Aibu to think this household bill split isn’t fair? Can someone suggest a better way?

[Namechangedforthisagain123]

Can somebody go through this income split with me please? It’s between dp and me. I really don’t feel like it’s fair but whenever I try and bring it up we go around in circles and end up arguing. If anyone is particularly mathematically minded could they suggest a fairer split? Numbers are approximate as I’m worried about it being outing.

So income, mine is higher. Monthly around £3000. His monthly income works out to be around £1350. It can be more as his hours change on a weekly basis but it’s never really lower than that. He is also paid weekly which often factors into our arguments. Apparently it’s harder to budget in bills when it’s weekly and not paid in one lump sum.

There are four children, two of which have disabilities. One is severely impaired and will never live independently. Specialist school, can’t communicate, still in nappies at 8, you get the idea. All children are under 10. Only one child is dp’s. The other three are my children from my previous marriage.

We rent, the house is in my name but dp is listed as an occupant here. He pays no money towards the rent so that cost is totally on me. Currently he pays £340 towards the bills. This is half of the electricity/gas, water, council tax, car finance, insurance and vehicle tax.

This is where I struggle. That £340 isn’t touching the sides. I’m left paying all the rent, the other half of the above listed bills, all food shops (really not cheap for 6! Disabilities mean there’s a lot of branded food due to sensory issues and very restricted diets). Food shops are regularly over £230 a week. Then there’s internet, Netflix/amazon prime/disney+, tv licensing, kids swimming, holidays, kids clothing/transport to therapies, fuel for the car, pet food and vet bills. Just general life costs. I’ve also got some credit cards that I’m paying down but I know that’s on me to clear.

Dp will pick up some bits from the shop if we’ve ran out or I’ve forgotten something but he’s started complaining about that and expecting to be reimbursed. He will put in enough fuel for whatever he’s using the car for but if I need to go anywhere or want him to take me anywhere it’s expected I’ll pay it. I don’t drive. I’m just sick of stressing about money. He seems to think I’m paid more than enough to cover all costs. Trying to talk to him about it results in him throwing a toddler tantrum where he proclaims ‘fine, I won’t have anything and be miserable’. I’ve told him that this bill split isn’t fair. The problem is I don’t know what is fair. I know half of all bills isn’t fair either but this really doesn’t feel in any way equal.

Who’s reasonable here? If you genuinely agree with dp I’ll accept that. I’m just trying to work out a way that’s fair.

If you’re actually partners, all income goes in the top, and what’s left after all budgeted spend is split 50:50 so you have the same amount of free money.

DH is paid at different intervals to me, but he gets his “spends” on my payday monthly. The budget means all of our salaries get paid into the joint account and on my pay day we both get our spends back, and then the bills are staggered throughout the month to make sure there’s enough money (or it used to be, now my salary pays all the bills so they go out on my payday but then his weekly (in your case) wages are the weekly budget for shopping etc).

Do you get any maintenance from
children’s father(s) ? DLA?
As is normal for these posts the majority of people will say to you its family money, should all be lumped in one pot and whatever you need you take from that .
What does he spend the remainder of his money (!approximately £1000) on then ?

DP needs to pay at least 30% of all outgoings, if your income is £4350 and his is £1350. But only if you see a future with him.

He needs to put all income into a joint account and then take money out on a monthly basis like a normal paycheck.

What do all bills & food shopping come to? Is there a reason he isn’t paying towards food shops? I could understand him not paying 50% of food shopping as not all his kids but assuming he also eats that food, and his child does, why is he not paying any of that?

I should have clarified, me and my ex have a 50/50 arrangement so no maintenance. I do claim dla that I split in half with my ex husband as he needs it to help with meeting her needs half the week.

Edited to add I’ve included the dla in my monthly money.

Was chatting to a friend of mine. Their 24 year old was paying £400 a month contribution to the household, and on mumsnet £200+
seems usual, and yet your dp is only paying £340 a month. That will just about cover food for him and his child.

Are you entitled to any benefits to boost your income if you have disabled children?

Dp should definitely be paying towards energy and water bills, food, petrol, car insurance etc. My son uses one of our cars, and pays for half of all expenses (insurance, tax, car repairs) but pays for his own petrol.

How long have you been together? Does he do his fair share around the house, or more if you work more hours? Who looks after all the kids?

Have you got the cliche single dad sees ‘comfortable’ woman and moves in and becomes a cocklodger scenario?

Does he see you as a family, where he is responsible financially for all the children? Or does he see himself as responsible for only your shared child? If he doesn't agree that he's responsible for all the children, you need to be having serious discussions about whether you are compatible to live together.

He makes 30% of the income, so should be paying 30% of all the expenses if you agree he's financially responsible for all of them.

If you agree he isn't responsible for your children, then the expenses that are only related to them should be subtracted and you should be paying it 70:30. And you pay the expenses your children incur. Does that make you each better or worse off?

Why does he only work part time? Does he ever work a full-time week? Is it possible for him to find a different job with more consistent, full-time hours even if it's not his preferred role?

If you choose to split on the basis of income, you should pay 69% of all household bills (being 3000/4350), he should pay 31% (being 1350/4350).

£340 per month for food, lodging and utilities for your DP and his DC is obviously insufficient.

You mentioned he has a car, but what else does he spend the remaining £1000 pounds on?

Do you have any money left at the end of the month?

Do you both work full time or does he work much lower hours to look after joint children?

Is there a reason you've not previously pooled all your funds and had an equal share of spending money?

