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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being selfish about him not being ready?

103 replies

daftsod92 · Yesterday 19:29

Maybe it's a bit cliche but hey ho.

New job, met a bloke, fell in love.

We kissed on a works do (out of the blue really, we both just went for it) and since then we got closer, agreed we both enjoyed it, met up more often and got to know each other very intimately. This was about half a year after I got the job, so we weren't total strangers, just work acquaintances until the kiss.

He confided in some very dark events in his childhood which he has struggled with since, and is in therapy and medicated for. He knows I champion mental health and support him fully.

Started sending nudes to each other, then sleeping together. He'd pat my arse from time to time, we'd snuggle and kiss. We said we loved each other.

Then, the day before he goes on holiday for a week, he says he needs to take a step back and he doesn't see things working. I react as well as you'd imagine, then he's gone for a week. He comes back and says he regrets what he said and "part of him" wants to try again, but because of his past he doesn't want a proper relationship (yet). And the same day he came back and I was dreading what was going to happen, he showed me a pic of him in sexy wear on the phone. It sent a very confusing message.

Anyway three months later I sat him down and said "If it's a definite no, tell me right now" He hesitated and said it was not a definite no, and he "can't deny his feelings for me" but that his past trauma is blocking him from making a proper decision.

I am completely in love with him. To a hopeless degree. I would do anything for him. He seems oblivious to how much I feel for him. My heart flutters every time he enters the office in the morning. It hurts.

Am I being selfish?

I am one thousand percent certain there isn't another love interest behind the curtain.

OP posts:
Anarchy99 · Yesterday 22:12

Foodwench66 · Yesterday 22:03

I'm sorry but you're not the one for him. You are a placeholder. Tell him it's over and block him.

Don’t they work together?

Icecreamisthebest · Yesterday 22:22

A decent man who actually wanted to have a meaningful relationship would be focused on getting past the trauma so he could have an emotional connection. He would be in therapy and would be single while he did the work.

A user who just wants no strings sex will be fucking whoever he can find who believes his lies. Often, it's sometime who is much younger than him.

This guy will mess with your head as long as you let him. It will impact your future relationships in a really negative way. Please stop doing this to yourself.

Mrspatmoresapprentice · Yesterday 22:22

daftsod92 · Yesterday 19:36

He says he's still happy to have sex and be physically close but he can't get past the hurdle of emotional commitment. Usually I'd say that's typical but because of his background, I can believe it's deeper than that and he genuinely wants to try. Or maybe I'm just naive.

He is literally telling you he wants sex and nothing more. You are trying to make it into a “psychological” issue. It isn’t.
The issue here op, isn’t him. It’s you and why you feel it necessary to flog this particular dead horse? He has TOLD you what he wants, you are choosing to not believe him. Ask yourself why.
And, I am not judging. Been there, have the messy, painful, awful t shirt.

PullTheBricksDown · Yesterday 22:26

99bottlesofkombucha · Yesterday 21:32

I’d leave him to his past trauma personally. Text him and say you’re right, I’m sorry I’ve not been understanding. your history of trauma just means you’re not able to have a relationship, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. Unfortunately a ‘non relationship’ doesn’t work for me, so this is the point where we wish each other well and go back to being professional colleagues. Take care of yourself.

I bet he liked having you on a hook and will splutter something that looks a bit more like commitment but is most definitely not back at you, and you need to stay strong and ignore ignore ignore.

Yes this. Or as a shorter version 'realised you're right, let's just be friends and keep the sex and everything else out of it. Take care!'

hettie · Yesterday 22:26

daftsod92 · Yesterday 19:36

He says he's still happy to have sex and be physically close but he can't get past the hurdle of emotional commitment. Usually I'd say that's typical but because of his background, I can believe it's deeper than that and he genuinely wants to try. Or maybe I'm just naive.

It doesn't matter if he can't do emotional commitment due to him being a misogynistic dick or whether it's because of his stated traumatic background....HE CAN'T DO EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
He's told you who he is.
Do you want sex and no emotional intimacy with someone your in love with whose not fully in live with you?
If so crack on, if not walk. You can't fix him.

Hankunamatata · Yesterday 22:26

DiscourteousDiana · Yesterday 20:03

It’s interesting that his trauma doesn’t interrupt his sex life, or ability to continuously send nudes. But it’s been a useful tool for him to pull out and use whenever he wants a handy excuse for something.

You cant solve his trauma - if he hasnt resolved it now he likely never will. He isnt a project. He cant commit for whatever reason.

Time to move on op and find someone who can commit and not use you for sex.

Hankunamatata · Yesterday 22:27

Oops sorry didnt mean to quote @DiscourteousDiana

whippersnapper55 · Yesterday 22:36

Honestly my love, life is too short for time wasters like him. He's not being fair to you and that's nothing to do with his trauma. Find yourself a nice uncomplicated man who just wants to be with you and not mess you about.

CypressGrove · Yesterday 22:37

PullTheBricksDown · Yesterday 22:26

Yes this. Or as a shorter version 'realised you're right, let's just be friends and keep the sex and everything else out of it. Take care!'

I worry with this kind of man, that when she'd takes sex off the table he'll ramp up the well actually I'd like to try a relationship with you (of course I'll be shit at it due to my past trauma boo hoo), and then just keep stringing her along.

everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 22:39

Not being ready for what?

