Am I making a big mistake?

[Rainbowstar1432]

I have two school aged children, seven and four and a husband.

I got made redundant on maternity leave with the second and I couldn’t find a job straight away so I started freelancing. I found that I could make a lot of money and have a lot of flexibility. My only concern was whether it was furthering my long-term career and would it ultimately damage my CV.

A job was advertised after I had been freelancing for almost 3 years that was my dream job in many ways. The downside was it was full-time with fixed office days. I discussed it with my husband and we decided that as it was only a 12 month fixed term contract it would be a good way to test out going back to full-time. Long story short, I got the job and I’ve now been doing it for nine months.

The wider context is that my husband works shifts. The hours of these mean that there are weeks where he is completely out of the picture on parenting. I would say my parent on my own at least 50% of the time. The shifts make getting childcare difficult because there’s no fixed days so I rely on full wraparound at school which gives me a day of 7.45am to 6pm.

I have been shocked at how difficult this has made our weeks. I struggled to get back from central London for the 6 pm pick up constantly, have no time to do homework, music practice or even really feed the kids before I need to get them sorted to bed. I then have to pick up work in the evening because I’ve left early and sort all household jobs at the same time.

Then by the time my husband is back in the picture on some off days I’m completely exhausted but I have to spend the whole time working to make up for the time I’m missing for the weeks when he’s not here. I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail.

My boss has just asked me if I would like to extend my contract when it expires and do another 6 to 12 months. I have said no to put my family first, but I am doubting myself and worrying about whether I’ve made a huge mistake.

My question is, am I just a snowflake/disorganised/an idiot for finding this hard? Should I just suck it up and get on with it for another year so it looks good on my CV? It is a senior role with a top tech company. Or should I go back to consulting, earn more money and start enjoying family life again?

YABU - stick with the job for the future prospects

YABNU - chuck it in, life is too short to be miserable

Only you know whether you can take another, however long of this routine. I cannot say that it is something that I would continue doing, though.

You gave it a go, it doesn't work for you.

You've got your answer.

You sound like a single parent. Why is your husband’s work so incompatible with having a family that he doesn’t seem to be part of the family team?
If you can document your freelance work is that going to be enough for future employers to refer to? You obviously know what you’re doing. I would go back to freelance before I burned out completely. But I’m out of the workforce so I don’t know what I’m talking about in that department.

I can't actually see why you would continue the contract. It sounds worse at every turn.

Personally I would jack it in and go for more money + better work life balance.

Do you know for sure freelancing will affect your future prospects? I work in consulting (not personally a consultant) and we work with a huge amount of very senior, experienced freelance consultants.

One other thought, could you negotiate working from home permanently? They clearly value you as they've asked you to stay on, if they know that's the deal breaker could it work?

And finally, you are not a snowflake/disorganised/stupid - it's incredibly hard juggling work, commuting, childcare, even without a shift worker in the mix.

Have you looked at anything you or your husband could change to make it easier? Would working part time be an option? Is your husband working away or is it just awkwardly timed shifts? Asking for fixed shifts is actually a pretty common request, and even traditionally inflexible places like the NHS and police will grant it so long as he still does his share of unpopular shifts (though may need some thought if everyone wants it). Do you do both drop off and pick up and do you have to? When DH and I both worked in Central London he dropped off so I could start at 8am, and therefore finish at 4. He then did the opposite, starting late and working a bit later (we chose this way as he had a lot of late meetings, but if choosing again would alternate days as having to leave on time is limiting)

Tell your husband that you’re done taking one for the team in career terms, and that he needs to switch to a more family friendly job, DH did it when we had DS.

I think at this stage work has to be seen also as an investment, particularly rwgarding pension which will attract compound interest.

Do you have to do everything? Can you sub-contract cleaning, ironing, oven cleaning? Can you find an arrangement with another working mum where once a week you take each other's children until 7.30? What does your dh do when he's off shift?

How much do you need the money.? Is there a compromise: four days? At that stage I worked locally (at about a £20k cost but it worked for us as a family)

It sounds like your husband is the one with the child unfriendly job. What is the difference in pay for the two of you? Could he change to be more present for his children and do his fair share of family life?

