Aibu to think this household bill split isn’t fair? Can someone suggest a better way?

[Namechangedforthisagain123]

Can somebody go through this income split with me please? It’s between dp and me. I really don’t feel like it’s fair but whenever I try and bring it up we go around in circles and end up arguing. If anyone is particularly mathematically minded could they suggest a fairer split? Numbers are approximate as I’m worried about it being outing.

So income, mine is higher. Monthly around £3000. His monthly income works out to be around £1350. It can be more as his hours change on a weekly basis but it’s never really lower than that. He is also paid weekly which often factors into our arguments. Apparently it’s harder to budget in bills when it’s weekly and not paid in one lump sum.

There are four children, two of which have disabilities. One is severely impaired and will never live independently. Specialist school, can’t communicate, still in nappies at 8, you get the idea. All children are under 10. Only one child is dp’s. The other three are my children from my previous marriage.

We rent, the house is in my name but dp is listed as an occupant here. He pays no money towards the rent so that cost is totally on me. Currently he pays £340 towards the bills. This is half of the electricity/gas, water, council tax, car finance, insurance and vehicle tax.

This is where I struggle. That £340 isn’t touching the sides. I’m left paying all the rent, the other half of the above listed bills, all food shops (really not cheap for 6! Disabilities mean there’s a lot of branded food due to sensory issues and very restricted diets). Food shops are regularly over £230 a week. Then there’s internet, Netflix/amazon prime/disney+, tv licensing, kids swimming, holidays, kids clothing/transport to therapies, fuel for the car, pet food and vet bills. Just general life costs. I’ve also got some credit cards that I’m paying down but I know that’s on me to clear.

Dp will pick up some bits from the shop if we’ve ran out or I’ve forgotten something but he’s started complaining about that and expecting to be reimbursed. He will put in enough fuel for whatever he’s using the car for but if I need to go anywhere or want him to take me anywhere it’s expected I’ll pay it. I don’t drive. I’m just sick of stressing about money. He seems to think I’m paid more than enough to cover all costs. Trying to talk to him about it results in him throwing a toddler tantrum where he proclaims ‘fine, I won’t have anything and be miserable’. I’ve told him that this bill split isn’t fair. The problem is I don’t know what is fair. I know half of all bills isn’t fair either but this really doesn’t feel in any way equal.

Who’s reasonable here? If you genuinely agree with dp I’ll accept that. I’m just trying to work out a way that’s fair.

I reckon he needs to be in a fulltime job. If he is in a partnership he needs to contribute a heck of a lot more. I do wonder why you are with him as his attitude about your children stinks. Your children are part of your family and his if he wants to be in a partnership. If he continues only working part time he needs to be looking after all the children. He is the only man I have heard of that separates his family into yours and his.

Why are his wages so low? That's 27 hours a week at minimum wage.

If you’re actually partners, all income goes in the top, and what’s left after all budgeted spend is split 50:50 so you have the same amount of free money

This, from the first response, is the only correct answer.

What he is earning isn’t even full time minimum waged job, he needs to pay more for where he lives and earn more if he isn’t happy with that.

he isn’t living with his mummy any more, he’s a grown man with responsibilities.

Fucking hell he has it easy. No wonder he doesn't want to pay more! He needs to grow up and realise he has a child to provide for.
How many hours does he work and what does he do for such low pay?
I'm afraid you've just become his new mum. Not very sexy is it?

Is he one one these people who can only understand something when they see an actual outcome or consequence?
If he’s not paying towards the holiday, ask him if he’s no longer coming. Or tell him.
If he adds stuff to the shop put it in a different basket, and get him to pay.

So he has £1k per month to spend on himself / hobbies or just stuff for him? Goodness me - I don’t have that to spend on myself and I earn over £80k per year!

It isn’t fair the split - once you’re a grown adult most of your money goes towards bills or your kids. Obvs an issue that he has never lived alone so doesn’t know what it would cost to do that.

In what way is he a partner? He sounds truculent, childish and lazy.

Also, he’s not working full time by the sounds of it. Why not?

What is he bringing to your life?

How long have you been together? I’m guessing he only moved in because of an imminent baby?

So this loser gets £1,000 a month just for personal spends and fun money !!
presumably you do not OP
you are being used
he’s getting food and board, sex and childcare and snacks for a paltry £340 a month !!

But at least one of these “people” is a 5 month old baby.
surely the food bills for the adults are more than he is paying??

£600 a month would be a fairer contribution from him. I would also stop putting his snack treats in the trolley when you're shopping - he can get them himself.

Why is his salary so low? 37 hours a week on minimum wage is £1760 pcm. Is he covering a lot of the childcare and life admin which limits his working hours?

OP does your “D”P work full time since he appears to be earning significantly less than minimum wage??

£1560 a month for rent, utilities, food etc seems very low. Are you sure it’s not more than this?

edited to add - you say food alone can come to £230 a week, surely your monthly outgoings are way more than you are calculating.

He’s basically not fledged.

I think you need to sit down with the Money saving expert budget sheet, and go through everything, all the bills, expenses , both weekly and, monthly, yearly etc. He needs to face the reality of running a home, and if it takes his money, then so be it. Agree to a monthly spending amount you can each spend, even if it’s only £200.

