Mum died, family fallen apart

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

When my mum first died (2 years ago) my sister and I seemed to get very close. However for at least the last year she seems to really hate me and it hurts when I can't think of a single thing I've done to hurt her.
She lives with my dad. I like to go and see my dad weekly but when I do she literally doesn't speak to me. I have tried to initiate conversation but she never responds or she might laugh but doesn't extend the conversation. She doesn't speak to my kids or husband either. I don't think my dad notices because she'll still talk to him when I'm there.
I did ask her if I'd upset her and she said no but then walked off. I have two brothers too and while I do love them and get on with them we don't see each other much or really have a lot in common as they're quite a bit older.
What breaks my heart the most is my mum was always about family. She and my dad didn't really have any close friends but they had each other and they were happiest when all the kids and grandkids were round. She'd even left us a note written quite a while before she died asking us all to look after each other.
Instead I've been frozen out by my sister and I'm angry with one of my brothers and SIL because they excluded my son from a family event.
I honestly think when my dad dies I'll probably never see any of my family again and that hurts.
I'm considering just cutting them off now, apart from my dad, but it hurts. I don't want to cut them off but it seems they've already made their choice.
Is there any way I can bring my family back together or do I need to accept they just don't like me.

And how do you get on with your SIL and brother? What is the dynamic there?
While your disagreement with your brother may not have been a major event from your perspective, I wonder how big a deal it is for them, particularly if there was already tension in the relationship.

It may very well be that she feels more bonded to your SIL and brother, and instead of staying out of it she’s chosen to pick a side and follow their lead in icing you out.

How is she with other people? Does she see friends? How is she with your brothers and their families? It may not be personal at all, if she's depressed it may be a general malaise/ difficulty conversation and socialising, and she just needs you to hang in there through the difficult times.

Have you tried expressing concern about her? Not making it about you, (ie not asking if you've done something, or saying you're upset) but about her. Just say she doesn't seem to be herself and ask her if she wants to talk.

She sounds so different to how she was l would be inclined to think she is depresseed @Stressedoutmummyof3.
I am so sorry for you all it sounds as if the loss of your Mum has caused a severe rift that needs something to happen to put it right . As for your Sil what a cow . She obviously ruled the roost with your brother and what she says goes . Don't give up on your sister if anything l would visit more and take the children as well. Good luck to you all .

Is this definitely about you? A key rule in life is that most people aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are. Her mother has died, he life is landlocked. Possibly she doesn't want to get drawn into conversations that make her look at / admit to the state she is in. You can cut her off but without knowing what is going on inside her head, that seems to me like a BAD response.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 Could your sis be worried about inheritance? If she lives in your old parental home without anywhere else to go it could be a strong factor. And she also did the lions share of caring for your mum. So perhaps she feels she should get the house when your dad passes and that you are in some way a threat to that.

I would wonder how much she is cross at you in support of her brother and you not going to his wedding.
I can see it from your side. Your son is 100% part of the family and should have been invited.
But I can also see it from your brother and his wife’s side. Looking at your other posts your son sounds quite disruptive on occasions. They might have wanted their day to not be at risk of disruption. None of you going sounds like a massive stand to have taken as a family. You could at least have gone alone as his sister.
You must have anticipated that having a fall out?
Could she have decided to treat all of you like she feels you treated your brother?

She was like that before though so I really don't think it's to do with us not attending. Yes I could have gone alone but would you really go somewhere where your child wasn't wanted. He's their nephew, not a stranger. I don't allow him to disturb important events. I would have sat near the back and taken him out if need be., which I said but apparently that wasn't good enough.

There are a range of things that have happened that would explain her anger at you. You may not agree with her which is fine, but surely you can understand why she might feel angry?
She cared for your mum, lost her home, job and husband, will now be helping out your father. You suggested going out with your father, when maybe she wants a break from your father? You also refused to go to your brother's wedding.

There is a lot going on. I am actually a bit perplexed that you couldn't imagine why she might be avoiding you,

@Stressedoutmummyof3 the more you say the more I think you might not be realising your part in what is going on here.

It is easy to look at all of the stuff that your sister has going on and point to that being the problem while not recognise that maybe your expectations from your family and your behaviour arising from those expectations are contributing to the dynamic.

