Aibu to think this household bill split isn’t fair? Can someone suggest a better way?

[Namechangedforthisagain123]

Can somebody go through this income split with me please? It’s between dp and me. I really don’t feel like it’s fair but whenever I try and bring it up we go around in circles and end up arguing. If anyone is particularly mathematically minded could they suggest a fairer split? Numbers are approximate as I’m worried about it being outing.

So income, mine is higher. Monthly around £3000. His monthly income works out to be around £1350. It can be more as his hours change on a weekly basis but it’s never really lower than that. He is also paid weekly which often factors into our arguments. Apparently it’s harder to budget in bills when it’s weekly and not paid in one lump sum.

There are four children, two of which have disabilities. One is severely impaired and will never live independently. Specialist school, can’t communicate, still in nappies at 8, you get the idea. All children are under 10. Only one child is dp’s. The other three are my children from my previous marriage.

We rent, the house is in my name but dp is listed as an occupant here. He pays no money towards the rent so that cost is totally on me. Currently he pays £340 towards the bills. This is half of the electricity/gas, water, council tax, car finance, insurance and vehicle tax.

This is where I struggle. That £340 isn’t touching the sides. I’m left paying all the rent, the other half of the above listed bills, all food shops (really not cheap for 6! Disabilities mean there’s a lot of branded food due to sensory issues and very restricted diets). Food shops are regularly over £230 a week. Then there’s internet, Netflix/amazon prime/disney+, tv licensing, kids swimming, holidays, kids clothing/transport to therapies, fuel for the car, pet food and vet bills. Just general life costs. I’ve also got some credit cards that I’m paying down but I know that’s on me to clear.

Dp will pick up some bits from the shop if we’ve ran out or I’ve forgotten something but he’s started complaining about that and expecting to be reimbursed. He will put in enough fuel for whatever he’s using the car for but if I need to go anywhere or want him to take me anywhere it’s expected I’ll pay it. I don’t drive. I’m just sick of stressing about money. He seems to think I’m paid more than enough to cover all costs. Trying to talk to him about it results in him throwing a toddler tantrum where he proclaims ‘fine, I won’t have anything and be miserable’. I’ve told him that this bill split isn’t fair. The problem is I don’t know what is fair. I know half of all bills isn’t fair either but this really doesn’t feel in any way equal.

Who’s reasonable here? If you genuinely agree with dp I’ll accept that. I’m just trying to work out a way that’s fair.

@Simonjt Wowser! What a bargain! We privately rent (both work but not enough to buy). Modest 3-bed, £1,275 pm. Renting for over decade now. We'd love to have extra money left over every month!

Whys he working so little that he's only earning that? Is he covering a lot of childcare?

How old is the 1 child you have together.

he shouldn’t be paying for them unless he wants to

Lol.
And OP shouldn't be paying for his holidays, car and childcare unless she wants to.
And she doesn't.

It does vary by area, in the area I used figures for a three bed private would be about £7-800 a month.

It's not equivalent as that is generally because she is providing childcare and thereby giving unpaid work...that this attempts to recognise...in those cases her unpaid labour is providing for the family too...the situation here is different

No idea why you allowed it to get to this point.

He needs to get a better job/more hours if he wants "fun" money.

He needs to be paying a fair amount for food, rent and mutual bills. If he doesn't want to pay towards holidays etc then he doesn't go.
That or kick him out.

So once bills are paid and food is bought for everyone, you have £454 to clothe yourself and keep 4 children happy? And at the end of the month your partner has £1010 to spend, on himself because he doesn’t believe that his baby is his responsibility. If you split up, you would have one less person to look after, and his maintenance for the baby would probably be around the same amount he’s paying now for his entire living costs. I think all into one account, and once bills are paid and food and baby clothing budget is set, you split the rest 50/50 for equal ‘spends’. I would recommend you create a spreadsheet with all the details on.

Having four children is always going to be incredibly expensive. Not sure why this is a surprise?

He isn't!!! Or his own child!! Or his own food!! Or holiday!!! Or car!!!!

She's not surprised. It's unfair that he's not paying a realistic amount for his child with her and his living expenses.

Assuming your monthly amount doesn't include childcare and you each pay for your own fuel then he should be paying £800ish and you paying £1700ish.

Then you should each pay an amount into savings for things like holidays, presents etc.,

How on earth does he think most adults live? And he is a father too. I honestly think you should seriously rethink the relationship. I mean his financial contribution is woeful, but not even that, it’s the attitude. Like he is owed someone else carrying the financial load. Not very attractive and certainly not someone to continue to try build a future with. He sounds like a teenager arguing with his mum.

Plus if split up you will get the 25% council tax so saving money plus he will pay cms and food bill be less each week

5mths @Brokentoes85

He needs to pay half the rent..?? And half the food.. then decide how to split the rest of the bills. No need to mention your debts because those are yours alone.

If you owned the house, that could be different because you'd get back what you put in, but rent is different.

Sounds like he only works part time so he needs to up his hours or get a different job. It isn't your responsibility to financially support him, unless you want to and he picks up the slack with childcare / housework. Is he doing any of that?

Regardless of the bills, this man doesn’t think he needs to pay to eat?!! 🤯

Or for his own car...

He should not be paying half the bills as you shouldn’t expect him to financially support your three children that are not his!
so ignore those posters who live as a ‘nuclear’ family saying all finances should be pooled and split - that’s not how step families work.

However his contribution does seem low . He should be paying towards food for definite .

Do you expect him to financially support your existing children ?

Jesus- the literal definition of man child

What a mean selfish manchild. Work out rent locally for him in a two bed flat with approx costings for heat/light all the bills for him AND for your joint child say 2 nights a week. Add in cost of feeding him, feeding baby, his share of nappies etc and then the maintenance he would have to pay you if not a 50/50 splt. Then go back to him with the figures on that and see if he realises what a good deal he currently has cocklodging in your house.

OP I honestly couldn't continue a relationship with someone like him.

If you want to:

Proportionate split of all bills and shopping 4.5/1.5 (you, 3 kids and 1/2 for baby) (him and 1/2 for baby). Do NOT pay a penny towards his car or any of his own personal expenses outside of fuel for the car when you need him to take you somewhere (just typing that makes me feel gross).

You have 5 children OP - one of them is an entitled, sulky, permanent teenager. How very unattractive.
Your children will be better off if you send him back to his birth mother.

Are you multiplying his weekly wage by 4 to calculate a month or are you multiplying 1 week by 52 then dividing by 12 to calculate a month?

If you are doing the former he gets 4 weeks extra in his pocket.

Personally I’d get the last 13 payslips and x by 4 to calculate.

But he sounds like an expensive pet to be honest. If you are back at work with a tiny baby and he is only doing 30-33 hours a week why can’t he find a better job with 40 hours?

I would actually say to him… if you don’t contribute fairly then you can move out - he is just mooching off you.

Another crap boyfriend. OP, you’re worth so much more.

It’s not ok he’s ripping you off and it’s not ok that he tantrums when you’re trying to explain how you feel.

Is he really worth it? sounds like you have enough on your plate without this man child

According to Claude 33 hours a week at NMW would be 1,600 net a month?

What does this man bring to your life? He sounds selfish, mean, is hardly a high achiever…