On the face of it, it feels really unfair that

• he gets £1k of personal spends per month
• only pays a share of household bills, no food, and no housing. Why should he not make a contribution request here
• you would be better off if you split and he would be significantly worse off

I'd honestly consider splitting over this. What kind of person leaches from a mother of disabled children and argues every time she tries to have a conversation about it

Ok, so I’ve just gone through my bank statements and the basic bills for running the house total £1586. That’s rent, electric/gas, council tax, car finance, insurance, vehicle tax, food shopping, internet, streaming services, tv licensing. That does not include fuel, clothes, days out, payments towards holidays etc.

I’m not actually sure how dp ended up not paying towards the food shops. I didn’t mind so much when he’d pick up bits in the week. I saw that as his contribution but now he’s got grumpy about that and expecting reimbursement I’m resentful. It doesn’t help that he adds a lot to the food shop. He eats a lot of junk/convenience foods and will walk around adding whatever he fancies with no thought of the bill at the end. This is something I’ve brought up but it makes no difference. I’ve tried setting a food budget but again it will go over and he won’t ever suggest putting anything back from his snack collection.

As for how he spends his money and where the rest of it goes, I have no idea! I suspect he fritters it away. He smokes so I imagine a fair bit goes on that. He also has a collectible type hobby and can spend a lot on that. He buys a lot of reduced junk food on his way home from work. That probably adds up.

What are your household expenditure per month? Don’t include your debts or personal expenses, or the disability benefits.

You and your partner count as 1 each. Shared child equals 1 but split between you. Other children equal 1.5 as they’re only there 50% of the time.

You pay 3; he pays 1.5. So you pay 2/3 and he pays 1/3.

He’s taking the piss paying £340 a month. He wouldn’t get a room in a houseshare for that.

Another way of putting it.

op - 1 adult (1 pt) and 3 children ( 3* 1/2 pt = 1.5 pt) children so 2.5 in total

dp - 1 adult + 1 child = 1.5

So bills are split in ratio of 2.5/1.5 (or 2.5/1 if fourth child is joint child, not dp’s child)

So if food costs £1000 per month, then op pays £625 and dp pays £325. However, to complicate matters further, OP’s children are at ex’s fifty percent of the time, so therefore you could argue that food should be 50:50!

And then there’s all the other bills on top.

Who does childcare, cooking, washing, school runs etc OP? Is his income earning capacity reduced due to his caring responsibilities? This will influence my answer.

He thinks he's a teenage boy who pays rent to his mum and hopes she doesn't mind if he forgets or is late with it. He thinks the bulk of his wages are for him to spend.

It's really muddied by the fact three of the children are just yours. How much was he paying in rent before you moved in together? Did he move in with you?

I do all caring responsibilities for both my children with my ex and our joint child who’s currently only 5 months. All the school runs fall to me. I’ve always been fine with this as they’re not dp’s children. I do all cooking for the children but dp does all the cooking for us. Washing I’d say is joint. Cleaning leans far more on to me but if I specifically asked him to do something he’d do it.

I agree that the situation is complicated. That’s why I’ve always ended up dropping it when we’ve argued about it because I have no idea how to make it fair or what’s fair in the first place!

He moved in with me but he’s never lived alone and had to pay bills. He never actually moved out from his childhood home and been self sufficient. He lived with his mother before he moved in with me. This is obviously where the problem lies. He’s never had to stand on his own two feet so doesn’t know what it looks like.

Based on your incomes, kids and basic costs he should be paying you at least £600 a month, plus contribute to your shared child’s expenses like clothes etc he can pay for his own snacks!

Also why does he earn so little? Can he work more hours or get a better paid job? With four kids in the house costs will likely only increase..

If you are family then you should share all income and expenditure.

Our money, not his and hers. All
money into one account and all bills out.

Share what’s left

Does your partner work full time? He earns very little, certainly not enough to provide for a child . Time to send him to back to mummy.

He should be paying half the cost of your youngest and contributing for his share of food. Arguably some rent but not half because I imagine your rent cost is what it is due to the number of children ie. Bedrooms you have which he doesn’t really impact by being there.

In case helpful, I have one DC and my DP and I are planning to move in together. He spends a lot of time at mine anyway, and we split food 50:50. He’s going to pay half the bills as my DC contribute a negligible amount to cost, DP will affect it more (council tax etc). He will pay a contribution for wear and tear as I have a mortgage but not loads, maybe £100-£200.

Your situation is more complex due to disparity in income and the cost of the children. I don’t think you can expect him
to pay half the food bill or half the rent, for example.

God OP why do you put up with such a waste of a man? Won’t even contribute properly towards your joint household and wants reimbursement for food he buys? And you do all the childcare and, no doubt, the bulk
of the household stuff - am I right?
I’m not sure how you can actually respect him enough to be with him - what does he add to your life/ the relationship? split proportionate to income is thenonly fair way. Financially you’d probably be better off without him and his £300.

Why is he earning so little? If you are only 5 months post partum are you back at work already to be on full pay, or are child care costs going to need to be added once you get back?

Given what you’ve said it sounds like his monthly food bill alone could be more than his monthly contribution overall (especially as he should be covering his own plus half the child you share together).

He sounds like a man child who is leaching off you bringing him up as another of your children!

Gosh OP, he saw you coming didn't he !

So he has a replacement mum, a furnished & comfortable home, a family, a nanny, sex on tap, 3 meals a day, all for less than some people spend on a night out !

And £1,000 a month pocket money.

Double his contribution (at least) or send him home to his mum. You and your children will all be better off without him.

Yes, my young adult sons pay about the same as your DP, and I'm not supporting their child on it.

It must seem like you have another child. I think you need to explain to him that he has a child and needs to contribute for both himself and his child. Also, is he working full time?