Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

He is getting into fights with people and then justifying it as they were bullies. We only have his word that they were bullying and secondly this is a fully grown adult man going round looking for teenagers to fight in parks.

Did you not read the OP's post?

People don't read the original post properly/at all. They are the same people who find it difficult to pass exams.

Exactly this. All this 'sense of justice' bullshit about him and posters apparently putting themselves on a pedestal to say the same about themselves, they're just arrogantly assuming they know best, or they know a situation. My OH bangs on about this but often he is quite wrong and he often misreads situations anyway.

That's a bit of a leap! Talk about 'intellectual snobbery'!

He’s stopped impersonating now, he got bored and has moved on to something else now which is not illegal

‘Dim’ is a very odd word to use in this context. It sounds like classic Adhd dopamine seeking behaviour disguised as being a vigilante. Is he putting it on tic tock? I suppose he’s stuck in a loop of trying to entertain others for likes and shares (dopamine) and being egged on by friends.

He still doesn't sound nice but dim...

Which is what exactly?

Where's his sense of justice gone?

His sense of justice is still there, just not impersonating police officers. I’m not keen on sharing anything else due to all the presumption and judgement

Pretending to be a police officer and going around frightening people is not impulsive it's totally premeditated. That's a terrible thing to do. I would see if his girlfriend speak to him if she's sensible. Or I would threaten to report the behaviour to the police myself.

It's the first line of the second paragraph.

I'm so relieved that he has retired from this most precarious of vocations - i.e. a fake police officer.

It would be something of an understatement to say that my subscriptions to the police fan club are somewhat in arrears - 40-50 years or so - but like any sane person, the only words I ever want to hear from a police officer are "On your way" and I will therefore offer my icy cooperation in the event of an encounter - i.e. antagonism, rudeness, aggression are not on the menu.

I really don't know how I would react in the instant I discerned I'd been pulled over a fake police officer - the only certainty is it would take seconds, not minutes for me to figure this out and from that moment, the prankster's life will have changed forever.

Why would you say this when Poster has described his job?

Which he has had for a matter of weeks of work. No chance he got his car without parental help. He’s an absolute liability who is being enabled by parents who don’t have a clue how to parent properly. Dim is the least of their problems.

I'm a little late to the game but this is a 20 year old young man, leave him to it. You can only give him advice. If he puts you in danger in a any way it's probably time for him to get his own place. Not as a threat but as a way for him to find independence. I don't see why it's your responsibility really. Take care I know it's hard.

Not at all. On countless occasions, an OP sets out whatever difficulty they have & say that they have done/not done xyz. This is followed by post after post asking why the OP has/not done xyz
People don't read posts properly. The same goes for exam questions - if you don't read & comprehend the question carefully, you will likely screw up. Nothing to do with intellect, it's laziness (Mumsnet) or panicking (exams - but also laziness/arrogance).

Why is it up to his girlfriend and his mother to try to modify his behaviour? He is a grown man and has to learn to manage his ADHD and take responsibility for himself.

Even OP admits he’s arrogant and he can’t hold a job down. She says he stopped doing the police bit (although that seems a bit sudden) but he’s going to end up riling the wrong people.

If he thinks frightening strangers is funny, then nothing the OP or his GF say will change that. Unfortunately he will only do that if he does upset the wrong person.

It's not up to his girlfriend or mother to stop him but if it was my son doing something really stupid I would try and stop him rather than see him get into serious trouble.

Because someone who acts like this doesnt stay in jobs for long, as evidenced by what OP said anyway about his work history. This is not a person who is fully financially independent.

My son wouldn’t be bullying, so wouldn’t be attacked (by OP’s son).

You're really not getting it are you

People like OPs son, who see things very black and white, a bit like you are, cannot fathom that something else might be going on. What if her son walked along at the exact moment that your son, perhaps for the first time in his life, fought back and was seen as bullying the others?

Then he is attacked by OPs son

And he thinks he is vindicated because he saw a 'bully'.

People that are somewhat half wits like OPs son, dont want all the facts, their self righteousness makes them 'right', so he'll see someone bullying even if they might not be. Your son is at risk from OPs son, we all are.

And you can’t see a scenario where the OP’s son doesn’t have the judgement to know who is being a bully and who is defending themselves? Vigilantes don’t have a great track history of getting things right.

Sadly I think there comes a point where it’s too late and he clearly knows better.

Not sure why the girlfriend should get involved though - several posters have suggested it,

It does mark the contrast in how young men and women are treated - Women are expected to save someone like the OP’s son whereas he does not have to take responsibility for his actions. It’s depressing.

I’m AuDHD and have been very impulsive in my time but didn’t expect people to try to fix it for me