Mum died, family fallen apart

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

When my mum first died (2 years ago) my sister and I seemed to get very close. However for at least the last year she seems to really hate me and it hurts when I can't think of a single thing I've done to hurt her.
She lives with my dad. I like to go and see my dad weekly but when I do she literally doesn't speak to me. I have tried to initiate conversation but she never responds or she might laugh but doesn't extend the conversation. She doesn't speak to my kids or husband either. I don't think my dad notices because she'll still talk to him when I'm there.
I did ask her if I'd upset her and she said no but then walked off. I have two brothers too and while I do love them and get on with them we don't see each other much or really have a lot in common as they're quite a bit older.
What breaks my heart the most is my mum was always about family. She and my dad didn't really have any close friends but they had each other and they were happiest when all the kids and grandkids were round. She'd even left us a note written quite a while before she died asking us all to look after each other.
Instead I've been frozen out by my sister and I'm angry with one of my brothers and SIL because they excluded my son from a family event.
I honestly think when my dad dies I'll probably never see any of my family again and that hurts.
I'm considering just cutting them off now, apart from my dad, but it hurts. I don't want to cut them off but it seems they've already made their choice.
Is there any way I can bring my family back together or do I need to accept they just don't like me.

If you’ve really no idea, and you want to give it one last chance to find out the issue, why don’t you write/email her? It may be that she can’t say our loud what the problem is and maybe giving her more time to respond would be better for her.

Don’t forget you are all grieving. She is living with your dad, who by the sounds of what you said was extremely close to your mum. She is dealing with her grief daily as she is with your dad’s.

It may be that she never tells you what the issue is. It may be that there is no issue.

Re your other sibling, maybe it’s unrelated, maybe it isn’t. But again ask them.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 I read that you have invited your sister out on short trips with your Dad and she has declined. Maybe she declines because she sees that as her respite from being with your Dad. She might welcome that bit of a lone time.

Old people do find car travel uncomfortable. I offered my aunt a lift to see my Mum in hospital knowing that would be the last opportunity she would have of seeing her. Mum was terminal with brain cancer but not actively dying that occurred 4 months later. Aunt declined. It would
have been half hour car journey each way.

Nothing. He's autistic and that's the sole reason why he was excluded and as he was excluded it meant we all were (although I did offer to drop my older children 18 and 20 there but they refused because their brother wasn't invited).

I’d confront your sister. Have the conversation, “I notice you aren’t speaking to me. Are you ok? What is this about?”

If still nothing then just keep on visiting your Dad, you are upholding your side of your Mum’s wishes.

She wants the house.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 your brother is a separate problem. I applaud your eldest children for their stand with their younger sibling. Being excluded for his disability is not ok. Invites should be for all or none.

I am also a SEN Mum.

I've invited just her out. Afternoon tea would have been the two of us and I have asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee but she said no but maybe I need to offer to take my dad out so she can have time to herself.
In answer to some other questions it's very hard for me to visit more because of my children's needs and schedules so once a week is all I can manage. When DS was younger we did go over more as his needs weren't as high. I always visited at least once a week when my mum was still alive too.
My dad does have a will and I know everything was being split four ways but he might have decided to give more to my sister but if he has that's not on her, that's his choice. I just wish she would open up so I could try and help but I obviously can't force her.
I thought I was being nice inviting her for dinner, offering to take her out and trying to find out what was wrong but apparently that's insensitive so I don't know what to do.
I'm taking my dad out for lunch tomorrow (I said my sister was welcome but she said no) so maybe she can have a bit of a rest. I want to make things easier, not make her feel worse.
I'm just not sure if our relationship will recover and it's sad

This is spot on. Grief and loss can really mess you up. Everyone’s different and people can behave so strangely and hurtfully.

I speak from experience. Last few years of my life have been a shit show. As have my sisters’ lives. There have been many times we could have fallen apart - often through another loss - but we didn’t. Siblings are incredibly important and going NC with them is a big deal. Of course there are situations where you have to do this, but I don’t think this is one of them.

Just be there for her - keep inviting her to stuff (on neutral territory, not your house, if possible not with your kids - its about your relationship). Give her time, eventually she will open up to you. She needs help and support now - there is something wrong. She will pay it back, you model loving and kind behaviour to your kids and you keep your relationship with her (and your family).

I’m sorry for your loss. Although my sister wasn’t particularly favoured, 13 years on I can say my parents, in particular my mum has a rose tinted view. She remembers things about my sister but not me, and everything goes back to her. I understand it a little bit but it’s not a great feeling. Give yourself time xx

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I thought I was being nice inviting her for dinner, offering to take her out and trying to find out what was wrong but apparently that's insensitive so I don't know what to do.

For clarity, the inviting her to yours for dinner to unintentionally showcase everything she has lost and asking her what is wrong when you know 100% what is wrong were insensitive. Offering to take her out is not insensitive, but then she likely will decline until you apologise for being insensitive and reassure her that the offer to go out does not come with a chat all about how hurt you are by her attitude, and how you don’t understand why she is so upset or what is wrong. You know what she has been through, you know what is wrong. She needs to know the trip out would be for you to support her, not for her to support and reassure you.

Could you try to meet up with your dad or sister somewhere between your homes? That would share the travel. Would she accept an invitation that includes her DC? I also wonder if she is depressed (is she working, going out with friends, keeping up with hobbies?).

You think if this is what is happening by the sister it is okay ?

