Am I being selfish about him not being ready?

[daftsod92]

Maybe it's a bit cliche but hey ho.

New job, met a bloke, fell in love.

We kissed on a works do (out of the blue really, we both just went for it) and since then we got closer, agreed we both enjoyed it, met up more often and got to know each other very intimately. This was about half a year after I got the job, so we weren't total strangers, just work acquaintances until the kiss.

He confided in some very dark events in his childhood which he has struggled with since, and is in therapy and medicated for. He knows I champion mental health and support him fully.

Started sending nudes to each other, then sleeping together. He'd pat my arse from time to time, we'd snuggle and kiss. We said we loved each other.

Then, the day before he goes on holiday for a week, he says he needs to take a step back and he doesn't see things working. I react as well as you'd imagine, then he's gone for a week. He comes back and says he regrets what he said and "part of him" wants to try again, but because of his past he doesn't want a proper relationship (yet). And the same day he came back and I was dreading what was going to happen, he showed me a pic of him in sexy wear on the phone. It sent a very confusing message.

Anyway three months later I sat him down and said "If it's a definite no, tell me right now" He hesitated and said it was not a definite no, and he "can't deny his feelings for me" but that his past trauma is blocking him from making a proper decision.

I am completely in love with him. To a hopeless degree. I would do anything for him. He seems oblivious to how much I feel for him. My heart flutters every time he enters the office in the morning. It hurts.

Am I being selfish?

I am one thousand percent certain there isn't another love interest behind the curtain.

You’re not being selfish, you’re being absolutely stupid. He’s getting no strings attached sex. Do you want to waste your life waiting for this man?

It's a world of pain waiting for you if you carry on seeing him. He barely introduced you to his mum did he, not as if he invited her around or you went out for dinner.

He's just stringing you along. Sorry OP I had this with an ex, thank god I eventually saw the light.

He is not that interested in you

which means work is gonna be hard

And why you should never shit on your doorstep in a nice Possible way

Kindly, you are being naive.

he doesn’t want to be with you, he’s agreeing to keep shagging you though on a no strings basis. How every generous 🙄 or perhaps he just wants his cake and to eat it.

Also, the timing is suspicious- right as he’s off on holiday? Presumably so he can have some guilt free holiday fun, then go back and tell you he won’t be your boyfriend but you can be his fuck buddy if you must.

I know it’s hard, heartbreaking even, but a man like this will never treat you right. And you don’t deserve years of being strung along because he’s had some childhood trauma. Move on, and if he really loves you he will come after you with a willingness to commit. If he does t you know he wasn’t for you. Shagging him isn’t going to get you the outcome you want.

If there's one life lesson I wish I had learned years (decades!) earlier it would be to pay attention to someone's actions rather than their words. Words require zero effort and are meaningless if not backed up by action.

“He’s still happy to have sex…”

What a fucking arsehole.

If he really is traumatised by his past and not in a good place mentally then I think you should move on. Maybe even change jobs. From.everything you have said about his behaviour it is far from certain that he will be in a better place mentally in the future . Relationships are difficult at the best of times . You really dont want to start out like this. He's just not reliable and will probably just dump you further down the line.

Why would he want to say no though? This (commitment-free sex) is working fine for him. There's no need for him to say no. You're the one who's getting hurt. You need to be the one to say no and put a stop to this.

Run for your life OP and don't send nudes to anyone but especially work colleagues

I refer to it as ‘the scraps’, something I’ve accepted, been grateful for, at times begged for too much in the past due to low self esteem
no more

FFS OP. No one is this naive surely?

I'm sorry it hurts though. That sucks.

He doesn't want to say no outright, because then you might stop having sex with him! It's all part of keeping you dangling. He probably enjoys the ego boost too.

I'd tell him very pleasantly that you can't agree to any degree of physical intimacy but would.like to continue as friends only (simply because you don't want to make things awkward while you are both working in the same place) and then I would totally discount any possibility of a proper relationship with him and get yourself back on the market. Be pleasant and friendly but start distancing yourself from him - if he can't be bothered neither can you.

You’re so smitten with him that you’re looking for reasons to justify his poor behaviour. He is telling you everything you need to know, you just don’t want to see it.

You're chasing after him so he's got nothing to lose! He's in a win win situation or having his cake and eating it as some might say. He's got all the benefits of a girlfriend who dotes on him without the commitment!
Take a step back, walk away and he'll either come running when he realises what hes let go or he'll continue to be not that bothered and you'll have saved yourself a whole load of heartache in the process.

Look up 'avoidant attachment style'. He may never change. Better to protect yourself and move on.

I’d leave him to his past trauma personally. Text him and say you’re right, I’m sorry I’ve not been understanding. your history of trauma just means you’re not able to have a relationship, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. Unfortunately a ‘non relationship’ doesn’t work for me, so this is the point where we wish each other well and go back to being professional colleagues. Take care of yourself.

I bet he liked having you on a hook and will splutter something that looks a bit more like commitment but is most definitely not back at you, and you need to stay strong and ignore ignore ignore.

Yeah.

Naive.

Of course he is happy to have you shag him and soothe his trauma for free. Do not let that man use you.

That's because he still wants to have sex with you when he's in the mood for it.

OP please cut this man loose (and set yourself free!). Many of us have been through this and would tell both our former, younger selves to take the short term pain for the long term gain. You deserve someone (healthily) obsessed with you, where it’s a clear cut, simple ‘let’s be together’, and that’s that.

It isn’t a fairytale existence to want this, it’s just commanding to be treated with the common courtesy and respect you’d show someone else. If he is the exception to the rule then he’ll sort his shit out and come for you - but don’t wait for him and don’t let him have access to your body as a halfway measure in the interim.

Every time you ask him outright it’s signalling he has a menu of options and so he can continue to be indecisive. Withdraw the menu - you are the full seven course, Michelin star meal complete with palate cleansers and a paired wine selection and if he isn’t in it for start to finish then he’s not the clientele you want in your restaurant. Sorry for the terrible comparison but the sentiment is CHAMPION YOUR WORTH. It might feel like heartbreak to stand your ground but go no contact, get him out of your system and know you deserve the best!

I'm sorry but you're not the one for him. You are a placeholder. Tell him it's over and block him.

He's just using you. He is full of it. Please gather your self respect and curb this Yo Yo

Not selfish. He is a git.

You sent nudes to someone you also work with ?? Why would you do something that stupid? Sending nudes is crazy anyway but to someone who is also a colleague… 🙈🙈

You know you risk all your other colleagues finding out and even seeing them?