Aibu to think this household bill split isn’t fair? Can someone suggest a better way?

[Namechangedforthisagain123]

Can somebody go through this income split with me please? It’s between dp and me. I really don’t feel like it’s fair but whenever I try and bring it up we go around in circles and end up arguing. If anyone is particularly mathematically minded could they suggest a fairer split? Numbers are approximate as I’m worried about it being outing.

So income, mine is higher. Monthly around £3000. His monthly income works out to be around £1350. It can be more as his hours change on a weekly basis but it’s never really lower than that. He is also paid weekly which often factors into our arguments. Apparently it’s harder to budget in bills when it’s weekly and not paid in one lump sum.

There are four children, two of which have disabilities. One is severely impaired and will never live independently. Specialist school, can’t communicate, still in nappies at 8, you get the idea. All children are under 10. Only one child is dp’s. The other three are my children from my previous marriage.

We rent, the house is in my name but dp is listed as an occupant here. He pays no money towards the rent so that cost is totally on me. Currently he pays £340 towards the bills. This is half of the electricity/gas, water, council tax, car finance, insurance and vehicle tax.

This is where I struggle. That £340 isn’t touching the sides. I’m left paying all the rent, the other half of the above listed bills, all food shops (really not cheap for 6! Disabilities mean there’s a lot of branded food due to sensory issues and very restricted diets). Food shops are regularly over £230 a week. Then there’s internet, Netflix/amazon prime/disney+, tv licensing, kids swimming, holidays, kids clothing/transport to therapies, fuel for the car, pet food and vet bills. Just general life costs. I’ve also got some credit cards that I’m paying down but I know that’s on me to clear.

Dp will pick up some bits from the shop if we’ve ran out or I’ve forgotten something but he’s started complaining about that and expecting to be reimbursed. He will put in enough fuel for whatever he’s using the car for but if I need to go anywhere or want him to take me anywhere it’s expected I’ll pay it. I don’t drive. I’m just sick of stressing about money. He seems to think I’m paid more than enough to cover all costs. Trying to talk to him about it results in him throwing a toddler tantrum where he proclaims ‘fine, I won’t have anything and be miserable’. I’ve told him that this bill split isn’t fair. The problem is I don’t know what is fair. I know half of all bills isn’t fair either but this really doesn’t feel in any way equal.

Who’s reasonable here? If you genuinely agree with dp I’ll accept that. I’m just trying to work out a way that’s fair.

How much money do you have left over for personal leisure spends at the end of the month? Bet it’s a lot less than £1k!!

How about both sitting down with bank statements for the last 3-6 months and just plotting all outgoings?l to give him a more realistic view of household expenses.

My adult child is on min wage and contributes more than he does.

@Namechangedforthisagain123 if it were me I would see 3 of the kids my financial responsibility and 1 as joint financial responsibility.

There are 6 of you in the household.
There’s a joint income of £4350.

I would work out the cost of one person.
£4350/6 = £725.00

Your partner should pay for himself £725 + 1/2 for joint child £362.50. Total of £1087.50 pm.

Your partner’s weekly contribution should be
£1087.50 / 4.3 =£252.91 pw.

The rest is your cost OP.

So six people in the house, four children with one being his child.

So each person costs about £260 a month. Surely he pays for 1.5 people, and you pay for 5.5 people.

Ok thanks for update OP. So if anything, it is your earning power that is impacted by caring duties. Therefore I would say the starting point is each adult counts as 1, each child as 0.5 (just my opinion that a child = half an adult in most things). Then your children not shared only count for 1/2 as they are only there half the time. So you should pay 1(you)+0.25(half of 0.5 shared child) + 0.25 + 0.25 (half of your 0.5 children for the half they are there x 2 children)=1.75. He should pay 1.25 (him and half his child).Therefore the split is you 0.58 (call it 60%) and him the remainder (round down to 40%). So for joint bills (£1,586) would be (roughly, rounding up, yes I know it doesn’t come to the exact total due to this): you £950 and him £635. So almost double what he is currently paying. You can haggle round the edges but it will be somewhere in this magnitude. I don’t think it relevant how much each of you earns, as you are not married and have not joined finances. If he isn’t happy with his salary he should find alternative employment rather than expecting you to subsidise him. Also there is no non-financial input from him to offset his fair share of financial contribution.
Further thoughts from me would be firstly check what your income / outgoings would be if he were not there. Not only are you subsidising him directly (he is not even paying for himself - which would be £523) but you are also missing out on single person CT at a minimum and likely top up means tested benefits too if his income and presence were not taken into account. Next, as you don’t drive I would be tempted to get rid of the car. Or at least stop paying for it if he owns it. Yes it is nice and convenient but it is taking the piss for all the costs to be on you. You would have to manage without if he were not there. Put the money towards driving lessons! Take a taxi and go shopping without him. It stops him adding all his junk food to the weekly bill.