Okay I will accept it's my fault she's not speaking to me as that seems to be the general Idea. I thought asking her out and offering to take my dad out were the right things to do but I guess not so I'll stop m
However I refuse to think the wedding was my fault. I'm literally shocked so many people think it's fine to exclude a 6 year old from a wedding and wonder if you'd feel the same if it was your child. I'm always hearing on here no is a complete sentence and it's an invitation not a summons but I guess that's not right either.
I seem to be getting everything wrong so maybe I'll just stop trying. I genuinely don't want to make things worse.

It will do. Start with small steps take dad out twice a month when you visit him so your sister gets a bit of a break. That’s your time with dad not with sister.

and start very small with your sister. When you see dad on one of the other weeks suggest she pops out for a walk or had a bit of free time as you are busy with dad then make everyone some tea when she’s home so she doesn’t have to that day.

at other times just send her a text saying hi thinking of you today and so on.

I think she’s going through a really hard time.

It wasnt ok to exclude your younger child no. But it was their wedding and their choice. The best thing would have been to leave your child with your DH and attend. But that’s in the past now so nothing you can do about it.

i am not trying to sound like I’m picking on you. My siblings are NC with me (I don’t know why) and you don’t want it to get to my level.

I’m trying to help you see that your sister is going through a lot. and you need to eventually get to a level where you have a chat with her away from dad and definitely not with your family in your family home as that will add to it all for her. Things can improve

My point was it might have been nice to invite her for a catch up just the two of you.

In terms of the wedding it's fine not going, but you must have realised it could lead to a family fall out.

When you sad he was excluded from a family event I thought you meant a family get together not a wedding.

I have an autistic child who at 6 would have struggled to attend a wedding because it would be too much for him. You know your son gets overwhelmed, which is what I presume that other posters mean by him being disruptive in other settings, so your brother felt the wedding might have been beyond his capacity. Plenty of people don’t have nieces and nephews at weddings especially if it is beyond their capacity,

I’m really not understanding why you dug your heels in on that.

Missing your brother’s wedding was a huge deal @Stressedoutmummyof3 surely you can see that.

Can I be the one to point out that your life hasn’t exactly turned out stress free either! Those saying it’s your fault are making assumptions / guesses as that’s all we / you can do as your sister refuses to engage.

You’ve tried but unless she actually discusses whatever issue she has, as an adult should, then ignore her. She clearly isn’t considering the difficulties you’re facing.

I wouldn’t have excluded your child either. You’re either family or you’re not.

What was wrong with you going alone while you’re child remained with his father at home?

If your son has a history of being disruptive, then them not wanting him to attend is understandable. Of course you say you’d take him out, but do they believe that you actually would? And what level of disruption would have already occurred before you did that?

Oh my goodness. I'm regretting starting this thread. You have no idea about my parenting and I am perfectly capable of removing him before any disruption occured. I know his cues, I know what to look for. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself knowing DS was excluded and I refuse to believe people saying they wouldn't have cared if their child was excluded. People don't have to attend weddings. if it was so important for me to be there then they could have invited all of us. They didn't so I guess we weren't that important to them
And that is a separate issue to my sister because she was like this before anyone was invited. I was just looking for some support on how I could make things better with my sister. That's all.
I'm going to try and have one more talk this week, no blame, just asking if she wants to talk about anything. If she says no I will just say if she changes her mind I'm here. Then I will leave her so she doesn't feel pressured.

I don’t think offering a talk will help. You need to show you are there spend a little time with her. Spend more time with your dad so she’s not the only one. A talk doesn’t give her anything she might need. If I was her in this scenario I would be exactly the same tbh (I have mental health based illnesses so that might be why).

don’t invite her to yours with the kids or anything at all along those lines as that stuff has potentially added to the problem.

it sounds like you need to be seeing more of your father so she gets a decent break and also quality time with your sister as well.

I know you have one young child but you have a husband he can look after his own child so you can start rebuilding your relationship with your sister.

