AIBU to not offer to host Christmas?

[chocolatecoveredpretzels]

I have never hosted my family at Christmas in my own home.

My partner and I are not very sociable people and rarely have anyone to visit. We have a small home, with a living room, kitchen with a table for two but not really room for more seats (maybe 4 at a push), a study with a desk in, one bathroom which is upstairs and our double room plus a small single bedroom. We are childless not through choice.

My two siblings both have children. They have houses with living room, kitchen and dining room as three separate spaces. Both have a downstairs loo and four bedrooms in their houses.

We tend to alternate Christmas Day with my family one year and my partner’s family the next. My dad isn’t very well and can’t manage stairs any more. He’s not really up for hosting all of us (12-14 people in total) so we tend to go to one of my siblings. Dad can get to the downstairs bathroom fine in their homes.

We were talking about plans for this year and my sister made a remark about me hosting ‘for once’. There was a bit of an awkward pause and my BIL changed the subject.

Now I feel like I’m being talked about as the unreasonable sibling who never hosts. It’s both for practical reasons like my dad using the bathroom safely, and due to space. I pull my weight when at my siblings’ houses. I bring joints of meat, drinks and other food. I pay a third of the other costs (split three ways, between sibling households, Dad doesn’t pay, and not in proportion to number of people in each household). I do the washing up.

I’m having a real wobble about it. Should I be trying to find a solution or just hosting and accepting we won’t be able to sit at a table together and dad won’t be able to stay long because of the loo situation? Maybe I need to fund a meal out for everyone instead once every 6 years?

YABU: I am not doing enough and need to work out a way to host
YANBU: What I’m doing is reasonable and enough

Her house won’t be any bigger on Boxing Day!

It doesn't sound feasible to host but yabu not to have an open conversation about it. Hosting is a lot of work and if you never host you need to talk about how that works for everyone else.

Given your updates you are more than pulling your weight. As others have said, chat to your sister(s) and find out if they want to change the arrangement. You really don't have to all get together at Christmas. Might you enjoy a solo Christmas just the two of you sometimes?

I think I would address the situation very genuinely as you’re done here.

“Siblings, I just want to chat about Christmas. It’s true we haven’t hosted at our place, and the reason we haven’t done so so far is not that we don’t want to but we don’t really have the space, and no downstairs loo for Dad. I hoped we were making up for this by paying a third of the cost and bringing xyz. If you don’t think that is doing our bit, please do say!

We can do it at mine if you don’t mind all eating off your laps and someone can work out a loo solution for Dad. Then we’ll just work out a third of the costs each, and if you could bring the things I usually do, which is x y and z, I’ll happily do the prep work etc”

The obvious answer is offer to host, as in buying and cooking the meal at one of their houses? Yes I do think you need to make some effort after years of being hosted so this would be a fair compromise. Some show of willingness to share the Christmas responsibility of preparing for others will go a long way. Xx

Or adult nappies perhaps?
A cat litter tray?
Fit him with a catheter?

Do they actually like you and want you over?

It already sounds to me like you are martyring yourself and going above and beyond what with all the washing up and buying stuff and paying for more than your fair share of meals out and God knows what.

I have a large extended family, and as a child, my parents or my aunt used to host Christmas, as they were the only ones with space. We used to have about 14 for Christmas dinner and another 12 used to come in the evening for a party and stay over. People used to either pay for stuff or bring food and drink - my uncle used to bring the wine and Champagne, someone else would bring soft drinks, a ham etc. It worked well and there was never any snarkiness about those who couldn’t host because they lived in a small flat.

I would openly chat to your siblings about it. Regardless of how they sugar coat it its clear they hold resentment. It doesnt matter that you dont have kids and have a small house. You are focusing on issues, they could equally make up reasons they dont think they can host.
i find hosting very stressful. Its the planning, cleaning the house before then after, putting out chairs, putting back chairs, decorations, cutlery plates cups, organising etc. bringing a joint of meat and washing the dishes is not as stressful as hosting.
my family members all take turns hosting. My mum has a tiny unit so she once hired a small hall at a community centre to host us. We dont expect it every time its her turn but the fact she one time went to such an effort us so appreciated
I recommend you raise it and if you cannot offer to host ask what you can do to make it fair. Rather than offering to wash the dishes ask them what they would feel is a good solution.

