Mum died, family fallen apart

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

When my mum first died (2 years ago) my sister and I seemed to get very close. However for at least the last year she seems to really hate me and it hurts when I can't think of a single thing I've done to hurt her.
She lives with my dad. I like to go and see my dad weekly but when I do she literally doesn't speak to me. I have tried to initiate conversation but she never responds or she might laugh but doesn't extend the conversation. She doesn't speak to my kids or husband either. I don't think my dad notices because she'll still talk to him when I'm there.
I did ask her if I'd upset her and she said no but then walked off. I have two brothers too and while I do love them and get on with them we don't see each other much or really have a lot in common as they're quite a bit older.
What breaks my heart the most is my mum was always about family. She and my dad didn't really have any close friends but they had each other and they were happiest when all the kids and grandkids were round. She'd even left us a note written quite a while before she died asking us all to look after each other.
Instead I've been frozen out by my sister and I'm angry with one of my brothers and SIL because they excluded my son from a family event.
I honestly think when my dad dies I'll probably never see any of my family again and that hurts.
I'm considering just cutting them off now, apart from my dad, but it hurts. I don't want to cut them off but it seems they've already made their choice.
Is there any way I can bring my family back together or do I need to accept they just don't like me.

A lot of information missing here. How old is your sister? Have you actually tried asking her what’s wrong?

Is she jealous?
does she feel you coming once a week vs her with him everyday is unfair in some way?
does she have children?

My sister is 50 and I'm 5 years younger. I did ask if I'd done something to upset her, she said no and walked away. She lives with my dad because she and her ex husband split up. She did help more with my mum towards the end of her life because she was living there. My dad doesn't require any care, still drives, able to go out, cooks etc. She has a DC (older teen).
Perhaps she does want me to go over more often but she must know I can't really. Two of my children have SEN and it's an hour drive there and back.
My DH thinks she's depressed as she's lost her job, husband and home and while I understand that it doesn't explain why she's turned cold to me. My life isn't exactly perfect either.

A weekly visit to see your Dad. And she just happens to be there because she now has no choice.

Do you ever visit to see her? If Dad is still independent. Could you arrange a visit just you and your sister. I appreciate with Sen kids an evening out might not be possible. But how about a mooch round a garden centre and a coffee?

And I agree with your husband, she’s depressed.

Have you ever invited your sister to yours? Took her out for coffee or meal? Phoned her to see how her day is?

My mum died in August and yeh family has fallen apart too. It wasn't much of a family in the first place.
Anyway I've decided I can't be around my sister anymore (or the rest of them) as its all smiles from them. I was treated appallingly by them all for about 37 years (I'm now 44) and so I cant stand being fake like nothing happened. Is that something similar with your sister perhaps?

Could you arrange something social with just you and your sister. Cinema, coffee, walk, dinner whatever she’d enjoy. She might feel like you only see her because you are seeing your dad. Not that you see her for being with her.

Is it something to do with your kids? Your brother didn’t invite your child to something so maybe there’s something going on

Your sister lives with your dad and has probably been placed in the carer role , she probably sees once a week visit as dipping in spending time with your dad but with none of the burden of helping grieving dad. You are visiting your dad once a week what do you do solely with your sister.

I have invited her to our house plenty of times she doesn't want to come. I offered to take her to afternoon tea and she declined. There's only so many times I can invite someone out before I stop. When I used to go over to my dad's, when my mum was still alive, my sister and I would chat and laugh, even go out together. It's not me who's changed. I try and talk to her but like I said she doesn't respond, doesn't even say hi. I don't know why. I asked if I've upset her or done something wrong and she said no.
My brother didn't want my youngest at the family event because he's got severe special needs. My SIL apparently said she didn't want him invited so none of us went because we thought it was an appalling way to treat family (and before anyone asks we don't expect anyone to take care of him, either me or my husband do that).

Same/similar situation happened when my DM died. About 3 weeks after her funeral we were together to clear the house…I knew leaving that day I’d likely never be in contact with any of my 3 siblings. This came to pass until my Dsis died suddenly last year. We got together to do what had to be done…and nothing since. We’re just different people with different lives to lead.

