Aibu to think this household bill split isn’t fair? Can someone suggest a better way?

[Namechangedforthisagain123]

Can somebody go through this income split with me please? It’s between dp and me. I really don’t feel like it’s fair but whenever I try and bring it up we go around in circles and end up arguing. If anyone is particularly mathematically minded could they suggest a fairer split? Numbers are approximate as I’m worried about it being outing.

So income, mine is higher. Monthly around £3000. His monthly income works out to be around £1350. It can be more as his hours change on a weekly basis but it’s never really lower than that. He is also paid weekly which often factors into our arguments. Apparently it’s harder to budget in bills when it’s weekly and not paid in one lump sum.

There are four children, two of which have disabilities. One is severely impaired and will never live independently. Specialist school, can’t communicate, still in nappies at 8, you get the idea. All children are under 10. Only one child is dp’s. The other three are my children from my previous marriage.

We rent, the house is in my name but dp is listed as an occupant here. He pays no money towards the rent so that cost is totally on me. Currently he pays £340 towards the bills. This is half of the electricity/gas, water, council tax, car finance, insurance and vehicle tax.

This is where I struggle. That £340 isn’t touching the sides. I’m left paying all the rent, the other half of the above listed bills, all food shops (really not cheap for 6! Disabilities mean there’s a lot of branded food due to sensory issues and very restricted diets). Food shops are regularly over £230 a week. Then there’s internet, Netflix/amazon prime/disney+, tv licensing, kids swimming, holidays, kids clothing/transport to therapies, fuel for the car, pet food and vet bills. Just general life costs. I’ve also got some credit cards that I’m paying down but I know that’s on me to clear.

Dp will pick up some bits from the shop if we’ve ran out or I’ve forgotten something but he’s started complaining about that and expecting to be reimbursed. He will put in enough fuel for whatever he’s using the car for but if I need to go anywhere or want him to take me anywhere it’s expected I’ll pay it. I don’t drive. I’m just sick of stressing about money. He seems to think I’m paid more than enough to cover all costs. Trying to talk to him about it results in him throwing a toddler tantrum where he proclaims ‘fine, I won’t have anything and be miserable’. I’ve told him that this bill split isn’t fair. The problem is I don’t know what is fair. I know half of all bills isn’t fair either but this really doesn’t feel in any way equal.

Who’s reasonable here? If you genuinely agree with dp I’ll accept that. I’m just trying to work out a way that’s fair.

If you have a child together and you are "partners" rather than moving your casual boyfriend in well surely you pool money, pay the bills and then what is left is divided to spend/save as you each wish. You will put in more anyway as you have 3 extra children that are not his, plus I imagine you are getting disibility benefits and child maintenance too, so is your 3k everything or just earnings?

It is the easiest and fairest way to do things if you consider yourself a family of six rather than 2 separate adults with a mix of children. No more arguing about who fills the car or pays for the food, you have the same amount of money and just live as a family.

Of course he should, why, do you think he should have to pay for another persons children? They have two parents who should be funding them, that shouldn’t be left to someone else.

He's taking the piss and isn't paying enough proportionally at all.

Also, your child's DLA shouldn't be factored into your monthly income at all. He sounds like a selfish man child.

Honestly id send him back to mummy OP. You have 4 children - even if he isn't financially responsible for 3 of them doesn't give him an excuse to be a financial drain on you. Work out how much your food bill would be without all his crap. My DH was ill for 3 weeks in september and even factoring in his getting through £3 a day of oat milk then because he wasnt eating our shopping bill went down by £60pw. He thinks you should pay for his food. He's nuts.

I’ve just realised I’ve not added the food shopping to that bills total. Sorry! So all the household bills including the little scatty ones amount to £1580. Then the food shopping is around £230 a week on top of that.

He works around 33/35 hours a week. He often earns more around the £1500 a month mark but sometimes he’ll have months with less hours and earn less. So I put the minimum I’ve seen him earn down to try and keep it fair.

We do exactly this too. We are a couple, a team, regardless of what the other earns, our wages all goes into one pot the each month we both have the same amount of “pocket money” that goes into our own accounts to spend on whatever we want. We have £250 each “pocket money “ but you do whatever you can comfortably afford after all bills paid. Anything we do together (theatre,restaurants,holidays) comes out of the joint pot.
My “pocket money” I use for going out with friends, buying myself nice treats.

