Aibu to think this household bill split isn’t fair? Can someone suggest a better way?

[Namechangedforthisagain123]

Can somebody go through this income split with me please? It’s between dp and me. I really don’t feel like it’s fair but whenever I try and bring it up we go around in circles and end up arguing. If anyone is particularly mathematically minded could they suggest a fairer split? Numbers are approximate as I’m worried about it being outing.

So income, mine is higher. Monthly around £3000. His monthly income works out to be around £1350. It can be more as his hours change on a weekly basis but it’s never really lower than that. He is also paid weekly which often factors into our arguments. Apparently it’s harder to budget in bills when it’s weekly and not paid in one lump sum.

There are four children, two of which have disabilities. One is severely impaired and will never live independently. Specialist school, can’t communicate, still in nappies at 8, you get the idea. All children are under 10. Only one child is dp’s. The other three are my children from my previous marriage.

We rent, the house is in my name but dp is listed as an occupant here. He pays no money towards the rent so that cost is totally on me. Currently he pays £340 towards the bills. This is half of the electricity/gas, water, council tax, car finance, insurance and vehicle tax.

This is where I struggle. That £340 isn’t touching the sides. I’m left paying all the rent, the other half of the above listed bills, all food shops (really not cheap for 6! Disabilities mean there’s a lot of branded food due to sensory issues and very restricted diets). Food shops are regularly over £230 a week. Then there’s internet, Netflix/amazon prime/disney+, tv licensing, kids swimming, holidays, kids clothing/transport to therapies, fuel for the car, pet food and vet bills. Just general life costs. I’ve also got some credit cards that I’m paying down but I know that’s on me to clear.

Dp will pick up some bits from the shop if we’ve ran out or I’ve forgotten something but he’s started complaining about that and expecting to be reimbursed. He will put in enough fuel for whatever he’s using the car for but if I need to go anywhere or want him to take me anywhere it’s expected I’ll pay it. I don’t drive. I’m just sick of stressing about money. He seems to think I’m paid more than enough to cover all costs. Trying to talk to him about it results in him throwing a toddler tantrum where he proclaims ‘fine, I won’t have anything and be miserable’. I’ve told him that this bill split isn’t fair. The problem is I don’t know what is fair. I know half of all bills isn’t fair either but this really doesn’t feel in any way equal.

Who’s reasonable here? If you genuinely agree with dp I’ll accept that. I’m just trying to work out a way that’s fair.

Not the upkeep of my children. He’s doesn’t pay anything towards them. Just a fair split of the rent, amenity bills, food shopping and our joint child.

Why on earth isn't he paying rent?!

Martins money has a budget excel file sit down and do it with him it includes clothing, birthdays etc. Less then £400 a month when he has a child is ridiculous tell him time to grow up and stop being a man child!

OK he doesn't need to cover the clothing amount for your other children but he does for his. By your salaries about £650 a month.

So many questions. Why can’t he work full time? Why does he think 300 and odd quid a month is enough to pay for a grown man and half a child? I would ask if he was embarrassed about sponging off you but it’s clear he is not. £600 barely touches the sides either, it’s like a room in a shared house but not all bills and not contributing to HIS child

Hard disagree.

Cost for the house, bills and food shop should be 50/50 between OP and the partner. He lives in the house, he shares those bills. You can't start accounting for how many people are being heated by the heating or enjoying the electricity at any one time... that's the path of madness.

The OP and her ex should cover anything specifically for the 3 kids that aren't her partner's - clothes, therapies, gifts etc.

I thought op said the outgoings were about £1,500 a month?

It may vary some months like most of our budgets do, but the same sum can be used.

Pretty sure you can’t be advocating that a lower earner should pay half the bills. There are a million threads where lower earning women are rightly told it’s wrong to force them to pay half…

She did. I think in the rush to have a go at him people are not reading that, or that his income is much lower so even a payment of costs in proportion to earnings (the recommended Mumsnet standard) isn’t a huge amount more than he’s paying.

Three of the children are not his.

