AIBU to not offer to host Christmas?

[chocolatecoveredpretzels]

I have never hosted my family at Christmas in my own home.

My partner and I are not very sociable people and rarely have anyone to visit. We have a small home, with a living room, kitchen with a table for two but not really room for more seats (maybe 4 at a push), a study with a desk in, one bathroom which is upstairs and our double room plus a small single bedroom. We are childless not through choice.

My two siblings both have children. They have houses with living room, kitchen and dining room as three separate spaces. Both have a downstairs loo and four bedrooms in their houses.

We tend to alternate Christmas Day with my family one year and my partner’s family the next. My dad isn’t very well and can’t manage stairs any more. He’s not really up for hosting all of us (12-14 people in total) so we tend to go to one of my siblings. Dad can get to the downstairs bathroom fine in their homes.

We were talking about plans for this year and my sister made a remark about me hosting ‘for once’. There was a bit of an awkward pause and my BIL changed the subject.

Now I feel like I’m being talked about as the unreasonable sibling who never hosts. It’s both for practical reasons like my dad using the bathroom safely, and due to space. I pull my weight when at my siblings’ houses. I bring joints of meat, drinks and other food. I pay a third of the other costs (split three ways, between sibling households, Dad doesn’t pay, and not in proportion to number of people in each household). I do the washing up.

I’m having a real wobble about it. Should I be trying to find a solution or just hosting and accepting we won’t be able to sit at a table together and dad won’t be able to stay long because of the loo situation? Maybe I need to fund a meal out for everyone instead once every 6 years?

YABU: I am not doing enough and need to work out a way to host
YANBU: What I’m doing is reasonable and enough

It's not your fault that your sister chose to have a bigger house that's more suitable for hosting! She can say no if she doesn't want to host; nobody is obligated to.

Some people rely far too heavily on other people doing what they want them to do.

You sound lovely, generous and thoughtful. Siblings in large houses can’t expect you to host in your tiny house, it would be uncomfortable for everyone. It’s not unfair that you don’t host, it’s being practical. I’d love as a host to have a sibling bring me sides if cooked meat, to pay a third - apart from all that, anyone doing the washing up would be my favourited sibling ever! You’re sister might be frustrated as what she perceives to be the unfairness of it, maybe she hates hosting , why not have a family chat to find out the actual issue.

Id give your sister a pen and paper and ask her to come up with a seating plan for these 12 odd people. And with a toilet strategy.

This

Can you cook and host at your dad’s house? That is what I would offer (after checking with your dad first)

She hasn’t got room or a downstairs toilet for her Dad ?

We have some friends like this - “we can’t host, we don’t have the space”. And I get it to some extent, but what I think they don’t get is all the invisible work that goes into hosting. The planning, shopping and clearing up. And I’d be very happy to squish up round a smaller table or sit on the floor on occasion just to have someone cook the meal for me. And to be able to choose when to finish the evening. All the bits that go with being the guest and not the person hosting. I’d talk to your sister about how you might make it work.

Retracted after I saw you pay your way.

Yes we’ve been doing it since 2011, we are both only children so only parents and in laws but I’m still surprised when other people go to their parents when they are quite old - the children I mean. I am a bit jealous but of their set up not wanting my mum to host as she shuns fat and sugar so it would be very parsimonious!

envious probably rather than jealous.

I’ve said yabu as I think you should host at your dad’s house or pay for a meal out once in a while. It’s shit always being the ones people go to, because x and y excuse / reason. I do appreciate you’ve given much more than the people, who pissed me off ever did, however, there is so much extra work hosting yourself than bringing a bit of food or helping with the washing up.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your viewpoints.

My Dad has been in a single-storey house for as long as I’ve lived in this house. He’s never visited here because of the loo situation, even for a short while. He’s two hours’ drive away from me.

On the years we meet up together, it is a buffet situation anyway. We don’t do a full Christmas dinner by agreement because it’s too much for the host. It’s more like a Boxing Day-style selection of turkey, pork and ham, savoury pastries, salads, nice bread, dips, crudités etc. Sorry for the drip feed- my OP was so long already!

Ywah go to a restaurant and pay

Having people round for dinner , drinks , cooking. Hosting.

@ExtraHotDoubleShot did you even read my posts?