I would say you said no because the hours aren’t compatible with your family life and ask to look at hybrid working and a more flexible work shift.

They want to keep you or they wouldn’t have asked. If you have a set up in mind that’ll work then pitch that to them (if you’d rather stay).

If not freelance again.

This isn’t the OP’s problem, though. It’s her DH’s unpredictable shifts causing the issue. His to solve.

It all depends on your financial situation IMO. If you have zero pension, no proper emergency fund and this job is the stepping stone you need for financial stability then I think I'd grit my teeth (whilst looking at DH's career and how he needs to take on more.

If you have your pension ticking over, have a fund for rainy days and aren't living hand to mouth then I'd go back to freelancing. Reducing stress and day-to-day chaos is important to me, especially when the family are young and you are pulled a million directions.

What would your hours be if your husband changed his job to enable him to do pick ups? You said you leave early to pick them up for 6pm so I presume you work late, that all sounds exhausting with 2 young children

To be honest I don’t need all of the money I’m earning in this employed job. I’m saving up a lot every month. Given I can earn more freelancing, I don’t have any financial worries. Pension is healthy and Mortgage is small. Our youngest child has just started school so our childcare bill has dropped through the floor as well.

Husband works for an airline so it’s not quite like the NHS or other public services that I understand are more open to flexibility.

He has already changed his working pattern to get a fixed shift pattern and had to take a pay cut do that. There’s not much else he can do. He is a very engaged parent when he’s here but the nature of the shifts mean that when he’s working he's not here. Sometimes because he has to travel but most often because the shifts mean that he’s either at work or asleep at the drop-off and pick up times.

I have to get back from Central London to pick them up so I need to leave my desk at 5 pm to ensure I can make it back in time. Last week the CFO came to talk to me and made me late. I had to get an Uber to get back in time, I made it but it was very touch and go.

I would honestly say maybe go back to freelancing so you can be more flexible, i also wouldn't love working that far from the school

My work is very flexible and im close to the school so if theres an emergency or my son falls unwell i can get him fast, he is at primary so there are lots of things to attend especially around holidays so im free to pop along to anything they have on

I also love that we have a little extra time in the evenings now i can pick him up at 4pm because i felt like 5pm (6pm when he was at nursery) it was get in the door, throw food at him, in the bath then bed so we get a more relaxed evening now where we arent rushed and i have more time for all the housework. He was also alot grumpier when i picked him up later because he was exhausted so he is a lot happier now too

Its also better now because we csn do extra clubs now that benefit him like cubs and swimming which we couldnt fit in on longer days at school

I live in zone two and the transport options are pretty good, but you still need an hour door to door just in case. There’s no office I could work in closer to the school.

Fuck that.

The hours don't work, the running about sounds horrific and you get more money freelancing. It honestly seems like a no brainer from the outside.

Make sure you depart on good terms & leave your business card with the company. They might have trouble recruiting immediatley 👀

Have you thought about employing an after school nanny type person?

I did this very successfully for a few years when my children were younger, it removed all of the stress of getting home on time. Actually I was rarely delayed but it was worth it for peace of mind

A nanny seems the most obvious solution. Someone who can supervise music practice and homework, wipe the counters and maybe cook dinner.
Apart from that if you are senior enough/in demand can you change the days you are required to attend the office/work from home more (obviously you'd still need after school care or a nanny) but it would save on travel time.

I think this would cut down a lot of the stress.

Agreed, this seems the most sensible thing to consider in your situation. I actually left my job after baby number two as I couldn’t do the whole drop off at school and nursery before work and the same again in reverse every day without being late. I ended up having time out of work and tax credits topped up our income. I managed to find a wfh job which fits in well with the school run!

They obviously like you, could you flex hours or do slightly reduced hours temporarily while you line up freelance work?

How badly to do they want you to stay?

Can you negotiate WFH or a 4pm hard stop etc?

If you can't negotiate it to terms that work for you, give it up.

If you really like the job, and they clearly like you as asking you to stay, is there a conversation to be had about flexibility there? Slightly shorter days, more wfh etc?