AIBU to not offer to host Christmas?

[chocolatecoveredpretzels]

I have never hosted my family at Christmas in my own home.

My partner and I are not very sociable people and rarely have anyone to visit. We have a small home, with a living room, kitchen with a table for two but not really room for more seats (maybe 4 at a push), a study with a desk in, one bathroom which is upstairs and our double room plus a small single bedroom. We are childless not through choice.

My two siblings both have children. They have houses with living room, kitchen and dining room as three separate spaces. Both have a downstairs loo and four bedrooms in their houses.

We tend to alternate Christmas Day with my family one year and my partner’s family the next. My dad isn’t very well and can’t manage stairs any more. He’s not really up for hosting all of us (12-14 people in total) so we tend to go to one of my siblings. Dad can get to the downstairs bathroom fine in their homes.

We were talking about plans for this year and my sister made a remark about me hosting ‘for once’. There was a bit of an awkward pause and my BIL changed the subject.

Now I feel like I’m being talked about as the unreasonable sibling who never hosts. It’s both for practical reasons like my dad using the bathroom safely, and due to space. I pull my weight when at my siblings’ houses. I bring joints of meat, drinks and other food. I pay a third of the other costs (split three ways, between sibling households, Dad doesn’t pay, and not in proportion to number of people in each household). I do the washing up.

I’m having a real wobble about it. Should I be trying to find a solution or just hosting and accepting we won’t be able to sit at a table together and dad won’t be able to stay long because of the loo situation? Maybe I need to fund a meal out for everyone instead once every 6 years?

YABU: I am not doing enough and need to work out a way to host
YANBU: What I’m doing is reasonable and enough

Are you contributing when you go to your family? Buying the meat? Drinks? Other food? Helping prep etc

OP has already mentioned she does the prep and takes a lot of food with her .OP maybe the best answer is have a chat with others in the family and see what is suggested. Not many people would like to be somewhere they can't get to a loo.

Why does your dad not pay?

Agree buy say only your parents can come due to space.

@DemonsandMosquitoes he doesn’t really want gifts, so we cover the costs for him instead.

Can I ask what your dad does every other year when you see your in laws? Do some of your siblings never spend Christmas with their in laws, or is he alone?

I ask because we never spend Christmas day with our siblings anymore because we are deliberately on different 'every other year,' arrangements with in laws so our parents always have one of us to spend Christmas day with. Also, I don't think any of us want to host that many people! So we see our siblings a different days over the Christmas holidays. I like it as it spreads out the fun but less pressure on hosting one big day.

I'm wondering if you spending Christmas day with your dad at his house but without everyone else sometimes would work.

I'd talk to the sister who made the comment and lay out all the options you can think of, and see what she thinks:

1. Spend Christmas just with your dad at his some years, to give them a break from hosting and let them spend Christmas just their family.

2. pay for a meal out when it's your turn (although of you are doing that I think there should be a conversation about how much you are contributing financially the other years, as you sound like you pay way over your share!)

3. try and fit everyone into yours - how do they think it would work?

4. stick with current arrangements and ask if she doesn't think you contribute enough what would she like (make sure you list everything you do and pay for)

Have an honest up front conversation and then she has no excuse for sniping.

It does sound quite ridiculous everyone coming to you when you don’t have the space and they do. It’s not like you’re not contributing!
And what is your poor Dad supposed to do?
I’d it back on to your family and point out the glaringly obvious that your Dad wouldn’t be ok with it being at your house. Doesn’t matter that it is small, it matters that he wouldn’t be ok being there.

More to the point, it doesn’t sound like your sister was being very kind or has been very kind in the past. And I do get the impression they are talking behind your back which probably does need calling out. It sound like you take loads of things so what exactly is her problem? (Other than she sounds like she’s not very nice!)

I’m child free too and every Christmas there are issues. It sucks.

You are already paying above and beyond what your siblings are paying and it’s only you and your partner . Whereas your siblings have partners and children.

if you paid exactly what your siblings are paying without the extras, I’m sure they would complain about that.

it just seems like you will never win in this situation.

you host a summer BBQ, who pays for that? Do your siblings host a family BBQ at any time? Maybe it’s their turn for that.

Aw OP I'm sad to read this. A difficult birth is 100% not your fault.

I wonder if your sister feels slightly trapped by the arrangement? Like maybe she'd like to have Christmas with just her nuclear family but she doesn't want your dad to be alone, or maybe she'd like to go away one year?

I would message my sister "you said this at the weekend, are you not happy with the setup at Christmas?". Just completely straight, and not argumentative at all, I'd genuinely want to know what was bothering my sister.

I would also think about what YOU want.