Normally on here the advice is bills should be split in proportion to income. Which seems normal if living as a couple instead of simply housemates.

he expects all his bills and rent (even if just for him and not joint child) for £350?! Surely at the very least he should be paying the going rate for a room in a shared house plus his food. Then child maintenance level on top for joint child (say £135 a month). Would you actually end up better off without him
living there?

I do agree with whoever suggested pooling income and taking the same personal spends out on 1st month. That could work better than saying he needs to “give” £whatever.

It’s £1580 (I think that’s what I said) as the basic, everyday living type bills. Then we get onto clothing his child. Something that until last week he didn’t seem to think was his responsibility. We argued about it and he bought her two outfits. Things for the baby just seem to magically appear in his eyes. There’s also the holiday payment. I’m the one paying this. I didn’t want to mention it as it’s a bit of a luxury spend but I’m paying the monthly direct debit for next years family holiday. He hasn’t contributed a penny towards it.

as it stands she has much more left after bills than he does. Taking the same out would mean him paying less. Still think that’s the right approach?

Ok so I absolutely agree he should contribute towards those things. In proportion (so you pay 70% him 30%. Same split as the other bills)

There's a lot of poor maths on this thread! In summary he should be paying something between £500-£750 a month based on him contributing proportionately (in relation to his income) to your shared costs. There's variance there based on whether you want to split the basic costs of the household (you said c £1580) or what is the truer cost including food and other irregular but essential costs that you are covering .(not relating to the kids that aren't his). I personally dont agree with the whole 'same spending money at the end of the month' rationale, for the reasons this example demonstrates.

I wouldn't bother arguing anymore OP. Let him find another place to live/eat for £340 a month and let him find his feet in the real world. He's come straight from the arms of mummy where he probably didn't have to pay for living costs straight into your arms. He needs to grow up and be an adult first.

Well he should pay half the rent as assume he has half the house and you added him to the tenancy agreement

he can go home to mummy’s or rent by self or pay half

why is he in such a low paid job

I think you need to show your workings to get to 750!

If he is budgeting properly, how he gets paid shouldn’t matter. He shouldn’t be budgeting by pay increment, he should be budgeting annually, then if necessary quarterly, monthly and weekly. Life expenses don’t happen in small increments and he needs to look at the big picture to figure out what he can afford to spend.

your breakdown isn’t fair. I’m not sure how to adjust it to make it right. I think you need to detail all of the household and shared child expenses. Then you need to account for who is missing work to care for your shared child. That will give you a picture of the shared budget that needs to be split.

How much do you personally have left after bills and necessities (food, car etc)?

How much would half the rent be?

Stop buying his junk food. Let him buy his own.

I think a previous poster has it correct: Either he moves out and pays for his child through CMS, or he comes to some suitable arrangement for you that his contribution is at least £650 per month plus contributing to the cost of the holidays.

You should pool all the money pay all the bills then divide the money at the end 2/3 to you 1/3 to him , because that is the proportion of the pay in. Sounds like your partner gets paid weekly and spends it before any of the bills get paid- it doesn't matter the frequency of payment you should pool it all and pay all the bills before dividing the remainder for personal spending. Your food bill is high because of your children so it might be fairer for him to pay in less for that- but there is no reason why he should pay no rent, again 2/3 for you and the kids and 1/3 for him would be fair.

get rid of this cheeky cocklodger.
He is costing you money. send him back to his mums. Put him on child maintenance and you will end up getting more than what you're getting from this bum now. I can't imagine how you ended up having a baby with him it would be so unattractive his behaviours

Stop shopping with him for a start. If he wants junk & snacks just for him that's fine. But he shops & pays for them.
Go onto the CMS calculator & work out what he would have to pay. Then increase his paltry £350 by that.
His smoking & car costs are not down to you.
He should be paying something towards the rent.
As a pp, use a spreadsheet so it's all in black & white. If he still has a hissy fit he can go home to mummy & CSM can tell him what to pay you.
May well be easier without him. Selfish tight arses are not attractive.

Pool all of your money and agree on a fixed amount to move into an account each month for your frivolous stuff. Everything else, bills, savings, kids costs, comes directly from the pooled funds.

That way nothing is wasted and you both have equal personal spends