Mum died, family fallen apart

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

When my mum first died (2 years ago) my sister and I seemed to get very close. However for at least the last year she seems to really hate me and it hurts when I can't think of a single thing I've done to hurt her.
She lives with my dad. I like to go and see my dad weekly but when I do she literally doesn't speak to me. I have tried to initiate conversation but she never responds or she might laugh but doesn't extend the conversation. She doesn't speak to my kids or husband either. I don't think my dad notices because she'll still talk to him when I'm there.
I did ask her if I'd upset her and she said no but then walked off. I have two brothers too and while I do love them and get on with them we don't see each other much or really have a lot in common as they're quite a bit older.
What breaks my heart the most is my mum was always about family. She and my dad didn't really have any close friends but they had each other and they were happiest when all the kids and grandkids were round. She'd even left us a note written quite a while before she died asking us all to look after each other.
Instead I've been frozen out by my sister and I'm angry with one of my brothers and SIL because they excluded my son from a family event.
I honestly think when my dad dies I'll probably never see any of my family again and that hurts.
I'm considering just cutting them off now, apart from my dad, but it hurts. I don't want to cut them off but it seems they've already made their choice.
Is there any way I can bring my family back together or do I need to accept they just don't like me.

Yes wondering this too. Its not usual for the main care giver to be pissed off with family members after the person they cared for passed away.

I cared for a family member with a terminal illness and I went no contact with the other family members as all I got was excuses "im working, im busy, you decide what to do I can't decide." Etc. Damn right, I resent them all.

She's just taking her disappointment at life out on you. Some people do. Rather than accept her failed marriage, job loss etc not your fault she'll have either consciously or subconsciously decided it is indeed all your fault. Plus she'll be envious of your life.

It will hurt but you've done all you can. Go and see your df, be polite with her but leave her to her bitterness and jealousy until she gets a grip.

Could you write to her expressing your regret in your failing relationship.
Make no accusations just reiterate that you miss the closeness you initially had after your mums death and ask is there any way back to it.
Think on some of the points here that posters have made.
She could be depressed, she could be resentful, she could be siding with your brother & family, there could be nefarious intent in relation to your dad’s affairs/ finances.
If she has, by default, become your dad’s carer, will she inherit disproportionately from his estate. Is there any oversight of his affair's? Does she have POA?

I have something very similar with my sister, although I know her well enough to understand why, even though she would never admit it.

It’s not because of anything I’ve actually “done”, it is because I have some things she dearly wants, reasonable (nothing fancy) job, husband, child, and her life hasn’t worked out that way. Over time, she started putting up barriers between us as a kind of defence against her own pain/disappointment.

I tried so hard to, gently, break those barriers down, but eventually I realised I couldn’t do it for her. We now bump into each other at family events every year or so, and she’ll be absolutely gushing about how happy she is to see me in front of everyone, but she still refuses to make plans with me, or accept any invites. It makes me so sad as we used to be so close and she used to be so close to my dc.

So I’ve stopped pushing. I mostly leave her be, send no pressure invites if inviting rest of family somewhere (she is always busy), ignore if she has a "family" thing and I get missed off her invite list, and play along with it, because sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t fix something for someone who isn’t willing to acknowledge it themselves.

Is she worried because she thinks she won’t be able to afford to buy a property when your father dies?

I am pretty sure that when I die my children won't have anything more to do with each other.

Sorry if this sounds insensitive but what do you mean you can't visit more because two of your children have SEN? You do go out, you do visit and you described being upset your child was left out of something, so your kids aren't stuck at home 24/7.

An hour roundtrip is perfectly normal? That's only 30 mins there... It does sound like your sister is possibly overwhelmed with being the designated carer for your parents, while her life hasn't gone as planned.

If I were you, I would just start going round more without being prompted or asked and tell your dad/sister you will be present on X days in the month so your sister can relax or go out. She might need time to herself (not entertaining you) or want to go out with a friend.

Then see if her attiude towards you changes and start suggesting things just the two of you.

Grey rock (google it).

She doesn’t want to engage- so be it. You’ve asked what’s up. That’s all you can do. Treasure your dad and protect yourself.

I think that's the most likely. If she is now your Dad's carer her life is probably quite hard. Does she go out to work. Maybe she is lonely. If you got on well before there must be a reason why she is so distant now.

Do you know why your son was excluded ? What had he done ?

Surely you can just sit with her and ask her outright? Not just one question, but have a proper conversation? Tell her how it is from your side, press for answers etc. it seems you think you've tried a lot, but you haven't actually tried to get to the root of the problem. You're accepting one word answers, or her walkihg away, or declining your invitations. That’s not enough.

You say you want your family back so no cutting them out won’t achieve that. I’d send her a message just saying Hey I just want to say that I miss my sister, you seem so distant since losing mum and I don’t know if you’re upset with me, grieving or depressed, overwhelmed with caring for mum then dad or there’s something else going on but I just want you to know that I love and miss you and hope one day you feel able to talk talk to me again.

