AIBU to not offer to host Christmas?

[chocolatecoveredpretzels]

I have never hosted my family at Christmas in my own home.

My partner and I are not very sociable people and rarely have anyone to visit. We have a small home, with a living room, kitchen with a table for two but not really room for more seats (maybe 4 at a push), a study with a desk in, one bathroom which is upstairs and our double room plus a small single bedroom. We are childless not through choice.

My two siblings both have children. They have houses with living room, kitchen and dining room as three separate spaces. Both have a downstairs loo and four bedrooms in their houses.

We tend to alternate Christmas Day with my family one year and my partner’s family the next. My dad isn’t very well and can’t manage stairs any more. He’s not really up for hosting all of us (12-14 people in total) so we tend to go to one of my siblings. Dad can get to the downstairs bathroom fine in their homes.

We were talking about plans for this year and my sister made a remark about me hosting ‘for once’. There was a bit of an awkward pause and my BIL changed the subject.

Now I feel like I’m being talked about as the unreasonable sibling who never hosts. It’s both for practical reasons like my dad using the bathroom safely, and due to space. I pull my weight when at my siblings’ houses. I bring joints of meat, drinks and other food. I pay a third of the other costs (split three ways, between sibling households, Dad doesn’t pay, and not in proportion to number of people in each household). I do the washing up.

I’m having a real wobble about it. Should I be trying to find a solution or just hosting and accepting we won’t be able to sit at a table together and dad won’t be able to stay long because of the loo situation? Maybe I need to fund a meal out for everyone instead once every 6 years?

YABU: I am not doing enough and need to work out a way to host
YANBU: What I’m doing is reasonable and enough

Can you afford to pay for lunch out then have everyone round to yours for drinks and mince pies? Dad could use the loo in the restaurant when out, then can use your upstairs loo with help?

In your OP you said you rarely have anyone to visit?

I don't think you should pay more OP. Sounds like you're buying plenty already. I'd have a conversation with your siblings and explain how the comment has made you feel. Reiterate you don't host due to practicality (loo/space), not because you're lazy. Maybe offer to go to the host's house early to help with the cleaning and prep if they're finding that a struggle?

I think it's quite normal things not to be 100% equal in families for exactly these practical considerations. My SIL is in a similar situation in that her flat is small and upstairs. When it's her turn to host, we go out for the meal and just do presents at hers afterwards

I’d host from Dad’s house if he was happy with that. Maybe stay over the night before/after too. Sure he would be pleased for the company & also being able to stay at home where he has easy access to everything.

Oh DF nothing says i love you more at Christmas than making him pee (or other) in a commode in a study, that he knows someone will have to empty out! Why would you think that was suitable? Taking his dignity at xmas! Fantastic.
Its bad enough when elderly people HAVE to do that in their own homes when their homes aren't suitable but to expect an elderly, poorly man to do that as a guest in someone else's home is awful.

Yes, I think they really need to check that op’s dad was happy with this. Some elderly people would love it, but others, when they are normally solitary, might find it a bit overwhelming.

@SandyCastles would you say a visit every three-four weeks is frequent? My brother has people round his house every other day!

Your sister needs to actually speak to you, not make a passive aggressive comment.

@Bloomandbust yes, he does find it overwhelming at Christmas. He’s happy for me to host the bbq in summer. No toys/presents or heightened emotions from the kids. We can be out in his garden.

Well if your dad won't come to your house. Which I completely understand having had two surgeries, been on crutches with an unreliable bladder for a time, there were lot's of places I just couldn't visit for a time.

So there's your answer, does your sister want your dad to miss out?

Do you think your sister could just be ribbing you? Or she's had a bit of an off day? Sometimes we read too much into other's comments which weren't necessarily intentional. Have a conversation,tell them you realise you don't host but you don't have the space or facilitaties, which they know. Tell them how much you appreciate their hosting and tell them you are more than happy to contribute whatever they want. I feel this could be a storm in a teacup.

Perhaps this is in response to the effort or work that goes in to hosting? It is hard work and expensive and if you and your DH sit around as guests while host does the work, perhaps it grates?

Could you maybe speak to your sister and simply ask - do you resent having to host every year because of the expense and effort involved? If so, given our home is tiny and we do not have anywhere for people to sit and eat, would it work better for you if we split the cost this year and I helped in the kitchen so that we prepare everything together? DH can help with the clearing up?

Host them and at the end, pointedly say to your sister that you hope she enjoyed the hosting and that you look forward to hosting every year. Then enjoy as she squirms to wriggle out of coming again. Offer to host every single year. The CF given everything you do to pull your weight!

Just say you don't have room or a downstairs loo. It's the truth and is a perfectly reasonable reason to not host Christmas. Offer to bring a dish of it makes you feel better, but it's not your fault they have bigger houses than you.

The cost of funding a meal out for 14 people, on Christmas Day, would be extortionate.

Ok I have changed my mind, I started out thinking you were unreasonable, but the fact that the big family Christmas meal is a buffet changes things a lot plus your annual hosting of a bbq at your DFs shows you are pulling your weight.

I would speak to your Dsis on your own, not in an accusatory fashion but to see what’s going on. My guess is she’s feeling a bit overstretched due to something completely unrelated to CD, but has chosen to let her frustration leach out at something she feels is unfair. Try not to get defensive, but if she is finding it too much then see if there are any alternative solutions or ways to reduce the burden. Or maybe she will just admit to snapping at a bad moment and now knows it wasn’t fair.

@Alittlefrustrated i don’t mind paying for it. I have more disposable income because I haven’t got the little ones to fund, so I tend to pay more for family things anyway. It feels nice to spoil them a little.

I’m wondering if we should all stay home, with Dad maybe going to one of my siblings so he’s not alone, if he wants, then a meal out after Boxing Day.

@rookiemere you might be onto something there. Maybe I’m being over sensitive because I know that it’s a lot to ask my siblings to host, and maybe she snapped or was joking or is just feeling the pressure.

It sounds like your dad wouldn’t want to come to your house for Christmas anyway! Has your sister got any suggestions about that problem?

I Think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your siblings about how you all feel.

Your sister sounds like a bit of a cow to me tbh. She knows you have a small house and can't physically host. She's happy to let you pay more than your share, thus subsidising her own family. Now you and she might consider that fair, to compensate for the inconvenience of hosting, but that being the case, she needs to acknowledge this and not carp at you. She's getting a good deal in terms of financial and physical help to manage the day and she ought to suck it up and not make you feel bad.
Seems to me like your family are happy to take your money but aren't very nice to you - is there any acknowledgement that Christmas can be hard for those who wanted children but couldn't have them and who are always expected to travel and be endlessly grateful for the privilege of being in their siblings big houses!

Honestly, I'd be tempted to stay home and leave her to it - let her see how much you actually do, each year and how much more it costs her when you aren't subsidising the bill!

It will be. But once every 6 years would be fine. Just don’t contribute to the other 5 years when not hosting. So it balances for everyone.

You don’t all have to be together on Christmas Day OP.

Could you offer to do a boxing day or new year buffet . When dad needs to go.home he could take some food for later on

See them individually for mince pies, carols or Christmas markets throughout December. Have a quiet Christmas Day to yourselves with no stress.