Nice one.... the guilt trips don't work here

However, the first sentence in your post, paraphrased is "absolutely do not go contact" underpinned by "think about the long-term and who looks after your father's money", so its quite clear where your value system is oriented and you're trying to influence the OP on that metric.

At the end of the day, the OP mentioned she felt like she wanted to go contact

and you've come out the gate telling her in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't

I'm not saying she should or shouldn't, nor am I pronouncing edicts on what she should definitely do... unlike your good self.

I've provided an opposing view to balance out your narrative 😀

Have you ever acknowledged what she did caring for your Mum or thanked her? I have my 85 year old Dad living with me, he is still capable, but it's surprising how much of a mental load there is with his hospital appointments, sorting his medication and just generally having to think of someone else before myself all the time. You say your Dad is able, but I'd be willing to bet that your sister has more on her plate with your Dad than you realise. My brother is unable to help day to day because he lives 100 miles away, but he regularly asks how I'm coping and has thanked me many times for what I'm doing for Dad and it means the world just to feel it's recognised.

What guilt trip?

Her sister may well be looking to inherit all. She might not be. It is something the OP might want to consider. And should do so. It is not unusual.

And there is nothing wrong in looking out for a father if that is the case. To see his money is spent on him. And so yes, consider the long term there. Nothing amiss with pointing that out. Whatsoever. It is looking after his best interests.

Nor your own and siblings inheritance at all. When it is something clearly mum would have wanted for her to have. And I expect Dad would.

Remaining in touch with all her family would be a good thing. If she can resolve with her sister even better.

She should not feel forced out by her sister.

I advised against going no contact.The OP can take advice or not. People offering advice are not ‘telling her in no uncertain terms’.

Did your mum leave a will? Is there something about the split that has upset her?
Being close, then not suggests something has changed.
Was the note you mentioned the only one that was found?
I would guess there is something you are not aware of concerning your Mother's death or will.

It happens once the heart of the family dies.
Give her space.

People change OP and after all she's been through she may be depressed, envious of your life and possibly jealous that you get to visit once a week then go home.

She may feel trapped in a life she hasn't chosen.
Does your dad have demanding needs?

Or could be that she's trying to drive a wedge so that you'll stop visiting, and she can get dad to change his will in her favour as she looked after both parents and feels she's owed.

Point is it could be either. You've tried talking to her, it hasn't changed anything so be polite but don't engage. Be prepared for her to cut you off once dad dies.

Don't stop going to see dad. You are fortunate to still have one parent living, make the most of it.

Sending kind thoughts, it's tricky. Been there. 💐

I agree. It’s a lot more work than people realise and your dad has probably been leaning on her emotionally too.

Your sister has lost her job, husband, home and mother. That is a LOT.
Does she feel you minimised all her losses? Did you do a Pollyanna look on the bright side?

"It's just incredibly sad. I miss my mum and now it feels like I have family left. Obviously still have my dad and my eldest brother and I usually speak once a fortnight but I guess I just miss the relationship I used to have with my sister.i will always leave the door open if she ever wants to talk to me".

Have you said this to her? I would.
Just lay your cards on the table.
I miss mum and I feel like since she's been gone I've lost you too and that makes me sad because I love you, if there's something I've done please tell me so we can try to fix it.
Tell her you understand how much she's been through and lost and be there to support her as much as you can, within the limits of your own family commitments.
The relationship is already fractured so you have nothing to lose but might gain your sister back by being open.

I agree. Thankyou so much x

It sounds like your sister is envious of your life, especially after splitting up with her ex and going to live with your mum - that's a massive downgrade. When your mum died, it was hard for you all, but your sister may have been holding onto her as anchor without realising.

You said your mum was all about family and it sounds like she may have been enough of a presence to hold it all together, in spite of sibling rivalry etc.

Inviting her out or to your place is not insensitive if the intention is good from your side.

No contact is hard, very hard and is not to be undertaken lightly, it is literally the last resort and not something you can't really go back on. Ever. You also have to fight the evolutionary biological drive for reconnection on the regular - forever.

When you choose to go hard no contact, you're essentially choosing in the present moment never to hear from or about them again, or go to their funeral

I've been through the whole years of drama because I bothered to get my shit together and jump out the fishbowl. Everything I achieved or did was apparently rubbing my family's face in it, because of what they hadn't achieved due to fear. I got 'bored' of having to live small in their presence to keep the one-sided 'peace'.

My family of origin was fucked-up a long time before my last parent died. I chose to go no contact (& about 10 years too late) 4 years prior to my surviving parent opting for slow death by what was by all accounts, a brutal and undignified descent into severe alcoholism that robbed them of all agency.

No contact may not be the right move for you, it was for me because the destructive patterns went back 2 decades, rather than any sibling rivalry or envy becoming apparent after a family tragedy.

Perhaps on next visit, take her some flowers and maybe her favourite chocolates and/or a bathroom pamper kit, give her a huge warm hug and just say I love you very much. it might soften her barriers and allow her to express what she is feeling and why. If she does, listen and let it be about her, not you. Take it slowly and hopefully you can support her while she works her way through this. Don’t expect too much or make too many invitations, accept small wins. A shoulder squeeze, a hand squeeze or a hug says much more than words or invitations sometimes.

It may just be grief and not really to do with you @Stressedoutmummyof3

She may just be experiencing a lot of negative emotions and she might not feel particularly performative around you.

DH’s sister is very withdrawn since her mother passed. There was a lot of bad feeling on both sides by the time their mother died and certainly from DH’s side he decided that he could not continue the relationship on the same terms it had previously been at, so it is very different now much more distant and guarded.