AIBU to not offer to host Christmas?

[chocolatecoveredpretzels]

I have never hosted my family at Christmas in my own home.

My partner and I are not very sociable people and rarely have anyone to visit. We have a small home, with a living room, kitchen with a table for two but not really room for more seats (maybe 4 at a push), a study with a desk in, one bathroom which is upstairs and our double room plus a small single bedroom. We are childless not through choice.

My two siblings both have children. They have houses with living room, kitchen and dining room as three separate spaces. Both have a downstairs loo and four bedrooms in their houses.

We tend to alternate Christmas Day with my family one year and my partner’s family the next. My dad isn’t very well and can’t manage stairs any more. He’s not really up for hosting all of us (12-14 people in total) so we tend to go to one of my siblings. Dad can get to the downstairs bathroom fine in their homes.

We were talking about plans for this year and my sister made a remark about me hosting ‘for once’. There was a bit of an awkward pause and my BIL changed the subject.

Now I feel like I’m being talked about as the unreasonable sibling who never hosts. It’s both for practical reasons like my dad using the bathroom safely, and due to space. I pull my weight when at my siblings’ houses. I bring joints of meat, drinks and other food. I pay a third of the other costs (split three ways, between sibling households, Dad doesn’t pay, and not in proportion to number of people in each household). I do the washing up.

I’m having a real wobble about it. Should I be trying to find a solution or just hosting and accepting we won’t be able to sit at a table together and dad won’t be able to stay long because of the loo situation? Maybe I need to fund a meal out for everyone instead once every 6 years?

YABU: I am not doing enough and need to work out a way to host
YANBU: What I’m doing is reasonable and enough

I’ve worked as a carer for my most my adult life and have been to hundreds of homes, maybe even more that have this set up.

What do they mean by 'hosting' Christmas? Can't you just go out for a meal together?

We 'host' at our parents as they can no longer come to us.

good for you but I wouldn’t expect my mother who also can’t get upstairs to go to the toilet in a commode when she can go to the toilet independently as long as she can reach it. She would find this arrangement extremely undignified.

Good for you.

@chocolatecoveredpretzels funding a meal out for everyone is a lovey idea and then back to yours for a few drinks / games or arrange to go back to one of siblings’ house to accommodate your dad.

It’s unreasonable to expect a capable man to do his business in the study just because you have a lot of experience of commodes. Should the 3 adult children draw lots on who will go up the stairs to empty it?

I imagine it’s definitely the unseen work that’s the issue. It will take a lot longer to clean their bigger houses for visitors, especially with more people living in them too. Even having to plan, buy and prep the food takes time and energy. If you’re bothered, you could maybe offer to host them for a Christmas buffet for a change. Even that will stretch you in terms of space but it’s doable. If they’re cooking a roast for 12-14, they probably have an extra fridge and oven too. It’s quite a big undertaking.

Just host at your parents.
You do all the things your siblings would do to prep/shop etc and then the siblings come over, they can then help in the way you have when you are hosted.

I voted YANBU.

But I’d be tempted to host them all this year just to show them why your house isn’t suitable. One year’s pain to obtain freedom from expectations.

YABU Op sorry and I think it would be good to take the initiative once every five years and host from a suitably located self catering cottage, village hall, a cafe that’s closed for the season, or air b and b.

For example, we have a mini community theatre with a bar near us that we have hired to host our family. They were happy to hire it to us as it was closed over Christmas. It’s a bit of a faff to work out how to use someone else’s kitchen and you have to make sure the insurance is valid etc but it’s surprising what is available out there. Some small businesses hire out their kitchens and meeting rooms over Christmas nowadays with catering and cleaning all in!

It might be difficult to find a location with a dining room that will accommodate you all this year though as they tend to book up very early. You need to check the rules too and how many people you can invite. But there are creative solutions available!

Your siblings can still contribute to the cost of the lunch but you pay the cost of hosting which they have borne over the years.

make the Dad pee(or do other things) in a commode in the study? why when there is no need?

YANBU especially with respect to your dad not being able to manage the stairs. I think you do your fair share in paying for food and washing up. Explain to your sister how you would struggle to fit everyone in at your house. Maybe she just felt a bit overwhelmed at hosting everyone again. You could also ask if there's anything else you could do to help prepare.

this.

@chocolatecoveredpretzels do you have outdoor space?

It sounds from your initial post as though it's a more recent development that your dad can't manage the stairs anymore? If that's the case, then it's not possible for you to host, but there may be some lingering resentment that you've avoided doing it during the years that you could have hosted (its usually possible to sort out a table and chairs for one day)?

You mention being unsociable types who avoid having visitors so that's obviously been a factor in previous years.

It's plausible that your siblings grudgingly accept that it's no longer feasible for you to host, but think you should have lifted your end sooner. I know you provide food/drinks and help out etc. but it doesn't alleviate the hidden work of hosting, which I know you accepted above.

I think the hosting at home ship has sailed. You probably should offer to host something at a restaurant or something, as previously suggested.

what when there was another option?

No they don't.

The OP pays more than her fair share of the costs compared to other siblings and helps out on the day. This is what I do.

The sibling will know that the OP is not as sociable as them, so why make a big deal out of it?

If the sibling is fed up of hosting, she doesn't have to do it. Everyone can just spend Christmas in their own homes.

I think your sister is just frustrated at hosting and not seeing your contribution. I host every year - mainly because I have the space to do it and I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't be dragging my kids around other houses to see their grandparents. I tun the kitchen island into a buffet station with turkey, ham, trimmings etc in foil dishes and then people can plate up what they want. It also saves space on the tables and you can just about squeeze 12 on my main table once it's fully extended, and then we have a fold up on that seats eight and then you can fit another four stools on the other side of the breakfast bar. It's a squeeze but it's all good fun and I'd rather have a big family Christmas while I can.

I would phone the sister and have a chat if your relationship is up to that. Personally with kids I find it easier hosting if people help out as kids have got their own toys , don't need to cart Christmas stockings around etc . X it may be your sister finds hosting as hard as you do though

We have cooked Christmas dinner every year since 2013. I do find hosting exhausting and it costs a lot, there is a lot of planning that goes in to it and all the shopping, but there is no other options for us. I can see why your siblings grumble, but not sure what the solution is.

There is a huge difference between someone having a commode in their own home and someone else’s.

Depending on the ages of their kids (and as someone with three younger ones) it's be an absolute pain taking the kids to your house and to worry about what carnage they'd let loose on your house. I'd just ask them and explain why you don't think it'd be great.

Good point.

Yes and to add to this it’s actually quite annoying when someone with an unsuitable home insists on hosting.