Mum died, family fallen apart

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

When my mum first died (2 years ago) my sister and I seemed to get very close. However for at least the last year she seems to really hate me and it hurts when I can't think of a single thing I've done to hurt her.
She lives with my dad. I like to go and see my dad weekly but when I do she literally doesn't speak to me. I have tried to initiate conversation but she never responds or she might laugh but doesn't extend the conversation. She doesn't speak to my kids or husband either. I don't think my dad notices because she'll still talk to him when I'm there.
I did ask her if I'd upset her and she said no but then walked off. I have two brothers too and while I do love them and get on with them we don't see each other much or really have a lot in common as they're quite a bit older.
What breaks my heart the most is my mum was always about family. She and my dad didn't really have any close friends but they had each other and they were happiest when all the kids and grandkids were round. She'd even left us a note written quite a while before she died asking us all to look after each other.
Instead I've been frozen out by my sister and I'm angry with one of my brothers and SIL because they excluded my son from a family event.
I honestly think when my dad dies I'll probably never see any of my family again and that hurts.
I'm considering just cutting them off now, apart from my dad, but it hurts. I don't want to cut them off but it seems they've already made their choice.
Is there any way I can bring my family back together or do I need to accept they just don't like me.

I absolutely know she's been through a lot. She really has had a hard time (mostly caused by her ex) although of course all bits play a part. I have never minimised what she's been through. In the toughest part of her divorce we spoke daily. I know she has lost a lot but I don't understand why that means she doesn't want to speak to me.
If it's anger or jealousy then why does she still speak to our brothers? They're both married and have jobs,if it was just about that surely she'd be the same with them?

Here's the first line of your opening post "I would not go no contact. At all."

and you're implying that is offering advice, rather than a direct statement? 😆

I've clearly been outmatched, as I'm unable to match the back-peddling of a professional unicyclist

You are being very patronising to the OP. The Op can take advice. Or not.

I had the same experience; won't forgive my callous siblings. It's rather liberating and joyful, not seeing them.

Is there a will issue she knows about and you don’t.

I am also wondering how much care your DM needed and maybe your DS is upset and having done more than her fair share.

I would have thought that if spending time caring for your mum was the issue she has, she would have told you. In many families caring responsibilities do fall on daughters rather than sons.
I suspect it's either that your presence reminds her of your mum and hence her loss or that she's now concerned about her own future i.e. will she end up having to care for your dad in a few years' time / where will she live after he's died etc.

I was close to my 3 sisters, we all cared for our mum together in her last days.

2 of them behaved awfully after she died (one attacked me physically & mentally, the other froze me out of everything, gatekept mum's possessions etc) and I'm now no contact with them both. Mental illness played a part in their behaviour but neither have shown regret.

I was warned by a friend that grief tore families apart, I thought we were too close for it to happen.

OP, say to her that it's clear she wants space, that you're here for her when she's ready, that if she needs support for herself or your dad you'll be there, and try to accept she needs distance at the moment.

"You are being very patronising to the OP"

😂

Except

OP's title is not "should I go no contact"?

But you've come out of the gate with a blunt statement about telling a 46 year-old what she should not do - based on one line her in post.

Epic irony

Not to gloss over the fact the second part of your post was a focus on inheritance and then the last part about her sister's feelings.

Interesting order of priority you have,

While in previous posts you've tried to paint me as some kind of unfeeling monster

Keep digging, I have plenty of shovels for you

Were you PROPERLY close with your sibs before your Mum died or did you all do stuff to please your Mum? Could it be that you are now seeing the reality of your relationships?

RE the brother question - potentially both because she sees her and you as more analogous, but also because some women can carry a bit of latent sexism and can be much harder on women than on men.

Honestly, in your shoes I think the only option is to send her a longish (but not horrifically long) text saying something like 'I've tried to talk about this in person, but perhaps text might be easier. I feel so sad that you won't really speak to me or see me and I can't for the life of me figure out what I've done to upset you. I really mourn our relationship and would love to fix whatever's gone wrong.'

I actually tend to agree particularly with the second part of this. She has no other home at the moment and is doing the lions share of being with your father. She has already lost her marital home. It may be very hard for her if the home is split 4 ways when your father dies and she may be hoping to talk herself into justifying keeping it .

You got very close when your mother died - what was the relationship like before?

Does her change in attitude have anything to do with the falling out you had with your brother? Has she always been close to him?

She is very close to SIL, they were friends for a few years before she started dating our brother so maybe. There hasn't been a horrific fallout with my brother though. I said I was hurt he didn't want our son there and he didn't respond.
It's my sister's birthday next week and I want to get her something special. I was going to put a letter with her card telling her I miss her and am willing to listen if she wants to talk but have decided to send the letter later as I don't want her birthday ruined if she's not ready to talk to me. So I've decided on a special gift instead.
When we were kids we bickered like mad but I really thought we were close when we were teenagers and when we got older we used to go shopping or out to the pub together. Maybe our bond wasn't as strong as I thought.

2 years is not long.
Your sister's life might pick up a lot in time.
We saw much less of each other once my DM died. But are still friendly - just don't visit often
I would just carry on as you are, seeyour DF and DB - children grow up, health issues can raise their head, anything could happen, life changes. It's still early days.

Could the fallout be over the fallout with your brother or had it happened before?

Maybe she shares his view that excluding your child was fine. Obviously it wasn’t fine but if your brother thing it’s ok perhaps your sister does too.

People are all sorts of different and not every sort of different is good different.

I don't chase relationships with people who don't want them with me.

