Am I making a big mistake?

[Rainbowstar1432]

I have two school aged children, seven and four and a husband.

I got made redundant on maternity leave with the second and I couldn’t find a job straight away so I started freelancing. I found that I could make a lot of money and have a lot of flexibility. My only concern was whether it was furthering my long-term career and would it ultimately damage my CV.

A job was advertised after I had been freelancing for almost 3 years that was my dream job in many ways. The downside was it was full-time with fixed office days. I discussed it with my husband and we decided that as it was only a 12 month fixed term contract it would be a good way to test out going back to full-time. Long story short, I got the job and I’ve now been doing it for nine months.

The wider context is that my husband works shifts. The hours of these mean that there are weeks where he is completely out of the picture on parenting. I would say my parent on my own at least 50% of the time. The shifts make getting childcare difficult because there’s no fixed days so I rely on full wraparound at school which gives me a day of 7.45am to 6pm.

I have been shocked at how difficult this has made our weeks. I struggled to get back from central London for the 6 pm pick up constantly, have no time to do homework, music practice or even really feed the kids before I need to get them sorted to bed. I then have to pick up work in the evening because I’ve left early and sort all household jobs at the same time.

Then by the time my husband is back in the picture on some off days I’m completely exhausted but I have to spend the whole time working to make up for the time I’m missing for the weeks when he’s not here. I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail.

My boss has just asked me if I would like to extend my contract when it expires and do another 6 to 12 months. I have said no to put my family first, but I am doubting myself and worrying about whether I’ve made a huge mistake.

My question is, am I just a snowflake/disorganised/an idiot for finding this hard? Should I just suck it up and get on with it for another year so it looks good on my CV? It is a senior role with a top tech company. Or should I go back to consulting, earn more money and start enjoying family life again?

YABU - stick with the job for the future prospects

YABNU - chuck it in, life is too short to be miserable

Go back to freelance, it doesnt make sense to twist yourself in knots over a full time job for less pay.

First, i'd ask for WFH and whatever else might help you to stay at that job, and if they decline then you know.

Why though? When she can freelance and earn more money?

I think it’s the right call because you can’t be in 2 places at once. I have a husband who is almost never around in the evenings during the week, I do almost absolutely everything by myself. I have the rush to get to pick up then the evening routine of small DC (younger than yours) and it’s bloody tough. I wouldn’t change my DC for the world but I’d change the way things are set up if I could. Also, given you have the ability to freelance and earn plus this is only a 6-12 months extension of the contract, I wouldn’t feel too guilty.

Well yes when you put it like that it’s hard to argue against it! I’ve got this old fashioned notion that it will harm my cv

Who is to say that freelancing would be a step back? She did it successfully for three years.

I get your point. But I think decisions need to be made on balance for everyone in the family. This sort of routine isn’t working for anybody.

Does your CV matter if you're doing well with your freelance business? You can add that to your CV and you won't have a gap because you have been working, for yourself.

I feel finished. Took the week off for half term and booked a family holiday with my DH, DC and my mum. Spent the whole week worrying about everyone having a nice time, having my mum was like having a third child to worry about and the 4 year olds behaviour was absolutely hideous. She’s been difficult since she was 1 (having been an easy baby) and it’s been hard ever since but over the spring and summer she seemed to have turned at bit of a corner and we actually had a nice time in spells.
But since going to school she’s gone to pieces and I’ve been parenting alone such a lot I keep giving into her because I need to get her to school, not miss my train etc. This half term it went to the next level - she must’ve had several full blown tantrums a day and loads of minor ones if she didn’t get exactly her own way. I could tell my mum was appalled and embarrassed. I was so stressed I felt sick every morning.
I had hoped she was growing out of it but now it feels like it’s just going to go on forever. I’m beginning to think this is just who she is. I feel extra guilty because she ruined my older DC’s birthday by insisting on ‘helping’ open the presents and then trying to steal the gifts inside for helfself then having the most almighty meltdown when we took them off her.
Now I’ve got work tomorrow, can’t face looking at my inbox and feel way more depleted than when I started.
I can’t do this anymore. I feel like running away.

I think you've answered your own question
DD will probably calm down if you're around more, kids don't like change and act out as a result. Go back to freelancing and enjoy your children, they grow so fast. Also, if you're not racing to catch your train or whatever, you can put your foot down with her and instill discipline.

Yeah you’re right. It just feels so hard, like I’m giving up on a good opportunity and in 20 years time will look back and wish I prioritised my career more. I’m just so done, so tired and feel like I don’t care anymore.
but also, I just feel like my kids need me and I’m letting them down by not being around.

