AIBU to not offer to host Christmas?

[chocolatecoveredpretzels]

I have never hosted my family at Christmas in my own home.

My partner and I are not very sociable people and rarely have anyone to visit. We have a small home, with a living room, kitchen with a table for two but not really room for more seats (maybe 4 at a push), a study with a desk in, one bathroom which is upstairs and our double room plus a small single bedroom. We are childless not through choice.

My two siblings both have children. They have houses with living room, kitchen and dining room as three separate spaces. Both have a downstairs loo and four bedrooms in their houses.

We tend to alternate Christmas Day with my family one year and my partner’s family the next. My dad isn’t very well and can’t manage stairs any more. He’s not really up for hosting all of us (12-14 people in total) so we tend to go to one of my siblings. Dad can get to the downstairs bathroom fine in their homes.

We were talking about plans for this year and my sister made a remark about me hosting ‘for once’. There was a bit of an awkward pause and my BIL changed the subject.

Now I feel like I’m being talked about as the unreasonable sibling who never hosts. It’s both for practical reasons like my dad using the bathroom safely, and due to space. I pull my weight when at my siblings’ houses. I bring joints of meat, drinks and other food. I pay a third of the other costs (split three ways, between sibling households, Dad doesn’t pay, and not in proportion to number of people in each household). I do the washing up.

I’m having a real wobble about it. Should I be trying to find a solution or just hosting and accepting we won’t be able to sit at a table together and dad won’t be able to stay long because of the loo situation? Maybe I need to fund a meal out for everyone instead once every 6 years?

YABU: I am not doing enough and need to work out a way to host
YANBU: What I’m doing is reasonable and enough

I think as long as you are not freeloading every year, then you are not unreasonable.

If you genuinely have not got the space to host, it's impractical to try to do so.

You could take the bull by the horns and ask your sister if she thinks you should host and if so what are her suggestions to overcome the lack of space and your dad being unable to get to the loo.

We never host DH's for similar reasons, MIL has made a few comments over the years but luckily has given up now.
We've hosted my parents but that's only 2 extras (4 seater table) with the in-laws it's 6 more, there just isn't space

I think you need to have a proper conversation with your sister about it.

@Createausername1970 has said all that needs saying.

Not sure why you told us that you are both unsociable. The lack of space is a perfectly adequate angle for your thread.

I think I’d host just to show them why I couldn’t, if you see what I mean. Let them eat Xmas dinner off their laps and see your poor Dad go home early. It’ll make the point nicely.

I'm in my forties and have never hosted a single thing, I highly recommend it. (and nope I don't go for food in anyone else's house)
Do your own thing, have a December meetup somewhere with relatives you like.

I would just speak to my siblings and just say that you don’t feel your house is suitable for your dad with the bathroom being upstairs and that having that many people in your home would be a tight squeeze.

you pay your way and pull your weight at their houses so don’t feel pressured to host.

If you normally go to one of their houses every other year then you need to host.

Ask your sister how long your dad is going to have to hold his bladder for, or is he going to wee in a jug, and if so can she provide the jug?

Some people don’t think things through.

But - what extra work does the host do that you don’t see? I’m thinking vacuum, clean the loo, things like that. Is there an even spread of the invisible jobs?

Fk. Christmas. Your sister knows you can't/won't host. There's no point in having aggro over it. If you haven't already, offer to cover her costs this time. It's expensive catering for 14 people.

Or tell everyone you're going away and do it. But cover DSis costs aswell. I don't think you can have it both ways.

Well, as I’m sure your duster already knows, you can remind them that you barely have discs for four, let alone 14. You do what you can. So next time someone brings it up I’d say ‘I’d love to host when we have room to do so, but until then I’ll contribute however I can as I always do’. Take that sis.

@HappyViewer What do you think I could practically change/ do in order to host here?

@NoCommentingFromNowOn yes, that invisible prep work is one of the reasons I am worried I’m unreasonable. It’s the reason I cook and bring so much extra food and buy drinks, plus do all the washing up.