The DLA is for your child and should not be included in your income amount.
Remove that amount when you are comparing how much money you are each bringing to the household.

I’m guessing he’s much younger than you and prob not together for very long before got preg

you so have a cock lodger - sorry

to pay a bit of the bills and nothing of the food or rent is taking the piss

That doesn't account for any variation in income. By that methodology, in a standard 2.3 kids and two parents situation, everything would be split 50/50 regardless of who earns what.

He needs to pay more or leave. Even my 20yr DD pays £400 per month and she does all the cooking and meal planning. He's not even paying for what he eats 😱

Have to agree with pp, you have a cocklodger.

It’s this. He’s not that far off tbh so doesn’t deserve all the comments labelling him a waste of space.

And they’ve muddled up income and costs so that post is totally wrong

As others have pointed out, remove the DLA from income!

Thank you so much everyone! This is very helpful and has given me a lot to think about.

I only added the dla to the total because I mentioned the higher food costs due to SEN and money for therapies. I thought if I’m adding the costs of having SEN children in the household outgoings then I need to include the dla in the income or it’s disingenuous.

He’s my age but if I’m honest it feels like being with someone much younger.

My gut was telling me that something in the £600 zone is a lot fairer. When I’ve spoken to people about it £600 is always the number that’s brought up as being a fair contribution. I have actually mentioned it to him but I’m met with, ‘I will but I’ll have no money to myself and be miserable’. Or ‘you can’t expect anything else then if I’m giving you £600. No birthday presents’.

And three of the DC are only there 50% of the time.

Thank god you said DP and not DH.

While I do appreciate that you have brought more children into the relationship and therefore presumably your rent is higher as a bigger property than if you were housing just you two and your shared child, seeing your total bills makes me think there isnt a whole lot in that?

Also, how do you feel about him behaving like this - he's treating you really badly, he should want to support you and your baby and not want you to be struggling. If, as you say, he was spoilt and home and was just totally oblivious until you pointed out the disparity, that would be different, but he's got nasty when you've pointed it out, and thats not the sign of someone who loves or likes you. How do you feel about him?

Why are you subsiding his car if you don't drive? Let him cover that. Don't get his specific junk food, snacks and drinks in the food shop, they are his to buy for himself.
He needs to get a proper job, is he even bringing in minimum wage there.
£340 a month all inclusive is a ridiculously small contribution. He's not even covering his own food bill.

How did you get £260 pppm?

Theres no money left from £4350 joint income. So thats £725 pppm.

I would not even be arguing with him, I would show him the door and let him find somewhere on his own

that will make bills cheaper for you anyway

I think the key thing is to get it written down so you aren't just arguing on vibes. You've done that now, you can see the household stuff - for the house he lives in - is £1600 a month give or take so his half of that should be £800. End of. And if he wants to try and say the house is more occupied than your kids (x3) than him and his kid.... then he's a waste of space and you need to have a different discussion entirely. Rent and food should be split according to the adults.

So I would look at costs in proportion to what you earn but then deduct for the three children that are not his (as far as is sensible). That seems fair to me.

I thought Mumsnet rule was equal income after bills

that would mean him paying zero and you paying all the costs, therefore each ending up with around 1400 left

him paying 340 means he has a lot less left than you. Maybe that’s fair?

So the lower earning partner pays half? Really?

A grown man, a father, is contributing £85 a week to the pot? Jesus. I paid more than that when I was back from uni for a bit after graduating. 20+ years ago. On a shit salary!

Your maths is off there - her £1500ish was just for the pure house stuff before food, stuff for kids etc. I imagine with 4 kids the OP has absolutely zero left out of £3k each month.

She said it included food shopping…

Forgive me if I've missed this from your OP but are you expecting your DP to pay towards the upkeep of your children?
If the roles were reversed and a woman was expected to fund another man's children with her salary, I'm sure the feedback would be slightly different on here.
This isn't meant as a dig, its just something that I'm curious about from what you've said so far.