Am I making a big mistake?

[Rainbowstar1432]

I have two school aged children, seven and four and a husband.

I got made redundant on maternity leave with the second and I couldn’t find a job straight away so I started freelancing. I found that I could make a lot of money and have a lot of flexibility. My only concern was whether it was furthering my long-term career and would it ultimately damage my CV.

A job was advertised after I had been freelancing for almost 3 years that was my dream job in many ways. The downside was it was full-time with fixed office days. I discussed it with my husband and we decided that as it was only a 12 month fixed term contract it would be a good way to test out going back to full-time. Long story short, I got the job and I’ve now been doing it for nine months.

The wider context is that my husband works shifts. The hours of these mean that there are weeks where he is completely out of the picture on parenting. I would say my parent on my own at least 50% of the time. The shifts make getting childcare difficult because there’s no fixed days so I rely on full wraparound at school which gives me a day of 7.45am to 6pm.

I have been shocked at how difficult this has made our weeks. I struggled to get back from central London for the 6 pm pick up constantly, have no time to do homework, music practice or even really feed the kids before I need to get them sorted to bed. I then have to pick up work in the evening because I’ve left early and sort all household jobs at the same time.

Then by the time my husband is back in the picture on some off days I’m completely exhausted but I have to spend the whole time working to make up for the time I’m missing for the weeks when he’s not here. I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail.

My boss has just asked me if I would like to extend my contract when it expires and do another 6 to 12 months. I have said no to put my family first, but I am doubting myself and worrying about whether I’ve made a huge mistake.

My question is, am I just a snowflake/disorganised/an idiot for finding this hard? Should I just suck it up and get on with it for another year so it looks good on my CV? It is a senior role with a top tech company. Or should I go back to consulting, earn more money and start enjoying family life again?

YABU - stick with the job for the future prospects

YABNU - chuck it in, life is too short to be miserable

It wouldn't be the right choice for me. The possibility of grandchildren at some distant future point would in no way have made up for not fully pursuing my career. Children don't need to be focused on 24/7 by their parents.

If you go back to freelancing will he be able to make the move to training? I’m assuming this will take him off shifts and give a more 9-5 work pattern

But, to be fair, we weren't talking about you were we? We were talking about the OP who wants to spend more time with her children and have a less hectic life.

That’s not what the OP says.

So are people outside of London 😏 It's not an unusual commute at all.

im struggling to understand how more money, more flexibility being freelance is a bad thing?

you’ve tried the contract, it’s not working out. Your then now going to earn more money and feel less stressed.

As long as the freelance market is still bouyant in your field, have self belief, discuss it with your current employer and if still no flex, then take the higher paid more flexible route and enjoy a bit more time with your kids whilst they are little. You can explain your CV and you would still be accruing experience. Staying with an inflexible company does not sound not worth breaking your health, heart and sanity over.

• can't edit, ignore 2nd 'not'!

Sorry, I wasn’t saying it was unique to London. It’s just a lot of people on this thread have been mentioning that it’s too far away from their school when it’s about as close as I could get given the nature of travelling across London.

I’m not sure whether that’s what I’ve categorically said, but it is what I think. I do enjoy working but as more and more people have recommended on this thread that I find some kind of nanny to be in my house and look after my children for me I realise how badly I do not want that under any circumstances. I don’t want a stranger in my house look after my children and I don’t want to miss them growing up. At the moment I feel like I am. This summer holidays was awful and I felt really re simple thing at my desk and sticking them in endless holiday clubs. Also, it was really stressful because the holiday clubs near here seem to be shorter than the wraparound school day for getting to London and back in time was impossible. I ended up with this patchwork mess of complex collection arrangements involving calling in various favours from mums I know in the area.

He’s a pilot. Pilots do not have a 9-5 work pattern. At least read the OP’s comments before making inane comments.

As I mentioned up thread I’m in the same situation as you (pilot husband, I’m a City professional, 3 young kids and no support).

One of my friends is a US lawyer; she has a lawyer husband and a nanny for her two kids. She said that she’s the third person her kids go to when they’re upset - nanny first, husband then her. Personally I couldn’t deal with that. You have some choices to make and if your job won’t allow you to flex then that’s hard. Would they allow you to have shorter days in the office to meet the quota?

No. Still shifts and more likely to not be a fixed pattern. He’d also probably spend quite a bit of time out of base travelling around the country. It’s a promotion but not a family friendly one. There is essentially no family friendly version of being an airline pilot.