He sounds more like a fifth child who pays token digs money than a partner.
Utterly unattractive mummies boy who’s after a cheap ride at your expense 🤢
How can you find that attractive in a man?

Is he actually your life partner? I assume you aren't married because then you'd say "DH" but is he in this "for ever" as far as possible? If you were married then the right answer would be to have everything pooled, no such thing as his money and your money, all money goes into the pot, all expenses come out of the pot, and you each get the same amount of discretionary spending money and all savings would be considered joint. If you consider yourself "married in all but name" then leaning towards this would be appropriate, though given that some of the children aren't his, leaning towards ringfencing savings in proportion to the number of children that would stay with each of you in the event of a split might be appropriate.

If you aren't that deeply committed then it's more appropriate for you to both be paying your own way as far as possible. IF you had roughly equal income it would be broadly appropriate for him to cover the costs of approximately 30% of the whole household running costs (including rent/mortgage, bills, food, medical and SEN related additional costs and leisure costs) because he is responsible for one adult and 0.5 children and you are responsible for one adult and 3.5 children. However your income is roughly double his so his contribution should be in the region of 15% of the whole running costs.

Ok, so I’ve just gone through my bank statements and the basic bills for running the house total £1586. That’s rent, electric/gas, council tax, car finance, insurance, vehicle tax, food shopping, internet, streaming services, tv licensing. That does not include fuel, clothes, days out, payments towards holidays etc.

It is a tricky setup, and a lot depends on if your DP has caring responsibilities for one of the disabled children which precludes him from earning more/working full time, as you should adjust for that if so.

But basically..

Rent should be 50/50

Gas/electric/water/council tax/misc household costs 50/50

Car finance and related costs - would you have a car if not for him? Do you rely on him to drive you and the children around? What did you do before you met him? I would argue that if the car is in his name, and is his 'asset' he should be paying the 100% of the finance payment, you pay half of all usage costs, and potentially all fuel if it is used for you more than anything.

Subscriptions should be paid by whoever wants them, if it benefits all of you then 50/50.

Food shop.. the "basics" should be 50/50, you have 2 children who are there half the time and he has one child there full time, plus your shared child.. so it basically evens out.. any luxuries or necessities for certain children should fall to the individual parent and not be included with the household shop.

Child related things, should be paid by the relevant parent or 50/50 if it is for shared child.

Pets - who's pets are they? Joint decision pets 50/50, anything else, falls to the responsible person.

You need to sit down and write every item, down, you are being far too 'vague' about costs (like "food shop"), he has no problem getting you to pay for things, you need to be in that mindset too and stop paying for his things, write every single thing down that you pay for or buy as a household, even down to who pays for nappies for the 8 year old etc, and be very specific about who is responsible for ALL of those costs.

Finally if you want to adjust for the difference in your earnings for anything that is 50/50 responsibility you can do that at the end.

If he doesn't like the result he can leave, but he will be paying for all those things he is responsible for by himself anyway, so just stop paying for them if he won't agree.

You genuinely think a grown ass man, should get full bed and board, along with luxuries like holidays and having all the childcare done for him for £390.00 a month? and have £1000, at least, left over for his personal spending? Fuck me, no wonder the bar is so fucking low for men these days. Where else - in real life - do you think he would be getting that kind of deal?

I now agree with the 'ditch the prick and get CSA out of him brigade' OP.

What hours does he work to be earning such a low wage? Also you mention your “income” not salary being £3k, and with a five month old you must be on maternity leave? How much of that £3k is benefits? He’s undoubtedly a feckless chancer but is part of his “logic” that he considers it “free” money from the taxpayer rather than the OP’s hard work?!

how long had you been together before moving in/deciding to have another baby?

Exactly, every single thing he adds to the trolley, you place after the separator on the conveyor belt and tell the checkout person and him that those are his items.

He's got a bloody nerve. Personally, I'd move the leech out and claim CMS from him instead. And I wouldn't be paying for him to go on holiday every year either!

He saw you coming. Immature wanker.

@MyKindHiker if the woman in a couple earned half what the man did, would you expect her to pay half of all bills too?

So why is his wage so low?

Hes cocklodging, you'd be financially better off without him!!!

Me and dh listed all outgoings and paid equal amounts into a joint account and set the DDs and SOs to be paid monthly. It really worked well. In fact a bit better for me as I'd been paying my own car tax ☺️
It was a bespoke a/c at the time specifically for household costs. Not business or leisure or hobbies.
Stick to household matters only.
How you would work out the surplus is up to you. DH was the higher earner and paid for big stuff like dinners out and holiday stuff etc.
I spent my surplus on things for the house and soft furnishings that I wanted to have, and the kids clothes.

Just came here to say that my vagina would shrivel up and die at the prospect of a man who quibbles over paying his own food and rent costs, can’t work out how to pay monthly bills from a weekly wage and seems absolutely desperate that not a penny of his money accidentally goes towards supporting his partner and her severely disabled children. Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with him? Hope he’s good in bed op because he’s certainly not a decent human being.