OP, I don't think it's about what went down regarding your son and your brother's wedding. I highly doubt that your sister would take such a stand about that, given that it wasn't her own wedding but your brother's. I feel that it's almost certainly about her thinking you weren't there enough for your mum and now your dad. She lives there and so did much, much more, and was there for all the horror of it all. I have been in her shoes, the sister living with a sick, elderly parent. There are truly terrible moments, like in my case when my dad collapsed in the shower and another time when he had a bad reaction to some meds and went temporarily loopy. He thought I was trying to poison him. It is truly awful to be on your own with the patient at times like that. Even though she wasn't on her own when your mum was ill, as your dad was there, she might still resent that you didn't have to live with it all.

I know that you have your challenges with your SEN children, and so I don't share your sister's possible viewpoint that you got off lightly. I actually think once a week visit from you is pretty generous. My sis rarely came, and when she did, we were treated to 36 hours and that was it. (2.6 - 3.5 hour drive for her, depending on traffic.) But from your sister's point of view, she had to be there for your mum's sickness and you didn't. She may also not realise how hard it is to care for SEN children or what your challenges are.

She might wonder why you couldn't let your DH look after the children for 3-4 days sometimes so that you could have stayed with your folks. And given her a break. I cannot describe how hard it is looking after a sick parent with no break.

Anyway, I have been your sister. Like her, I was free to live with Dad when sick and take care of him, as I'd split up with my husband too. It is hard to be the sister under the constant strain and witnessing all the suffering and having lost your marriage, while your sibling, with her intact marriage, waltzes in and out for a handful of hours occasionally and then back to her home and husband.

This is why, fair or not, I think it's almost certainly to do with unevenly split caregiving duties.

But it's very difficult when someone won't talk to you and won't tell you why. Maybe she just needs time to simmer down and move past it. I think you should leave her be for the foreseeable future, except obviously still get her a card/present etc at birthday and Christmas, and check in with her sometimes. But I would give her some space. And I wouldn't get the special gift this birthday. She'll see it as pressure.

Do you think she'll see it as pressure? Maybe I'll keep the present for next year then and get her some wine and a voucher instead. That's more on the level of what I normally buy.

But being in a loud busy wedding frok day to night would have been really stressful for a young kid. I don’t get it- this seems the wrong thing to take offence over.
Cant you speak to your sister? Say you’re worried about her, ask if you can help her with anything. She’s been through everything you have but the additional trauma of a divorce and having to live at her parents home aged 50 with your dad needing care. If she doesn’t have kids herself, she can’t fully grasp what that requires let alone the additional needs involved for you.

In her eyes (maybe) you pop in once a week to see him/them, and she may feel you have it all and feel really jealous and sad. She may feel all she has to look forward to is caring for your dad alone, then homelessness for herself when your dad dies. does she have a job she likes or has she fallen into being your dads carer without any discussion as a family? Does your dad need a social care assessment?
What is happening to his home and to your sister when he dies? What does his will say? All of you siblings need to get together to talk about it.

That would be a nasty thing to do - to cut off the sibling who cared for your mother and is now left with the prospect of caring for your father. She's lost her partner, her mother and now her job. Life must seem pretty bleak to her. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but it probably goes a long way towards explaining it.

Perhaps you were never that close as a family OP? You were close to mum... what about others? Sometimes when a parent passes away, this lack of connection becomes really obvious, as family members drift apart, through no one's fault.

If your sister is not interested, I'd accept it and give her space.

On the side note, your son's autistic. Is there anyone else with similat traits in your family?

HRTWT but have read all op's.
You seem to have been getting a hard time on here judging by your responses but I can't think why. You did the right thing about the wedding - all for one and one for all! - and would hope most families would understand.

Going back to your sister, is she worried about where she and her son/daughter will live once your dad's gone and will she be expected to provide all the care for him while you drop in once a week? Is she looking to the future and feeling scared? Perhaps she takes these worries out on you just because she can. Is it time for dad to revisit his will? It's a miserable situation for both of you and I hope you sort it out 💐

OP, I gave sympathy for you.
you’ve been through a tough time and are grieving.
you don’t appear to have done anything offend your sis.

I don’t think this is about you. It’s her. Not that she’s done anything wrong either.

It sounds as though she may be depressed. If I were you, I’d keep showing her love without using words. Give her time. See if you can enable her to have space and time alone at home - I know that I feel hemmed in if I don’t get the house to myself every now and then. Take dad out. Keep suggesting going out with her when you visit. Send her the odd WhatsApp during the week to touch base.