Sounds exhausting. I would go back to free lance. You don't want a nanny & it sounds like you enjoyed the flexibility more with your kids. They are only young once. And teenagers still need parents around for advice/chats/company. I have 12/15/17 year olds (one is neurodivergent) & feels like they need me emotionally more than ever

I have 3 school aged children, 10, 6 and 1. I also work in tech, thankfully remotely with two days a month in London. Those two days my husband makes sure he is WFH or taken time off so he is available to do everything for the kids, rest of the days we split everything between us as we both have flexibility.

I recently saw a role I loved and would give me progression into exec level but because it’s office based, though closer than London, I know my family life would become difficult. I decided to stick with the remote role for now until youngest is a little older. I did feel sad but I know my children would rather have me at home when they arrive from school rather than wait for me to turn up after 5pm.

Even with my FT remote role some days I am chasing my tail but I know without the flexibility I have now it would be a lot worse.

i would say prioritise your family, your children should not be in wrap around care every day, such a long day for them and you have the option to make money freelancing so best of both words. Maybe you can expand the areas you freelance/contract in to make sure your career can continue to grow when you have more time in the future.

OP I absolutely think you should pack the job in and go back to freelancing. I will say that unlike a lot of MN, I don’t have a high flying type career so I can’t really relate to that bit, but I have always worked and enjoyed working. And of course sometimes that means I can’t do things with/for the kids and I miss out on things. That’s just life. But I will and have always worked around the kids as much as humanly possible. They need me; I’m the cornerstone of their lives and these are their formative years - the things they experience now will inform their entire lives and influence how they see things, how they cope etc etc forever. Everyone’s different - some people prioritise working more and giving their kids more opportunities or a bigger house, but for me I want them to look back and say ‘yeah, mum worked hard but she was always there for the important things, she showed up for the things that mattered to us and she wasn’t always too busy or too tired for us to go to her when we needed her’.
You describe this job as your ‘dream job in many ways’ and I’ve no doubt that’s true - but the thing is, you’re not a single person with no responsibilities and nothing to do but chase the dream. You have people that love you and need you, and who won’t be little forever. I know it’s a cliche but these years will be short. And what you do now could be very formative for your little one - it sounds like she’s struggling and could really do with you being around. And given all that - it’s not really the dream job, is it, seeing as it’s not actually making your life better or easier. I’d definitely switch back if I were you. It sounds like you’re very good at what you do so you can always go back to PAYE down the line (by about 11/12 they should be independent enough to give you options - that’s old enough to let themselves in, make a snack and wait for you IMO!). But there’s no point making yourself miserable in this job when you have absolutely no real reason or need to be there anyway! Switch back, spend some time with your kids, chill, regain some balance in your life, and be happy.

Go back to freelance. Make your life easier not harder. When your children are teenagers you can explore your options more.

OP, I’m in the EXACT same position as you, right down to the 12-month contract and long commute, except I have 3 young DC, one school-age and two in nursery.

I just told my boss that I won’t be extending my contract.

I also felt guilty about it and worried that I was making the wrong move, but I am literally counting down the days when I can say ‘no’ to work, do school pick up, decide which students I want to take etc. I’m realising more and more that life is more than money and getting ahead, and that the years are slipping out of my fingers so quickly. I want to make the most of my children, and have time to exercise, go for a walk before work, enjoy some downtime in the evenings etc.

Oh my god 100% this!

Sad as it sounds I just want the freedom to spend a couple of hours on a Tuesday afternoon sorting my house out or going to the gym!

Could your child be acting up because they just want you around more? Sounds like an enormous amount of outsourcing for small children and late wrap-around care. A stable nanny might actually be a good thing for them?

I don't know why you wouldn't just be freelance tbh.

But the childcare thing is solvable - many working parents need to sort out childcare while they commute/work from the office. I've had various solutions over the years (my children are older now) - I've had a nanny, various au pairs (live in and live out) and a childminder that picks up from school. The answer is that you pay for this for your working from the office days - Tues-Thursday. And yes it will mean that your husband is there some days.

I think you are sacrificing being present for your kids, for a career that might still be there anyway when you stop freelancing.

Nothing is as important as being around for your children at such a young age, you'll not get these years back.

Absolute no brainer for me.

oh dear, are you ok?

That is tough.

I made choices earlier in my career based on quality of life as well as work, I was able to work around my children a lot, and had a half decent career that got better when they were older. I am glad that I did it.

There is no right or wrong way to be a working mum, there is just the way that works for you. If going freelance gives you a career you are happy with then go for it, that freedom is worth so much.