Drop the rope OP.

Sometimes a death brings people together. Sometimes the opposite.

Keep visiting Dad but stop trying with Sis - a Hello/Bye will suffice.

She doesn't owe you a relationship.

do you have your dad come to yours at all? I would imagine your sister knows that caring for your dad will fall to her, she has also had a lot of life changes, you can’t make her talk to you and it might not be anything you have done but can you offer practical help with anything? Give her a break occasionally?

It's just incredibly sad. I miss my mum and now it feels like I have family left. Obviously still have my dad and my eldest brother and I usually speak once a fortnight but I guess I just miss the relationship I used to have with my sister.i will always leave the door open if she ever wants to talk to me.
I'm lucky, I know I have my husband and kids who are my priority but I don't even like taking them with me because as I said my sister doesn't talk to them either. Seems like as a whole family we've upset her.

Start taking dad to yours once a month, out somewhere nice once a week and two visits at his home.

Also start seeing your sister separately, a coffee once a fortnight sonething like that. She might just need a sister and friend not someone popping in once a week to see dad if that makes sense.

i am estranged from my siblings, their choice. I haven’t seen any family for two years, it hurts every day.

Dad won't travel that far, even if I drove him but I can take him out somewhere local to him. I have invited her out a few times but she always says no. It really does hurt.

She may well resent you if she did the lions share of the caring for your mum.

How much care did your DM need ?I wonder if she is upset because she did a lot for her because she lived there, which possibly wasn’t acknowledged or she didn’t feel supported.

I would not go no contact. At all. I would have an eye to the future. And who looks after your father’s money.
Has he made a Will or a POA ?

Avoiding you, I would suggest something is planned or has been done which she is a bit ashamed of.

I’m sorry for your loss; it is a heavy blow to lose your mother
As others have suggested, why arent you inviting your father to your house too? Sunday lunch is the obvious one, as it may have been a family ritual for him when your mother was alive. He could drive over in the morning and leave after tea, say.
It sounds like your visits to his house are the only times you see him, so giving him a change of scene would be good, and it’d provide a smoother background for proposing seeing your sister on her own at other times.
(I wonder is she feeling trapped there and blaming you in her head for this though she knows it was her choice to move there….people often act this way when they are at odds with themselves, and she is perhaps realising her position in the family has become a very different one now)

Did you visit weekly even before your mum died?

Could be loads of reasons, feeling like she's been left behind after splitting up with husband and jealous if you're settled, that she's 50 and living with dad, being a carer to your mum, and now your dad (even if she doesn't do much, she may be worrying about him). She could've fallen into depression and weirdly blamed you... anyway, without her telling you what it is then there's not much you can do. You're not a mind reader - it's very hard to put something right unless you know what the wrong is.

Keep seeing your dad, keep being kind to your sister (but protect yourself), chat to your brothers, and maybe she will open up. If not then yes, you'll not have any relationship when your dad passes but that's not on you. The thing about your child not being invited is really shitty though.

I would just quietly cut her off. No need for a big argument or confrontation. Just stop asking how she is, stop inviting her out etc

She’s obviously lying when she says there is nothing up. Why should you have to tip toe around her and be left confused?

This is sadly very common OP and a parents worst nightmare. Don't go no contact, that would make everything worse. There are many explanations for her behaviour and it might not even be about you. She could be depressed, she might be jealous because you have a family, she might resent caring for her parents. None of which is your fault.

I'm curious as to what your Dad thinks. Maybe he can suss her out? Or maybe a brother can talk to her? She might not want a confrontation. That's how communication is done in my family, always by stealth. Not the healthiest approach but it works in the end.

They all seem to be very dismissive of the massive stress you have in your life with a SEN child. Visiting once a week is a lot of effort for you and your SIL sounds nasty too. It's tough on you after losing your Mum

Just say to her, unless she tells you what her problem is, you're no longer going to engage. If she still won't speak about it, there's nothing more you can do. Just ignore her when you visit your dad and don't feel bad about it.