What does he bring to your life ?

why isn’t he paying towards the holiday he’s going on ?

how long were you together before getting preg and moving in

if you don’t have no 4 would you still be with him

no point trying to keep a relationship going just for the babies sake

So he earns roughly £1675 gross so just over £20k so either needs to find a second job or work more hours - what does he do for it to go up and down ?

For a start - tell him shopping budget. If his snacks go over either take them off or he pays.

OP if he is indeed only earning £1500 per month working 33/35 hrs per week then his firm are paying him under minimum wage and need reporting.
or he needs a new job.
If you have the patience to teach him, keep ALL the shopping receipts and ensure he keeps the junk food and show him where the money is going

Hold on, if you don't drive the car is his - why isn't he paying the finance, tax and insurance? By all means chip in for fuel if he drives you places but otherwise you get no use of the car, its his

So, just checking, if he leaves OP (or she wakes up and ditches his sorry arse) you are 100% confident he could live, independently, elsewhere, and also pay 50% of all costs for his own child, for £390.00 a month? So therefore £390.00 is a perfectly reasonable amount to contribute to a household.

(ETA - your original maths are, obviously, way off, but let's go with it because you're the one stating a fully grown adult paying £390.00 a month contribution to a household is totally A OK...)

Maybe go by last years tax return

we all would like to work less hours. Sure you would - but you have responsibility’s and work to pay for them

so he needs to up his hours /get another job

I think he should move out and see how he manages then

This guy is such a walking ick. He has a kid he contributes nothing towards, food he doesn’t pay for, a holiday he pays nothing for… gross. What a man baby. Get rid OP, what is he bringing to the table?

@Namechangedforthisagain123
How much is your rent pm? Seems very cheap!

No, but thats completely unrelated, its no ones fault that the household has extremely low outgoings.

His responsibility is for himself and his child, his partners responsibility is for herself and her children. For some people that means paying £390, for others that might mean paying £1,200. OP and her partner are both adults, they do not need to pay for each other, op has three children that aren’t with her partner, he shouldn’t be paying for them unless he wants to.

Fuck me, it gets worse, he's only working 33/35 hours a week, and getting his holidays and his car paid for, and OP is still doing all the childcare and there are still men ( or at least one of them) saying, nooooo, nothing to see here. He's really landed on his feet.

Op his wages make no sense. Hes either lying or hes being taken for a mug, I know what id bet on.

I'm not sure I've ever called someone's DP a cocklodger before but I think you have one I'm afraid.

I'm still confused how the rent is so cheap?

Whatev's mate.
Cocklodger indeed.

Unless he does the vast majority of the childcare, he is taking the piss. He couldn't live on his own for £340 a month, let alone pay his share of a child. I bet he eats far more than anyone else in the house too.

He has £1000+ of money every month for himself. That's the sort of spending money someone has when they're on a decent income and single. Not the spending money of someone with a child on below a 40 hr week minimum wage job.

You have three extra children for half the time, so I can see why he might reasonably consider those costs yours not his. And that will be a chunk of the rent as you'll have bedrooms for them all the time, not just 50% of the time, so presumably have a significantly bigger house than you'd have if it was just you, him, and the baby. But if you're looking at splitting expenses like that then he pays 50% of the joint ones, not a proportion of his salary. If it's too rich for his blood you cut your lifestyle until it's within his reach. (Might need to adjust for any benefits he'd pick up if he wasn't living with someone earning significantly more).

Was he like this about money before he moved in? Before you had a child together? Is there any hope that he's actually going to change or should you be considering how to cut your losses?

What a catch 🤣, so you moved him in and had a baby with him when you already have 3 children? You can't really moan, what did you anticipate would happen here deciding to have a baby with someone who has never lived independently away from their mother and never had a reason to try to increase their imcome?

It might be a HA property, in some areas a three bed would be around £105 a week, where as private rent can often be outrageous.

As the higher earner you pay a higher percentage and then you pay additional again because you have more children.

You need to work out those percentages.

As this clearly isn’t a blended family
its you and yours and him and his plus you.