope you get to have a nice time .

Your sister should prioritise her partner over her sister.
She can't really go to your without him, as it's taking their child away fron their dad.
I get that he's a scum bag, but she's with him still. She's likely scared of him.
You're not on your own, you're with your son.

So I'm actually going to put the domestic abuse to one side - even tho obviously it's awful, obviously you are worried and obviously would be happier if she ended it.

Separately, any sibling saying no thank you we want to spend Xmas just our immediate family and see you on boxing day is not being unreasonable.

I can understand how you feel but I honestly think you are better off not spending any time at all with your brother in law. Will he be there on Boxing Day?

OP your sister is in an awful situation. You must be able to see that. She cannot host you for Christmas. You (rightly) called Social Services on her partner. It would be unsafe for her to have you over and quite possibly you and your son.

Be warned that he may not let her go to you on Boxing Day and if that does happen please do not let on to your sister how upset this makes you. Christmas time is a bib trigger for Domestic Violence. She has more to worry about than you feeling excluded.

It isn't about effort. Nor is it about you.

She is in an abusive relationship. It is not that she doesn't want to spend the time with you. She can't. If she does, she risks further escalation, further violence etc. She is trying to keep herself and her child safe, hopefully until she can find a way out. It has probably taken a huge effort for her to even be able to escape for a couple of hours on Boxing Day.

Don't make her life harder by putting her under pressure. I understand you meant well calling social services but hate to think how he treated her as a result.

Please understand that while your life is hard with your son, hers is quite literally in danger.

You sound like you think she is lucky she has an adult there to spend xmas with. She is not. She has said things are better, they are not. She may have learnt to appease him but will be living in fear. It does sound difficult for you but please dont push things with your sister, she needs you to be her rock and be there ready for when she has the courage to leave. I hope you and your little boy manage to enjoy a relaxing christmas together and have a lovely boxing day with your sister.

Yes you are being unreasonable. It isn't your sister's job to entertain you. It's a no and you're putting her in a very difficult position.

The partner is obviously an arsehole, but you can't really expect a sibling to spent Christmas with you rather than their partner and the dad of their dc.

Your sister sounds like she is in an abusive relationship. I’m afraid to say I think you sound a little self-centred if you feel she should put your needs above, potentially, her own safety. Her Christmas sounds like it’ll be awful, spending it with a man who is verbally and physically abusive, I’m not sure I agree she should prioritise your need to be with another adult above getting through her own nightmare and I think it’s unfair to lay the guilt in her.

I hope you and your son manage to make the most of Christmas and that you and your sister can support each other on Boxing Day.

This. You're unreasonable and focusing on the wrong thing. I bet she's dreading Christmas.

I get your position. I would be hurt too but your sister is a victim of abuse so cannot see clearly now.

Is there literally no other family or friends you can be with?