Is it though? Does having a small place mean you get out of hosting? I find hosting stressful perhaps I should get a smaller place. Many people are getting smaller places and apartments these days due to housing being expensive.

Maybe it’s got too much for the hosters. It’s a lot. Perhaps this year they just have dad and the others stay in your own homes but meet for one meal. It’s a peril of having 3 kids it’s just too much to host 3 families so you end up splitting off.

How do you suggest she deal with the lack of space issue and her dad not being able to get to the loo?

As the sibling who has done the vast majority of Christmas hosting I honestly feel outraged when my parents and siblings say they don't have space then all pile in for three days over Christmas thinking they've done their bit because they bring some food and do a bit of washing up. Went to one of my 'no space' siblings houses for Xmas last year and while everyone else felt it was cramped etc I had the best Xmas in years. You have no idea of the strain of hosting until you've done it. Having said that I think just doing lunch is fine. It's when they stay a couple of nights that it turns into hosting hell. I would offer to cook at your dad's house or take everyone out to lunch - they may say don't worry but they will appreciate the effort

@16usernamechangesin17years well, that is possibly also part of the issue. My mum didn’t like me as much as my siblings. The reasons were mostly due to a quite traumatic birth (which I now accept she blamed me for, but was not actually my fault) and also her not understanding my introversion as I got older.

Now I’m wondering if they all just need a break from me, rather than a break from hosting.

I am grateful for all the comments. It’s clearly a contentious issue and I never want my siblings to feel like I’m taking the piss.

The fact you say we never have visitors and are not sociable people makes me think you don’t want to do this regardless of space am I right OP? and that’s OK not everyone is confident enough or enjoys hosting in their home. Nevertheless you have a valid excuse in that you simply don’t have the room to accommodate everyone and your father so a frank conversation is needed with your sister

We have a much smaller house than my brother after recently downsizing. We too, take it in turns each year. We have 12 people to host so there's no way we can do a sit down Christmas lunch as we don't have a big enough room.

What we did was have a Christmas buffet. Turkey, rolls, salad, homemade bits and pieces, nice cakes etc. It worked well. There was no other way to do it.

We do have a downstairs toilet though so that's not an issue.

Can't you ask your family to share the cost?

Could you pay for everything in one of the family who do have room and do all the prep there as well. Or do it all at home and take it to someone's house who has room? Or do a barbeque in the summer to reciprocate the Christmas dinner, so people could spread outside at least. Or use dad's house if he has room and doesn't mind the disruption. Can dad get upstairs with help or he can't do stairs at all?

@Empress13 having people over is not something I enjoy, I admit. I don’t avoid it altogether, though.

Even when my sister just pops over for some food, I worry about whether she’s having a good time and what she thinks about my small house compared to hers and what she’ll tell the others after. She and my mum used to ‘report back’ after visits behind my back. I can get a bit fixated on it, and that makes the experience more fraught.

When my in laws became older we hosted at their house. It was where they felt comfortable and had all the things they might need nearby. Could you host at your parents house?

@chirrupybird I already host a summer bbq at my dad’s place every year.

For Christmas, I cook the turkey, make ham, bread rolls and pastries, plus take a couple of salads, I provide all the drinks, then pay a third of whatever remaining costs the hosts say.

Very few people actually enjoy hosting, having to organise and clean the house then organise and cook then clean up after. It’s a nightmare maybe she just doesn’t want to do it and feels it’s unfair you never have.

I have a much smaller house than my sibling but they never host Christmas. No idea why but it seems to have fallen to me. So I just squeeze everyone in, have a great day, then once they’ve all gone home, I’ll not see them till mid January at the earliest.

OP, there has been a lot of conversation about what your siblings might want and what is expected but what do you want? Do you like going to others at Xmas or would you prefer a quiet one at home with your own food and drink? Do you enjoy the day with your siblings? If yes then you might have to offer to take a turn hosting this year, even if that is at your parents. You’re not going to know how everyone is truly feeling about the hosting situation until you ask. Have you got a family chat group where you could put a message out there to everyone for you all to discuss?

I find it odd that your siblings would even expect you to host. Presumably they have been to your house so know it isn't suitable for hosting a large group. Plus they are the larger families with children so surely it makes better sense to be in the children's homes. You're definitely not unreasonable.