Am I making a big mistake?

[Rainbowstar1432]

I have two school aged children, seven and four and a husband.

I got made redundant on maternity leave with the second and I couldn’t find a job straight away so I started freelancing. I found that I could make a lot of money and have a lot of flexibility. My only concern was whether it was furthering my long-term career and would it ultimately damage my CV.

A job was advertised after I had been freelancing for almost 3 years that was my dream job in many ways. The downside was it was full-time with fixed office days. I discussed it with my husband and we decided that as it was only a 12 month fixed term contract it would be a good way to test out going back to full-time. Long story short, I got the job and I’ve now been doing it for nine months.

The wider context is that my husband works shifts. The hours of these mean that there are weeks where he is completely out of the picture on parenting. I would say my parent on my own at least 50% of the time. The shifts make getting childcare difficult because there’s no fixed days so I rely on full wraparound at school which gives me a day of 7.45am to 6pm.

I have been shocked at how difficult this has made our weeks. I struggled to get back from central London for the 6 pm pick up constantly, have no time to do homework, music practice or even really feed the kids before I need to get them sorted to bed. I then have to pick up work in the evening because I’ve left early and sort all household jobs at the same time.

Then by the time my husband is back in the picture on some off days I’m completely exhausted but I have to spend the whole time working to make up for the time I’m missing for the weeks when he’s not here. I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail.

My boss has just asked me if I would like to extend my contract when it expires and do another 6 to 12 months. I have said no to put my family first, but I am doubting myself and worrying about whether I’ve made a huge mistake.

My question is, am I just a snowflake/disorganised/an idiot for finding this hard? Should I just suck it up and get on with it for another year so it looks good on my CV? It is a senior role with a top tech company. Or should I go back to consulting, earn more money and start enjoying family life again?

YABU - stick with the job for the future prospects

YABNU - chuck it in, life is too short to be miserable

Believe it or not some people work shifts or work away. Do you think only those in an office working Monday to Friday 9-5 should have children? Maybe everyone that has children should only work office hours. No more supermarkets open after 5, no emergency services, no prison officers and if you have had a heart attack or your child falls and breaks a leg after 5 tough wait until the morning.

You’re like me - my husband is also airline and away 3/4 days every week while I work full time in the City. We have three kids (4-7) and no support.

is there scope to WFH?

So he switches to training pilots or whatever? I can think of someone I know who has done that because his pilot's life was incompatible with pulling his weight in terms of childcare.

Seconding a nanny or an au pair. If she can work 1-6.30 or 1-7 you can order your shopping, have some batch cooking done and get the kids fed at a good time.

I was a nanny and my employer was very firm that the peace of mind was worth every penny.

If you're enjoying the job and they want you to stay on, I'd see if you could negotiate either home working some days or a 4 day week as otherwise it's not worth it. You have nothing to lose asking.

Why is it up to you to compromise? Does your husband earn mega bucks that he can't get regular hours?

You are not a snowflake, that sounds very hard.
It is clearly not working. Sounds like there's no harm in asking if they can change it to something that would actually work for you, and if not, go back to freelance until the DC can walk themselves back from school (and make you dinner!) or you have more flexibility in other ways.

The juggling you’re experiencing sounds normal for a working parent with children in primary school. If you can make your work life balance better by going back to your freelance role, go for it. It won’t make any difference on your CV.

Before you do give it up, they clearly think you’re great at your job. If you enjoy it, can you ask for reduced hours to make it work better for you? So you leave at 4 everyday?

I’ve looked into the nanny option many times. It’s very difficult to get somebody who just wants after school hours. Most seem to want whole days with a preschool child to make it worth their while. Then even overcoming that hurdle everybody wants committed days of the week, which I can’t give them because my husband is always off on different days.

Not sure quite what you do, but would it be possible to negotiate working from home on some days?

Otherwise, maybe consider a nanny to cover childcare and some household jobs until you can get home.

My personal experience, which was some years ago now, tells me that it is better to keep the possibilities of working open, which didn't happen for me due to the cost of childcare for three children more than wiping out my earnings. So that colours my thinking I suppose.

Maybe your freelancing allows for it though? How reliable is that stream of income? Can you cover everything you need to from it including your pension?

OK, then would working from home with just occasional office visits work? Is that negotiable?

You could go into the office on days when your DH is at home, even if that can vary from one week to the next??

I think you’ve answered your own question here. It makes more sense to continue freelancing instead

You can’t just switch to “training pilots or whatever”! You need to be a Captain for a start, and have a minimum number of flying hours as a Captain. From there, there’s a load of new qualifications and training to do as, crucially, it’s a completely different job. Plus at the end the training Capt job has to be available at the airport you’ve committed your life to, otherwise you’re in for a load of upheaval. It’s not always possible to change airlines and go in as a direct entry Captain either.

plus training Captains do a lot of flying as they need to, er, train pilots. So they’re away a lot too.

