Am I being selfish about him not being ready?

[daftsod92]

Maybe it's a bit cliche but hey ho.

New job, met a bloke, fell in love.

We kissed on a works do (out of the blue really, we both just went for it) and since then we got closer, agreed we both enjoyed it, met up more often and got to know each other very intimately. This was about half a year after I got the job, so we weren't total strangers, just work acquaintances until the kiss.

He confided in some very dark events in his childhood which he has struggled with since, and is in therapy and medicated for. He knows I champion mental health and support him fully.

Started sending nudes to each other, then sleeping together. He'd pat my arse from time to time, we'd snuggle and kiss. We said we loved each other.

Then, the day before he goes on holiday for a week, he says he needs to take a step back and he doesn't see things working. I react as well as you'd imagine, then he's gone for a week. He comes back and says he regrets what he said and "part of him" wants to try again, but because of his past he doesn't want a proper relationship (yet). And the same day he came back and I was dreading what was going to happen, he showed me a pic of him in sexy wear on the phone. It sent a very confusing message.

Anyway three months later I sat him down and said "If it's a definite no, tell me right now" He hesitated and said it was not a definite no, and he "can't deny his feelings for me" but that his past trauma is blocking him from making a proper decision.

I am completely in love with him. To a hopeless degree. I would do anything for him. He seems oblivious to how much I feel for him. My heart flutters every time he enters the office in the morning. It hurts.

Am I being selfish?

I am one thousand percent certain there isn't another love interest behind the curtain.

Stupid not selfish! He’s stringing you along best to move on now if I was you.

Sounds like self sabotage, not selfishness.

Sorry OP but you can’t fix this man. Let him fix himself and find you when / if he’s ever ready.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s a question of you being selfish or not. I just think that he’s not that into you. I’m sorry.

You like him more than he likes you.
Up to you whether or not you continue intimacy under these circumstances. I wouldn't. He's messing you around.

As Paul Newman says to Joanne Woodward about her limp beau in The Long Hot Summer:

If you're saving it all for him honey, you've got your account in the wrong bank."

He says he's still happy to have sex and be physically close but he can't get past the hurdle of emotional commitment. Usually I'd say that's typical but because of his background, I can believe it's deeper than that and he genuinely wants to try. Or maybe I'm just naive.

"Then, the day before he goes on holiday for a week, he says he needs to take a step back and he doesn't see things working."

Interesting timing. Was it a 'lads' holiday, by any chance? And where did he go?

You know what they say... if it's not a hell yes, then it's got to be a no. No one wants to be with someone who is half-arsed about them, whatever the reason. It will destroy your self-esteem, OP.

It sounds like he said that the day before he went on holiday so he could go away and and feel free to enjoy himself as a single man. And then when he came back he wanted to reel you back in.
He wants a relationship with you on his own terms OP. And that's not a committed one.

He says he's still happy to have sex and be physically close but he can't get past the hurdle of emotional commitment.
Gosh that's good of him.
Come on OP, wake up.

If he wanted to he would, mental health or not I’m afraid.

Move on OP. Life is not complicated, if it works it works.

People who can’t make decisions and blame their mental health aren’t worth bothering with in this situation. You can find someone who doesn’t have trauma and mental health issues who won’t make your life difficult.

Listen to what he’s telling you and go and find someone without issues who you can have a simple and enjoyable life with.

It makes no sense that he'd introduce me to his mother (briefly mind you, saw her through a car window but he deliberately asked me to come over and say hi) and then a few weeks later he steps back. Like what was the point of that then?

Oh what a surprise!

He's not interested in a relationship, just wants a shag. Instead of being a grown up about it, and suggesting a FWB situation, he's being a total arse and stringing you along. He's deliberately confusing things to keep you hanging on and hoping for more.

Oh come on! He took a step back because he wanted to be free to have a shag on holiday if the opportunity arose. He’s just stringing you along because it suits him. There’s a pretty good chance he’ll meet someone else, fall for her and at that point all of this trauma will fall away. And you’ll not see him for dust.

Sorry if this is blunt and don’t take it personally- but you need to end this now. He’s just going to keep breadcrumbing you until someone else comes along. You’ll waste years of your life waiting for him to commit.

You need to end it nicely (you work together), just say something like you have every sympathy with his issues but for your own mental health you need to end it as it’s starting to become confusing and you want to move forward with your life.

He wanted to shag about on holiday.
Of course he’s happy to shag you with no other strings.
Honestly OP, what would tell your sister/friend if they told you a bloke was doing this to them?

Of course he is 😂

Wake up OP, he’s using you.

You are being very naive. He knows how much you like him so he's happy to keep you dangling, he will sleep with you when it suits him but that's as far as it goes for him. . Stop letting him keep you on the hook, tell him you've lost interest. Hard as it is you will walk away with your dignity at least.

It means nothing, OP.

To some people, a family introduction, however brief, is meaningful. But this man sounds perfectly capable of manipulating the narrative to his own ends; you're getting tied up in emotional knots and wondering if YOU are the one being selfish (you are absolutely not!).

Please don't fall for any more of his nonsense.

The point was breadcrumbing- just enough signs of commitment to keep you interested so you’ll keep having sex with him.

Are you very young, OP? Or have little relationship experience?

Dumping you right before a holiday? Red flag.
Happy to have sex but not commit? Red flag.
Stringing you along with "not a definite no" because he knows you might dump him otherwise? Red flag.

Ten year age gap (he's the older one) if relevant

The point of the recent chat was to give him the chance to get off scot free. "If it's a no, say it" and even then he couldn't be decisive.

Why are you leaving the decision in his hands? You are giving him power over YOUR life - why??

Put an end to his little power trip. Tell him you are moving on and want no further contact and mean it.

Currently you are showing him just how little you are willing to accept.

He just wants a fuck buddy OP, if you don’t want that then it’s time to move along.

And for what its worth, don’t count on the fact that just because he has shared some traumatic childhood stories means he has a genuine reason for the way he behaves. My BIL can share a childhood trauma story better than most, and he does to every woman he wants to shag, “I’d love to commit to you BUT I can’t because of this trauma… it doesn’t stop me shagging you though, come back to mine”🙃 you can have trauma and also be a cheating, lying arsehole

He says he's still happy to have sex and be physically close

Yeah I bet he is. He saw you coming with your mental health campion badge.
He's a headfuck OP, just go cold turkey and move on. Maybe he's this way because of trauma, maybe he's just a dick. End result for you is the same. Treating you badly, leaving you guessing, second guessing and not knowing which way is up, hoping for him to be someone he isn't and wanting to fix him. Games and heartbreak. End result for him is sex and someone to play "boo hoo, poor me!" with when he wants to wallow.

You sent nudes to a colleague? Don’t do that again. Forget about him, it’s clearly just sex, nothing deeper.