Am I being selfish about him not being ready?

[daftsod92]

Maybe it's a bit cliche but hey ho.

New job, met a bloke, fell in love.

We kissed on a works do (out of the blue really, we both just went for it) and since then we got closer, agreed we both enjoyed it, met up more often and got to know each other very intimately. This was about half a year after I got the job, so we weren't total strangers, just work acquaintances until the kiss.

He confided in some very dark events in his childhood which he has struggled with since, and is in therapy and medicated for. He knows I champion mental health and support him fully.

Started sending nudes to each other, then sleeping together. He'd pat my arse from time to time, we'd snuggle and kiss. We said we loved each other.

Then, the day before he goes on holiday for a week, he says he needs to take a step back and he doesn't see things working. I react as well as you'd imagine, then he's gone for a week. He comes back and says he regrets what he said and "part of him" wants to try again, but because of his past he doesn't want a proper relationship (yet). And the same day he came back and I was dreading what was going to happen, he showed me a pic of him in sexy wear on the phone. It sent a very confusing message.

Anyway three months later I sat him down and said "If it's a definite no, tell me right now" He hesitated and said it was not a definite no, and he "can't deny his feelings for me" but that his past trauma is blocking him from making a proper decision.

I am completely in love with him. To a hopeless degree. I would do anything for him. He seems oblivious to how much I feel for him. My heart flutters every time he enters the office in the morning. It hurts.

Am I being selfish?

I am one thousand percent certain there isn't another love interest behind the curtain.

I had one of these. Almost to the letter. It ended I. Tears. Mine.

It’s interesting that his trauma doesn’t interrupt his sex life, or ability to continuously send nudes. But it’s been a useful tool for him to pull out and use whenever he wants a handy excuse for something.

You need to walk away from this one I’m afraid, he’s stringing you along

Of course he couldn't because he still wants the sex.

Wake up.

Oh mate! Where’s your self esteem?

Sounds like you’re waaaay more into him than he is into you. Recipe for disaster. (For you)
stop leaving the decision in his hands. (He’ll string you along and use you for sex)
take control of your own life. End it and leave with your dignity.

No honey. He just wants to have his way until he gets bored with you. Please don’t let him use you like that

Why would he say no when he can keep you the way he is? He can do whatever he wants and you’re just desperately hanging on.

The saying ‘if he wanted to he would’ couldn’t be more accurate here. He likes you, but he’s not that into you, likes the optional non committal sex though.

You aren’t being selfish but you are being pretty silly.

Behaviour is a language.

He’s already told you everything you need to know through his actions.

Start listening.

Everyone (unanimously for once!) on this thread is correct. You need to tell him that you sympathise but you are moving on. He is stringing you along. ‘Meeting’ his mother through a car window means absolutely nothing (she’s probably well aware of what he’s like and says hello to a new one every week 🙄). Dumping you right before a holiday - oh COME ON!

i doubt you will dump him though, you’ll allow him to string you along, giving you just enough each time to keen hanging on in there whilst he shags around behind your back, wastes years of your life and eventually buggers off properly for someone else leaving you devastated and tears on.

TAKE CONTROL. If he really liked you he’d commit regardless.

It makes not a jot of difference whether he’s a profoundly damaged human being desperate for love but incapable of being in a relationship or a womaniser who drops the ‘dark events’ with every new woman as a pre-emptive excuse for when he can’t give them more than a periodic shag, OP. It’s not working for you to be strung along by a colleague who’s incapable of offering what you want.

Ditch and don’t shag a colleague again. Jobs are more important than weak/ unavailable/sex-only men.

And work on your self-esteem.

Don’t cling onto things like this to give you hope.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would. He’s stringing you along. It’s hard but you have to let it go.

I had a totally non-commited ex who introduced me to his dad and his mother who had dementia. In hindsight, turns out he was snagging other women and ended up breaking up with me for one. Introducing you to the parents doesn't mean he wants you as his exclusive girlfriend, I'm sorry to say. And the mental health issues would not be an excuse for him to commit to you if he actually wanted to commit to you (again, speaking from experience).

Please OP hold out for a man who actually wants to commit to you

This something I've learned over the years.

You know you release dopamine as part of the reward centre of your brain? If it's an inconsistent reward, you release more dopamine. This is why gambling is so addictive, because you don't win every time.

I dated this guy seemed extremely keen but cancelled all the time. (And similarly we had the deep and meaningful heart to hearts he'd never shared with anyone else)
The cancellations meant when he actually did see me, the high was better than drugs. It felt like he must be God. But actually it was just because he fucked me about.

It's so much nicer being with my husband who is consistent.

See this is what makes me really angry. It’s so, so hard to function when you have childhood trauma, partly because people like this guy weaponise it in order to get their wants met without having to treat the other person like they matter. He will keep doing this because it means he can get access to women without ever having to do the hard work on himself. He’s not sure just as he gets on his flight then comes back and he’s all keen again? That’s manipulation, not trauma. He’s treating OP like she’s thick.

Get off scot free. From what? He’s getting what he wants. Commitment free sex, lots of attention from you and probably enjoying watching you torture yourself. It’s a win win for him.

He’s a selfish prick. The ( alleged ) past trauma doesn’t excuse it. Please find your self respect and walk away.

I don’t usually compare real life things to films, but you know The Holiday? You are the Kate Winslet to his Jasper I’m afraid.

For someone supposedly deeply hurt he sure loves hurting people.

Look at his actions OP not the flannel. He wanted to have a carefree holiday which means he had NO care for you.

You are being used. Please wake up ..your hopes are overwhelming the truth of your reality

Yep. And he can tell himself and anyone he's screwing over that he's not a bad guy, he just can't help it because... and never have to take responsibility for the avoidable hurt he's caused.

Came here to say exactly this!

Introducing his mum through a car window doesn't suggest commitment. You know that really. He's mucking around.

He’s keeping you dangling until someone he thinks is better comes along for him. Dump him.

He's just not into you. You're good enough to have sex with when he's got nothing else going on, but he dumps you with his childhood trauma excuse when he does.

Lots of people have trauma. If this guy wanted to be with you, he would be pulling out all the stops. But he's putting in as little effort as possible to keep having sex with you and you put up with that. He will never treat you well.

Why do you think such shit effort is good enough for you?

You're being very naive OP. This is going absolutely nowhere. He's only after sex and occasional company.

End it, he's a manipulative twat. Mental health issues doesn't give you an excuse to be a dick.