You just aren’t on the same page, he hasn’t done anything wrong. If anything you’ve jumped the gun declaring this a totally in love situation.

sorry op.

Twisting · Yesterday 22:44

Advice from the other side: his trauma will used to excuse every bit of shitty behaviour ever. The sex will fizzle out rather quicker than you'd thought. You'll live on a roller coaster.

You will grow up. You will leave him. You will have violent bursts of eye rolling every time a man wangs on about his convenient trauma.

You will end up with a stable man. You will be his trauma. 😁

Silverbirchleaf · Yesterday 22:47

He's got a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangements with you, and you gave a crush on him. For him, it’s lust, not love.

A previous poster has made a good point that if counselling and medication hasn’t helped him get over his past trauma by now then it’s unlikely the situation is going to change (presuming he’s been seeking help for at least ten years, if he’s ten years older than you).

What’s the ‘proper decision’ he can’t make? If he wanted to be with you, he’d know.

i used to work with someone or was ‘waiting’ for a lad to decide that he was ‘ready’ to go out with her. Three years later, she was still waiting. Cut your losses and move on.

Joeylove88 · Yesterday 23:32

You are straight up being used and you need to just accept it as it is and tell him your done to save yourself further heartache. He's taking advantage of your very blatant feelings for him because he knows you will hang on to any shred of hope. I have been there trust me its better to just walk away, let yourself feel like shit over him for a bit go have some fun and do not believe his shit anymore!!

Peachy2005 · Yesterday 23:32

Your AIBU setup is badly done by the way.

The majority are voting that you are BU for wasting your time on him, NOT that you are BU for trying to get him to commit when he’s “not ready”. I would be fairly confident that if you had stated it better, you would have 99% telling you are wasting your time.

ColinOfficeTrolley · Yesterday 23:36

Women are not hospitals for broken men. Rinse and repeat.

Greenmouldycheese · Yesterday 23:39

Im sorry but it doesnt sound like hes into you. I hope for your own sake that you can leave this man go. You deserve better than this.

CucumbersForMyCat · Yesterday 23:42

Run away from this man, OP. He will destroy you. Even if his mental health problems are the reason for him using you, he's still using you. Repeat this to yourself a thousand times until you start to understand it: you can't fix him!

Illegally18 · Yesterday 23:51

Chilly80 · Yesterday 20:50

Run for your life OP and don't send nudes to anyone but especially work colleagues

Yes, yes and YES. Sending nudes to a work colleague FFS!

CucumbersForMyCat · Yesterday 23:53

And don't be telling yourself that we've misunderstood - "he's not like that, he's different, he's so articulate/gentle/good looking/caring/insert whatever you like about him". Everyone has good qualities. Even Hitler would have had some good qualities, but it didn't make him a nice man.

He's not different, he's not a project, you can't change him. You 'relationship' will forever be about him and what he needs and your personality will slowly disappear as you put him first and he also puts himself first.

FrustratedApples · Yesterday 23:59

Run.

Brokentoes85 · Today 00:07

Did you get AI to write this

He very obviously dumped you before the holiday so he could do whatever he wanted and then immediately wanted to give it another go. Oldest trick in the book.

Boreded · Today 00:10

Convenient he wasn’t sure right before a week away 🙄 whatever he has to do to tell himself it isn’t cheating right

he doesn’t respect you, move on

user1492757084 · Today 00:16

Find another job.

BrokenWingsCantFly · Today 00:22

Your not being selfish. Your being the total opposite and actually hurting yourself on someone who is telling you and showing you over and over that they do not want a serious relationship with you.

He didnt take the easy opt out when you cornered him, why would he? He doesn't want out of the sex on tap, flirts and nudes when he got nothing else going on. You attempted the strong approach, be with me or I will walk away. He basically said no thanks I want things to stay as they are. And his want come true and your threat was empty. He knows he holds all the cards.

The introduction to the mother through a car window means nothing. You are clutching at straws and trying to twist the narrative into a sign of a happy future. He didn't introduce you as his partner or woman he is dating did he? It wasn't a sign of something serious by getting his mother involved in getting to know you. It was a quick hello. I was at my car outside work a few months back about to leave. A staff member who had only been with us a couple of months and had handed her notice in was getting picked up by her husband. He pulled up she said oo there he is come say hi. We did, briefly talked about our cars for 1 minute. None of us would see eachother ever again. Your introduction to the mother doesn't sound much different im sorry.

Follow through with what you said the other day. It's not a yes, there is no other correct answer so walk away. If you carry on down this path he isn't going to suddenly respect you, he's not committed to you so he will be seeing others. You risk having your heart broken when 1 of these others turn out to be the 1 he is ready to be serious with now. It will be less painful to walk away now with your head held high

fivepastmidnight · Today 00:23

daftsod92 · Yesterday 19:36

He says he's still happy to have sex and be physically close but he can't get past the hurdle of emotional commitment. Usually I'd say that's typical but because of his background, I can believe it's deeper than that and he genuinely wants to try. Or maybe I'm just naive.

He's happy to still have sex and be physically close Oh how noble of him That's so kind and considerate. He's unable to get past the hurdle of emotional commitment but he's still prepared to shag you. What a gent. Call me cynical are but his alleged trauma and mental health issues Very nice convenient excuse for being just a shagger.