You are carrying a huge load and I think if the company cannot accommodate you then free lancing is the way to go.
Could you freevlance for them?
Children sense turmoil and school can be a big transition especially when daddy isn't around much.
They sense stress.
Its ok to put your health first.
Be kinder to yourself.
Don't bring your mother on holiday again if she makes it harder, screw that.

This isn't going to get easier, what happens when they're too old for wraparound care, it's a hard sell getting kids older than 9 to go regularly. When they're at secondary you don't really want them at home on their own that much especially if you're an hour away. Your husband has really inflexible work so unfortunately I think yours has to be flexible. It's ridiculous that if they like you they won't allow you to flex your office days, it's a reasonable adjustment for someone with caring responsibilities. It's going to be an issue for so many employees. Personally I would try and negotiate or walk away. A middle ground would be to give it 6 months and look for an alternative employer with a similar role and negotiate flexibility on accepting a new position

I’ve asked to flex the office days/WFH but the thing is the fixed days are company wide with no deviations. It’s a bit of a three line whip on attendance and they say the senior team have to set the example.

I don’t know about secondary. The school they’ll most likely go to is 5 minutes walk from our house so I assumed they’d just take themselves there and back by that age.

Also pretty much everyone who works in central London is 45 mins to an hour away from their kids school unless they work v centrally.

just hearing about your situation right now, I wouldn’t accept the contract extension and I’d go back to consulting. I work in this way and don’t believe it harms my CV at all right now because it gives me diverse experience and I’ve developed a lot of client management skills. But what are your longer term career plans? What kind of job do you want once your kids are older and less dependent? If you think you need this job to get you there then I’d consider a nanny for the next couple of years, plus any other help you need (a friend of mine is considering a housekeeper!). It would be an investment in your future.

Can you not freelance for your current employer?? That would get round your & their problems?

Ask your employer if there would be any flexibility if you did stay on. Change of hours/flexi working agreement/wfh ?

OP it seems you have crippling FOMO. If your kids are not doing so well, you don't feel like you are parenting close to how you'd like, the money isn't better and the commute is worse then it's a no brainer. I highly doubt you'll be mulling over this decision in 20 years if you do what's right for you and your family now. Looking after the children is also the job of you and your DH so don't save your best for your boss, use your best for your kids, the ones you chose to bring into the world and have a very finite time to do a decent job with as childhood is a time hopefully to enjoy and have ones parents ease the stresses of being little as much as possible. The advice you have received seems unanimous? What more reassurance do you need?

Au Pair?

This. You’ve done enough. He needs to step up. His turn!!!

Being freelance is more flexible with children. Anything to make your life easier not harder.

It isn’t a good opportunity though. At this time in your life, when the decision has been taken that your husband’s career is more important, this is not a good option for you. You are fortunate that you don’t need the money, but that you can also do the work freelance and still earn it. There are women in your situation who have no choice but to keep working and keep running themselves into the ground, but you are doing so because of some vague notion it will harm your career that you say you are already at the top of.

This is an absolute no brainer. Quit the job.

He has stepped up. He’s taken a pay cut in order to get a fixed shift pattern which impacts him financially and means he can’t go for the next steps in his career, promotions to being a trainer, etc

So tough.

If a nanny/au pair aren’t for you, then I think you need to go back to freelancing.

The childcare is the crux of the matter. And it sounds as though there are no options that you would be happy enough with (NOT a dig at all, just that you have said you will be equally sad/stressed/burnt out if you accepted an option that you weren’t on board with. All your feelings are valid)

Work won’t let you WFH/flexi.

DH has, rightly, already done as much as he can without losing salary/career etc. So have you. And it still isn’t really working out/making any of you happy.

So that pretty much decides it for you, which might be a blessing. You’ve looked at every permutation and right now, there just isn’t one that works with this job.

I’d go back to freelancing, and then look again when the children are older/DH shifts change/you’re open to an au pair/nanny option.

Or YOU go all in career wise, and DH takes a break from his career for a few years while the children are small? Wouldn’t work for some families, but only you know yours.

Good luck!

In 20 years time you may look back and wish you'd prioritised your children more. My viewpoint was always that I worked to live not the other way around. I had children and they became the priority although I did still work part time and I was lucky to have a professional job that I could work around school hours but if my employer had not been flexible I would have walked away from them.

When you're my age and you retire you will have no career, no job, no prestige and no CV to worry about, it will just be you. When that day comes and your grown up children turn up at your house and the grandchildren throw themselves at you and squash your face with their little hands and give you hugs and kisses you'll be glad you made the right choice now.

If your financially comfortable and have a good pension I can't imagine any reason you'd regret spending more time with your children and not having them in wrap-around care everyday