I think big family Christmases get tough when multiple of the adult children have several children, it gets too big. I have a toddler and even I am not comfortable with lots of excited children and teens in my house. I don't think you've done anything wrong.

It’s ridiculous to think that 11 people (min) will be comfortable in your house, they just won’t fit as comfortably.

Just ask your sister if she really thinks you should all cram in.

You make a significant contribution, and I am sure you do your share of washing up, cleaning down etc,

I’d take a break from the big family Christmas days if I were you OP. Sounds like you are rather being taken for granted.

How are you supposed to host everybody when you simply don’t have enough room?

In the circs, helping with the expense, and offering to do at least some of the prep, bring/make some of the food in advance, is surely all you can do?

OP, with every post you make I am getting more and more angry about the way your family are treating you.

You are paying way over the odds here. Why should you provide the most expensive food (turkey and ham) and all the drinks and then STILL pay a third of all remaining costs? Especially when there are only two of you. It makes zero sense.

It also sounds as if your sister is bullying you with her comments (I am wondering how you found out about her and your mom passing judgements on you after social events - I presume somebody told you, which is pretty fucking horrible).

Just stop. You don't appear to like these people much, and I can't blame you. So stop pandering to their ridiculous demands.

Spend Xmas with your dad (providing you get on well with him) - either take him for a meal or go over to his if he would be ok with that. And leave them to sort themselves out.

Or, if dad prefers to be with your sisters, you and your husband should please yourselves, either spending more time with his family if you would both enjoy that, or doing something lovely just the two of you. With the money you are saving bank-rolling the bullies, maybe you could afford a couple of nights away? Or just really lush food and drink in your own place.

Fuck them OP. The more you have said, the more unpleasant they sound. And they won't stop, sadly, until you remove their power to treat you like this. I know it's not easy when you are the family scape-goat. But try to seize back your power if you can.

(And I am a huge believer in family and hardly ever advise anyone to fall out with theirs. But in this case, I think you would lose nothing of any value.....)

For reasons related to my disabilities, we really can’t host. I’ve tried, but it just doesn’t work. Our solution is to host the entire family at a restaurant out of our own pocket when it’s our turn. Thankfully we have the disposable income to make that feasible.

Hosting is hard. What you do to support the event feels like enough to me, so I’m thinking that it is the preparation of the house that is stressing your sibling. Ask her if that is where the problem exists. If so, maybe you can help with that or contribute to having a cleaner in.

The more I read from the op, I think you should do your own thing this year, that way taking off the pressure from whoever hosts! But considering you cook the turkey, ham, and other bits, buy all the drinks, plus paying a third of the rest, they might actually have more work and costs for deal with ….

Just have xmas without the siblings

perhaps dad can come to you by himself

Offer to host, then ask them to decide which 2 people are going to attend. Or even which one of them is going to be your dad's plus one

You suggested funding a meal out so do that. Book a restaurant now, ideally somewhere you have enjoyed the food before, and send a proper invite. Add a note that you logistically can't host Christmas so to show how much you appreciate being guests this year it's your treat.

I don't see why she should when she has paid well over the odds in previous years and they are all pretty mean to her from the sounds of it.

It would be fairer if she booked a restaurant and asked them to pay sine random percentage she comes up with that is significantly more than their fair share. Then criticised them after they left.

Could you perhaps off to fund Christmas meal out at a pub / restaurant when it would be your turn to host if that was something you could afford? Even if everyone came back to yours for a hot drink and mince pies afterwards you wouldn’t need a large dining table for that and your dad would just have to leave when he needed the loo

I would host outside the home when it's my turn, lot's of restaurants open on Christmas day!

You sound like you contribute loads.

We host Christmas as we have the biggest living/dining space, downstairs loo and safe garden for kids. I don’t resent my brother at all for living in a flat and not having space- he’s my brother and I love him. He also contributes like you do and puts in a heroic amount of child entertaining.

Offer to host in one of your sibling’s house? So you are in charge of the menu, shopping, cooking, arranging who brings what, decorating the table, serving drinks, tidying up etc

YANBU. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to host at yours, and your family should too.
I do think eating out could be a good compromise, but I don't think you should have to foot the whole cost.

Frequent means happening often or regularly, so yes having your sister round every few weeks is frequently by most people's standards, then you said you have your brother and children round on top of that.

You originally said you are antisocial and rarely have anyone to visit.

We host different sets of people around every two weeks and I would call that frequent. My sister hosts other people once or twice a year at most and I would call that rare. Sounds like you have changed your story on how often you have visitors because of what people are saying about you never hosting anyone the rest of the year, but expecting to be hosted at Christmas.

It makes you sound like an unreliable narrator to be honest.