She did help more with my mum towards the end of her life because she was living there.

That will be why. She would have expected to do more because she was living there but she likely didn’t expect to do all of it, which is generally what happens on this circ.

I feel for you OP. My own Mum passed away 2 years ago quite quickly and I guess due to living 2 hours away from the rest of them, I too get the feeling that I'm not really family - more so now than before.
Could you write your Sister a letter explaining what you have here and how you are feeling? Say that you're afraid you've hurt her somehow. You never know, it may be absolutely nothing to do with you but she's taking her upset out on you mainly because you are the closest and safest person to do this with.
Take care and I'm so sorry for your loss x 💐

Your sister is probably depressed. She's probably embarrassed too by her life. She's probably worrying about the future too.

I have a similar ish situation in that my half sister (same dad) hasn’t spoken to my Mum or any of us really since Dad died last August, though she still messages on the family wattsapp and I still chat to her adult children my niece and nephew as before. My sister didn’t like my Mum for reasons of her own, but we have always got on fine-she is much older than me-19 years so it was never a close sisterly relationship but we got on fairly well. My brother lives abroad and is back at most once a year for a very short time so we don’t see him much. Dad was all about family and would be devastated. I feel really lonely and I do miss having ‘proper’ siblings.

Have you tried having your dad over to stay with you and give her a "break". My DF and his siblings used to have our grandma and grandad do sleepovers. They were independent, but sometimes everyone just needed a break from each other.

I would listen to your Dad, your sister is depressed because she has lost the life you have. Then she went right into end of life care for your mum. She probably feels she got the shitty end of the toilet brush. Asking her if she is angry with you or what you did wrong was insensitive at best because it made her crisis all about you and you the victim.

I know your life isn’t perfect, but from the perspective of a depressed 50 yr old who has lost everything and is living at home like a child, it will look like you have it all.

Offering for her to come over to your house is also insensitive. Its like, look big sister at my life, it’s the happy family life you lost na na na. Everything would remind her of her past life before her marriage ended. It sounds like it did not end amicably, do you know what happened?

You just have to keep a door open and actually show some empathy for your sister’s situation. I would apologise for being insensitive and keep offering to collect her and go do something fun together.

This. Just because she’s living there, doesn’t mean she became a carer to your mum nor would for your Dad.

People show their true colours after deaths and I wonder if she’s realised the precarious nature of her living arrangements. I suspect she’s trying to alienate you so she can inherit the house. Ignore her and carry on as usual. Carry on being nice to her in front of your Dad and don’t fall for it.

Sisters can be truly terrible.

sometimes people make tough choices, even if that means they get cut out the inheritance loop

some people have different value systems, with money taking second tier

Nobody really talks about the pain of a sibling that doesn't like you. All this having another child to give them a sibling is as much a gamble on heartache for them as love.

My sibling and I have a paper relationship: we exchange cards and gifts on birthdays and Christmas and that's it. If I'm brutally honest, we don't get along because we're so different but also so similar.

Neither of us come off well in some stories and I've had to realise that he only sees his side and his pain, and so consequently he doesnt like me and I have to find peace with that.

Could it be the same for you? If youre really honest, what would your sister say she doesnt like about you, even if you disagree?

Maybe her view is that she doesn't want to see you and resents you forcing a place in her life by coming into her home where she needs to the avoid you (obviously it's your dad's house, but try not to mentally counter it). Meet your dad elsewhere, and give space to reset the relationship.

sibling rejection is like losing a piece of your heart but respecting their wishes makes you a good sister, and that's how I handle it. Ultimately they don't owe you a place in their life, however shitty it feels.

in my case my 36yr old sister died this year and i have alot of resentment towards my parents, iv actually gone no contact (not sure if permenant) as it has reminded me of how badly i was treated differently. I think losing someone does make you realise alot of things. Resentment is very common

sorry op but it doesn’t sound like you were very close in the first place. “When I used to go over to my dad’s we would chat and laugh together, sometimes even go out” Is not screaming best friends to me.
She’s being civil and polite but is under no obligation to be your bestie, sounds like you’re very different people with different lives and that’s fine.
I agree with pp she might be depressed and feeling the weight of having to care for your dad in the future.

Problem with grief is it is a journey, and not one that travels a straight line. Many people go through an anger stage, maybe more than once.
This may be happening to your sister as it sounds like she has been through a lot lately with the end of her marriage and the loss of her mum who she was caring for.
She may also be anxious about her future. What happens if you dad dies or has to go into care? This isn't your fault of course.
All you can do really is give it time and see what happens.

Why on earth should the OP feel she has to lose touch with her Dad and brothers if it is the case ?

People do not have to accept an inheritance. Most do.

From what she says about her Mother, it would suggest that any such would have been expected to be shared by all.

You think if this is what is happening by the sister it is okay ?