Do you think I should offer to pay for the entire cost once every three times, and then buy the meat plus pay a third the other two times?

Could you host it in DFs house ?
I don’t have siblings but it is annoying when Christmas is alternated between the two “adult” houses when other people are now adults and if not hosting, could definitely do more to share the load both financial and chore wise.

No but you should have an actual convo about it. Do you ever just invite your sister so she can see the reality.

A commode in the study.

Set up the table in the living room as buffet Christmas lunch perhaps? I don’t know without seeing your house.

Basically once the comments start you need to step up otherwise you are being that sibling.

@SereneFinch "I think I’d host just to show them why I couldn’t, if you see what I mean. Let them eat Xmas dinner off their laps and see your poor Dad go home early. It’ll make the point nicely."

My thoughts exactly.

If you wanted to find a way to host you would. I did Christmas Day for 12 in a crappy one bedroom flat many years ago, we all just made do in the limited space and had a brilliant day.

You don’t so you won’t but it’s worth a chat with your siblings if they’re feeling taken for granted.

They presumably know what your home is like yet feel it wouldn’t be impossible or unreasonable for you to host. Why do you think that is?

I think you should offer and suggest a buffet? Not sure what your sister could suggest about the lack of downstairs toilet for your dad.

I think you really need to just speak to your sister about it, and find out how she really feels. It sounds like you do a lot to compensate for not hosting - bringing extras on top of the three-way split of costs and doing the washing up etc. Maybe you hosting in your dad’s home would work.

It's not realistic for you to host - everyone would be cramped and your dad wouldn't be able to use the loo! I live in a two bedroom flat and don't host large gatherings in winter for the same reason. (In the summer it's different as we have a large park opposite).

Your siblings know this so I think they are being a bit ridiculous to be honest.

You are doing all the right things by contributing financially, helping wash up etc. If you REALLY want to be above possible reproach, you could offer to host in one of their houses? So you will shop for the food, do the bulk of food prep etc. Of course, they may not want that (I'm not sure I would like to sit back while someone else other than DD or I cooked in our flat - can't fully articulate why but it would feel weird?). But at least you will have made the offer.

I also think they ought to be a bit more thoughtful towards that fact that Xmas must be a tough time for you if you had hoped to have a child or children and this never worked out. Being around two celebrating families, when this hasn't happened for you, isn't always the easiest I imagine? And if I was your sibling I would be cutting you a lot of slack for that reason - TBH I would be surprised and thrilled you were willing to spend time with the wider family over Xmas at all. And as long as you are all together, who really cares where?

I think if you really wanted to you could host at yours by bending over backwards to accommodate (extra table in living room, telling people to bring chairs, portable camping toilet for downstairs etc).
However, I'm NOT saying that is what you should do, you shouldn't have to bend over backwards, because the reality is your house sounds too small and it would probably be a bad experience because of it.
So, if you really don't want to host at yours then just say your house it's too small, it's a perfectly acceptable excuse.

I think you should show willing... could you suggest having Christmas at dads but you stay over and do the hosting? That way dad gets to stay home, where he is probably most comfortable, your siblings get a turn off the hosting and you are doing your "turn"

Lots of people wouldn't feel comfortable using a commode in a normal room, I wouldn't.

And what does "being that sibling" mean? That she will become the brunt of nasty comments from the others? If so, that says a lot more about them than her. Xmas is about love, family and friendship, not about sniping at people and forcing them to do things they don't feel comfortable with.

If nobody wants to host, they should all go out for a meal. Personally I'd love to have a big house and a big family and host Christmas for the latter in the former - I'd feel blessed on both counts. Not try to force somebody less fortunate than me to do something they wouldn't enjoy our of a weird sense of "fairness".

Hosting it at dad's is quite a nice idea if his house is suitable - it might be nice for him to be in familiar surroundings and to have his mobility aids etc around him?

“A commode in the study”

Oh give over