Am I making a big mistake?

[Rainbowstar1432]

I have two school aged children, seven and four and a husband.

I got made redundant on maternity leave with the second and I couldn’t find a job straight away so I started freelancing. I found that I could make a lot of money and have a lot of flexibility. My only concern was whether it was furthering my long-term career and would it ultimately damage my CV.

A job was advertised after I had been freelancing for almost 3 years that was my dream job in many ways. The downside was it was full-time with fixed office days. I discussed it with my husband and we decided that as it was only a 12 month fixed term contract it would be a good way to test out going back to full-time. Long story short, I got the job and I’ve now been doing it for nine months.

The wider context is that my husband works shifts. The hours of these mean that there are weeks where he is completely out of the picture on parenting. I would say my parent on my own at least 50% of the time. The shifts make getting childcare difficult because there’s no fixed days so I rely on full wraparound at school which gives me a day of 7.45am to 6pm.

I have been shocked at how difficult this has made our weeks. I struggled to get back from central London for the 6 pm pick up constantly, have no time to do homework, music practice or even really feed the kids before I need to get them sorted to bed. I then have to pick up work in the evening because I’ve left early and sort all household jobs at the same time.

Then by the time my husband is back in the picture on some off days I’m completely exhausted but I have to spend the whole time working to make up for the time I’m missing for the weeks when he’s not here. I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail.

My boss has just asked me if I would like to extend my contract when it expires and do another 6 to 12 months. I have said no to put my family first, but I am doubting myself and worrying about whether I’ve made a huge mistake.

My question is, am I just a snowflake/disorganised/an idiot for finding this hard? Should I just suck it up and get on with it for another year so it looks good on my CV? It is a senior role with a top tech company. Or should I go back to consulting, earn more money and start enjoying family life again?

YABU - stick with the job for the future prospects

YABNU - chuck it in, life is too short to be miserable

If your husband isn't able to pick up the slack at home and you are trying to do it all I'd return to the consultancy work, you will have done 12 months there. I'm no expert in your industry but surely working freelance doesn't "hurt" your CV? It isn't like you are sat at home doing nothing!

OR if the firm really like you and want you to stay is there a conversation to be had around some days WFH and greater flexibility? If you take out your commuting time which I imagine is considerable into London surely this could help if you really like the job and want to stay?

I wouldn’t choose to put my kids in 10 hours of care a day if I had an alternative.

And under absolutely no circumstances would I have taken a step back at work because I had children, when they had another parent who had made no such sacrifice.

Would some kind of flexible working be an option? If they want you to stay, and you're not bothered, you have some bargaining power. Leave half an hour earlier, wfh more, or something else that might work for you

I had an au pair when the children were small and I was retraining. You just need a room with a door! Bet lots would like to live where you.

Put your welfare and that of your children first.
Go back to free lancing. You are still working, still getting experience, still earning money and you will have a much better family life. If it was me I wouldn't hesitate.
If you want to go back into employment later there will still be time

I would always put my children first rather than get into a silly point scoring contest with my husband

It’s interesting, and deeply sad, that you would see both parents being expected to make equal career compromises for the sake of their children as ‘a silly point-scoring contest’.

I was thinking the same. Can you do shorter days? Or negotiate shorter days on the shift days?

His job means that he can't be any more flexible. He does childcare when his shifts allow.
She has another option, to work freelance , earn more money, have more flexibility. It makes sense for the whole family. She won't be sitting at home doing nothing! She will still be working in her chosen profession getting experience working for her self. He works for an airline and had no option but to work to his set shift patterns.
Some times it's easier for one parent to make compromises than the other if the roles were reversed and she was in his position I would say exactly the same .

I wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Freelancing was making you a lot of money and better for your children. So know I would not extend.

My view is that.both parents working full time...especially with shifts thrown in..will always be very stressful

People.who don't find it stressful are the mega wealthy with nannies etc

As kids get older they want home and family not after school clubs daily.

Something has to give that is the reality of having kids

I'm being slow.... What's the advantage of this job over freelancing??

Have you discussed the challenges with your manager? For example, I would love to extend, but to enable that I would need to leave by 4pm on X days a month.
To be honest I went freelance 2 years ago and I can't imagine going back. I have one client I who I can work for from their office once a week if I want to, but the flexibility and lack of commute make the biggest difference. This year I also took off all of August to spend the summer holidays with my kids and it was totally worth the loss of income.

Like you I found working freelance very rewarding, both financially and in terms of work-life balance. However, my career took a huge hit and never recovered. Looking back, I wish I had gone back to my corporate job much sooner.

Have you thought about getting an Aupair and stop using wrap-around care at school?

You seemed to have made a fantastic success of freelancing, it made your life easier, and I am not sure why it would damage your CV?

Thank you for all the suggestions. A mixed bag but feels like a majority leaning towards this not being a mistake!

The nanny/au pair options are unattractive. I feel like my kids are outsourced enough as it is, I don’t really want to hand over any more of parenting tbh. Also I do have a spare room but if I had anyone live in my mum wouldn’t be able to stay anymore.

My husband has taken a step back by not being long haul and not going for the training/promotion routes that would be a logical next step because it would mean being away more.

Hi OP, I only popped up here to say how dare you criticise yourself! You are doing two more actual jobs than I am at the moment. And you are obviously very good indeed at your job.
My only semi useful point is that it is really worthwhile to look into advanced planning for pensions. Actually any savings and investments are important. I only raise this as you said you had some surplus income currently. It is truly amazing how money grows if you sock it away into the right place and leave it for years.

You only get one chance to watch your children grow up. If you can afford to freelance and be there for them then that's the best of every world.

Freelance worked before, hopefully should work again. I freelanced for over 20 years and apart from learning how to do my tax returns, it was better in many ways.

Sounds like you want a balance back and to be honest, a tired, rushed stressed mum isn't great for children either! Sorry husband is away so much and you're left to do the bulk.

If they’re keen for you to stay, could you negotiate reduced hours? Even for 6 months while they seek a permanent placement. One hour less each day sounds like all you’d need to square the commute issue.

OP, I'm not sure what the downside is to freelancing? If the money is good, the flexibility is there why do you want a PAYE contract?

You've got nothing to lose from asking for some flexibility. Think what would work for you then ask for it. Eg small reduction in hours so you can finish earlier, shorter lunch breaks, fixed wfh.

If you're finding those long days exhausting, think how your children must feel. This seems to be rather absent from your equation. You have the option to go freelance, and you enjoyed life more then. Your husband doesn't have an alternative. It sounds as though both you and your kids are going to benefit if you stop this job, and you'll still have your lucrative and successful career

They want you to stay so you can set conditions, like reducing your hours. If they don't agree, you could either get/share a nanny or return to freelance.
Don't keep on running yourself ragged. Your physical and mental health are important.