Have you told your siblings the lack of space, the toilet issue, your dad? I can't see how they can think you're being unreasonable. I presume it's not about costs as you contribute, as well as chores?

If you want to take them all out every few years, by all means.

Does that preclude you from being able to stay over his and do the buffet there?

How does she expect you to host 12-14 people without a dining room but only a table that only seats 4?

That's so unreasonable that it sounds to me like she's angling for you and your DP to take everyone out for Xmas lunch, as a kind of "penance" for never hosting!!!!

@Mummyoflittledragon i would be happy to host at my dad’s for Christmas and have offered to do that before. He isn’t too keen on all the grandkids being in his bungalow at the same time in the winter, and my siblings don’t really want to travel more than two hours away to get to his place on Christmas Day. I do a summer bbq at his place when we can sit out in the garden and the kids can play out.

@Ilovelurchers I do find the family Christmas years quite hard. Seeing my siblings with their happy little ones and knowing I can’t have that is tough. But that’s not their fault and I’d rather put up with the envy than miss out on my nieces and nephews’ Christmas joy.

Forgetting Christmas for a second, didn't you ever invite your dad round to yours at all?

I have the opposite situation to yours, as we are the ones with the bigger house, and one of my sisters has a smaller house, sounds about the same amount of space as your description. She always expects to come here for everything, but never invites me to theirs for anything.. it's not because of space it's because they just don't want to have to clean the house and pay for food, yet she says it's "space", she never used to invite my mum round who was on her own either.. so that always fell to me too. Her old house had lots of space and she never hosted then either, some people just don't want to do it because of the effort and expense, which is fine, but don't just assume that other people are going to be happy to host you all the time instead.

I do love hosting so it's never an issue for me to do anything about it, but to be honest the expectation annoys me at times, especially when it is us forking out for it, not the fact that she never hosts. Sounds like whatever that conversation you had with your sister rubbed her up the wrong way, so instead of being weird about hosting Christmas, which you obviously can't do even if you wanted to, why not consider making more of an effort to invite fewer family members around at a time throughout the year?

@SandyCastles yes, they are invited round. My sister comes for dinner every few weeks, my brother brings his girls round and we go to the park nearby. My dad has never accepted an invite to my house.

As you don't have room, a downstairs loo, and can't host at your father's home, YANBU. You're already pulling more than your own weight with food and cleaning. I'd probably discuss it all with your sister (to gently remind her that you're not shirking your duty, but simply don't have a home set up for hosting a large group) and possibly offer to come around a day or two before to clean or earlier on the day to help with last-minute tidying. She most likely won't take you up on it, but at least then you've made the gesture and it may help her feel that you appreciate the effort involved in hosting.

My partner and I are not very sociable people and rarely have anyone to visit. We have a small home, with a living room, kitchen with a table for two but not really room for more seats (maybe 4 at a push), a study with a desk in, one bathroom which is upstairs and our double room plus a small single bedroom.

The first sentence is all we needed here. The rest is just excuses, really. Even if you had children and that had necessitated a bigger house, you'd still be finding reasons not to host, because you don't like hosting.

My BIL and SIL are like you. They live in a small house because there is only two of them, they never host because they don't like it, so why would they need a bigger house to fit other people in? So they continue to have the eternal excuse of 'but we can't host because....' or 'it's just so much easier and more practical at yours...'

If you want to do your bit and make a point to your SIL, then say 'sure, we'll take a turn. It seems fair. Please bring a tray and a camping chair for each person. We'll have to do a buffet or a meal of mostly ready prepped stuff rather than an all bells and whistles roast, because we can't manage that for 12 people in my little kitchen and my tiny table, but we'll make it work somehow. I'll hire a portaloo for Dad and we'll put it in the front garden. Or perhaps we can hire a stairlift?'

Everyone will squash in, eat off their lap, sit uncomfortably in a small room while trying to socialise, the kids will be fed up after two hours, the adults will be fed up after two hours, they will go home early and never ask you again. But you'll have done it.

Does your Mum shun the fat and sugar when eating at your house though?😉

How about going out and everyone pays for themselves?

It doesn’t make sense for you to host for obvious reasons. Your dad can’t easily access the bathroom and you have a tiny home set up for two people including a small table with two chairs… Need you say anymore?