I would send her a card and token gift only.

Why does she get to behave really badly by freezing you out and then receive a lovely gift? She's rewarded for being a total bitch.

She's 50 years old, has lost her marriage and her Mum and is living with her own father, having to do the lions share of supporting him after caring for your dying mum.

It very well might not be about you at all. I would be bloody well depressed if I had to move back in with my parents at 50.

Hi @Stressedoutmummyof3 I'm replying quickly but I have read all your posts.

Maybe our bond wasn't as strong as I thought.

This is probably the key. I am one of 4 children, I'm the eldest. I would have said we were relatively close as a family, all quite different personalities but lots of commonalities too, same type of education, career aspirations etc. Live in different parts of the country for the most part but would enjoy each other's and our DC company when we meet. Family and connection means a lot to me. I am divorced after a horrific marriage, some aspects of the abuse still endure, I've 3 DC, really no support, a good job but still struggle financially (due to crap exH). My siblings are all very well-off and successful and in happy marriages, two are particularly wealthy. They provided no support or exhibited any interest in all the long years it took me to get divorced and really never ask if I need help.

Anyway.

Despite all that, I still felt we were a close family. My DF died some years ago and it is like all the connection that was there has fallen apart. I think I feel it most acutely, as I crave it, I guess. But I think it's not really there with the others either, they don't care as much, they do probably see each other more as their kids are closer in age and they are more on the same lifestyle wavelength too (e.g. can afford a shared weekend away in Center Parcs or similar).

It's really bothered me - and it was my counsellor who said to me 'the connection was never really there in the first place'. Once my dad passed away, my DM changed quite a lot and is really difficult, very cold and hurtful to me, rarely wants contact, shows no interest towards me (even though we were extremely close in my childhood and earlier adulthood, I thought) and has a strange dynamic with everyone else - some are favourites, others play a different role so I think we all get a different version of her. Fundamentally, she is very unhappy herself and she takes that out on me, as I'm the one who can't really do anything about it.

So with my DF dying, and my DM changing or leaning into certain behaviours, the whole dynamic of the family shifted. And now it's like there is no true connection. I get extremely sad about it sometimes.

We still meet up - really just once or twice a year, at Christmas / anniversary - and it's fine. I enjoy their company, care about their DC, happy to chat. But there is no depth and limited contact outside of that, unless I make the effort. When I feel low, it really really hurts.

In relation to your own situation I wanted to share mine as I think it's a version of the same thing - your bonds weren't strong, and so the dynamic shift caused by the death of your mum has probably had this effect. I know it's really hard, but there is probably very little you can do, and only you can decide how much effort you are willing to make.

I don't chase relationships with people who don't want them with me.

This is good advice and something I say frequently to myself. (But I often do chase, which makes me feel a bit desperate).

It seems like stating the b... obvious, but why not talk to your sister? There is clearly something bothering her, and as others suggest, she is likely depressed. Find a quiet time, just the two of you, and say you realise she isn't happy, and please tell me what's wrong. Do it with concern for her, not about you - ie. not Have i done something..etc. But offer her a chance to talk about what is wrong. It is likey nothing to do with you, but she probably wants some sisterly TLC.

I think it's likely to be something she feels rather than something you have done wrong. If it was something you'd done wrong that would be easy to vocalise. Unlikely she dislikes you as you got on before.
I think it's likely she resents your life, your happy marriage? the one she doesn't have and she's never going to admit that. Dh's sister really resents his good luck in life - she has vocalised it - on several occasions and it has done nothing to improve the relationship between them. The chip is too large.

It's very true when people say "families can fall apart after a bereavement".

After my mum's death, my sister and I decided our motto would be "Peace and love", just to hold us together. We used that phrase a lot when our cousins started chipping in with unsolicited advice about funeral plans etc.

Stop asking her if you've upset her, that can be seen as quite an accusatory thing to say. Almost Like "What can I possibly have done to upset you?" It's also another way of telling her that her behaviour isn't seen as good enough.

Instead, could you reframe your thinking, "my sister is obviously upset and can't tell me why...how can I help her".

Have you ever told her how grateful you are to her for all that she's done for you? Have you ever sent her random flowers just because?
Have you ever sat down as a family and talked about what will happen to your father's estate? She's could be scared she will be kicked out of his home.

This might have nothing to do with you. Your sister had a divorce, and your mum who she presumably lived with, died. She would have been the one day in day out to see the decline. She now lives with her dad, and it sounds like he doesn't have any friends other than his family so if she is now his person, it is a lot! She would have to be managing his grief, which may have not left her much time to manage her own.

It can take up to four years to come out of the intense sting of grief (obviously no one ever really gets over it), and she is very much in it, navigating your dads at the same time. Maybe she speaks to her brothers because that is it, she can speak on the phone and not see them, they will not ask any questions and will just let her be.

You pushing her for contact could make her retreat more especially if all she really needs is space to grieve. Whereas in your grief you want to cling on to your family, she may be thinking she knows you are always there, she just needs space and a bit of detachment from the intensity of the previous few years. I would not be so quick to write off you whole family, leave your sister to do what she wants to do, your older other brother sounds nice, and you still have your dad. That is quite a lot of family to keep hold of.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 do you look like your Mum? If so, could your sister be finding that a struggle what with everything else? Grief is very strange and if she’s mourning your Mum and feeling it more deeply right now, a physical reminder might be more than she can cope with right now. If not, I might send a heartfelt message saying “I don’t know what’s wrong, but I wish you’d tell me, as I really miss you and I’d love for things to go back to how they were”.