OP, it always makes me sad when parents make decisions based on missing out on some future job opportunity/pension whilst sacrificing their current happiness with small children. I took the opposite approach and will always be grateful, even if I won't be retiring super early or being super rich anytime soon.

It sounds wistful but children are young for such a short season. My youngest is 14 and I am already realising how swiftly I am being gently stood down from the coal face of parenting, which is marvellous as she's independent and wonderful but in four short years she'll be an adult and my day to day role will be done. I'm not required hugely now, in all honesty. Do your freelance thing, enjoy your life and your children's childhood as much as you can. If you feel the need for career world domination when they're in their teens or have flown the nest, there will still be plenty of pensionable working years to be out of the house during all daylight hours. Who knows what's around the corner? Enjoy now as much as you can. I think this idea of 'missing out' is pedalled by people who are scared and jealous, and I'm not sure how real it is. There are many different ways to prosper in a career, not just one.

If this boss was disappointed at your response, offer them very part time hours with less in office presence for six months. They can only say no.

You sound incredibly fortunate to have an option to work freelance and I think unless you have lived at the mercy of a partner's shift pattern, you can't imagine how tricky it is to make childcare work when there is no established routine. It makes a huge difference to the day to day running of a home. Hope it works out.

totally agree. It is an investment. Especially in the industry you are in.
I'd do everything I could to keep that job..

It sounds like you are in a very good position with your current employer. And turning up to work means that unlike freelance you are not searching around for the next job or doing all that self employed admin. There's also sick pay and pension contributions to consider... or even maternity leave if you want more children?

Because of that I would say could you negotiate with your employer and ask for a hybrid working? Say two days in office, three at home ( and then get all the extra household work subcontracted) - they are so much more geared up for this now .
They want you to continue.. so think of ways that might happen. You would still be providing the work. Just in a way that would be easier for you.

In your circumstances.. the long train journeys are madness.. and I remember sitting on a blooming train and then going over that 6.00 pm deadline sooooo welll...

Don't forget your employers would have to spend money recruiting and settling in a new person. Maybe you could "freelance" for them and just go in once a fortnight.

I think you'd have a good chance of getting them to consider it if you made a proper proposal. So don't give it up so easily.

Maybe your Dh could make a few more concessions, especially during the school holidays.

How many more years of primary school do you have left. ? Things do get so much easier as they go through the primary school years.
Wishing you well with your decision.

When you’re mired in the hectic world of juggling small children and work, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that you have the rest of your career and life to manage once the children are independent. You need to look long term.

A senior role in a tech firm could open a lot of doors for you in the long term. If your boss is keen for you to stay , rather than having to rehire and train someone else, they may be happy for you to work from home more.

If your husband has days with no work and no childcare, he should be picking up household tasks then.

I’m in your position, two kids, one in primary, one in secondary, zero help from family and a husband who is physically out of the house from 6am to 7pm, including Saturdays. I work in the city and I live in zone 5. You learn to manage and quite frankly it’s perfectly doable without being so exhausting. It’s worse when the kids are younger of course. If I were you I’d negotiate flexibility with your manager. My experience has been that what you are trying to do both at home and at work doesn’t work unless there is flexibility from your employer. I do hybrid working, 2 days in the office, the rest from home. I leave the office at 4pm on the dot to be able to pick up my kids. I don’t go in the office during school holidays. Every manager I have ever worked for has been happy to support this and you soon learn to manage your day easily. I do school meetings, dentist appointments, haircuts, play dates…all doable once you are established in your role and people are happy with your delivery.

And if I may give you some advice, work your way up now when your kids are younger so that you are in a good and high enough position to demand the flexibility and time when it really counts - and that’s secondary school. That’s when you really need to make sure you are there for your teens and that you are fully aware of what’s going on, who their friends are, where and who they hang out with and where they are in terms of their education. And that level of flexibility comes with seniority. I think the biggest question for you is if you like this job or not. Personally I would continue as you could always go back to freelance.

I would tell them I would renew the contract only if I can wfh with occasional days in the office for training etc

My kids are younger, both primary. The little one has only just started. I am already at the top of my profession in a senior role. Almost everywhere else I have worked has been flexible so I could set up my week accordingly and be in the office on days that were easier for the most part.

This company has found it very difficult to get people back to the office and to get some of the younger employees to arrive on time and fulfil the basic terms of their contract. This means we have a very strict edict on being in the office Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays with no exceptions. As the senior team we are expected to set the example in this regard. This is an enormous problem when you have a shift working husband!

I was going to ask if your DH is a pilot. Mine is and unpredictable/changeable rostering is a nightmare. We don’t have kids but the nature of his shifts would be a major area of concern for me - I can’t see how it wouldn’t make things insanely stressful for the other parent also trying to work.

On the face of it, I would argue feminism, independence, etc etc, keep your job. But realistically I can see why you might like to go back to freelance work.

Get an after school nanny who does 3-7pm. Nanny can collect kids, feed a snack, supervise homework, do the children’s laundry, prep dinner and generally make life much easier.