Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

The part of the brain that regulates your impulse isn't fully developed till about 25. So there is stillsome scope for him to grow out of it a bit.

I've got one like this OP excepy not holding down a 'job'. He's so lovely, but such a dickhead. He's gradually calming down with age...but his 20s were horrendous and he nearly died a couple of times from intervening in fights. Good that your son has found a good woman. It does help. Mine hasn't,yet

I find it really odd that you like this post which describes his behaviour as taking risk and “enjoying life” after your other post saying that people are making assumptions about you.

You are not taking his behaviour seriously enough. How does he know when he comes across teens in the park who is bullying who? And what does he do then, have a word?! No! He threatens to beat them up. And has in fact got into physical fights. He is an adult assaulting children in the eyes of the law.

Yes, he may grow up but what is the rest of society supposed to do in the meantime? He’s dangerous and a huge risk to others.

And the needs of ND young men need to be balanced against the rights of everyone else. It’s all very well saying the ND young men are vulnerable, I don’t dispute that. But the rest of us are equally as vulnerable when we are exposed to their behaviour.

Your son doesn’t give a shit about how his actions impact other people because he literally thinks he’s Batman. What if one of the young men he stalks outside a pub is having a mental health crisis? He is not the only person with needs!!

"Nice but dim" does not seem an accurate description of this behaviour - more like a personality disorder, for which he needs help. There may not be much you can do, but maybe try to encourage him to get more effective help than the weekly "online therapy" - who knows whether that's doing any good?
Sympathies op - this must be so difficult.

@YourSharpTealWriter

Sounds like autism too.

It’s so difficult isn’t it?! Hope your son finds a lovely lady who understands him. Really grateful mine has - hopefully it will last, seems serious. They’re so good for each other. When they’re together all I hear is her laughing 😆 does make a difference. Hopefully mine will calm down a bit like yours has

This could have been my son if not for the medication and professional support. I'm pleased you're ignoring the judgemental types on here and seeking further help. My advice would be to get him reviewed by a really high quality, specialist clinic with a comprehensive range of support. Not an online service but somewhere that will see him face to face and offers psychological interventions alongside medication. If you can get him to sign up for the therapeutic help with them he might eventually be persuaded to take the meds. They were literally life saving for my son as his risk taking behaviour was off the scale. My mental health was at breaking point and the help he got saved me, too. It's really worth doing your research to find a good service. It does cost but for us it was worth every penny.

Do you really think your son worthy of a “good woman” when you, his own mother, would describe him as a “dickhead”? A dickhead who is 30s/40s who’s “gradually calming down with age” and likes to involve himself in a trouble. I’m not trying to sound argumentative however it needs to be said, I have witnessed on many occasions mother’s of troublesome sons who seem to have this attitude that he ‘needs to find’ a good girl to keep him from getting out of trouble. It’s very problematic and sets the tone that he is devoid of accountability (Maybe that attitude contributed to how he grew up. “lads will be lads” as many say…) What does she benefit from him? If she is in fact a good woman she would deserve a lot better. There’s no shortage of men out there and most don’t conduct their lives in such a manner. Men like your son should be working on better themselves and should be the finished product when putting themselves out there dating. It’s not her responsibility to keep him on the straight and narrow, like he’s an infant.

Do you think a 30 something “bitch” of a woman who has difficulty maturing and staying away from trouble is worthy of a good man? No, thought not. That’s never the case is it. She’d be worthy only of the male equivalent of what she brings to the table… i.e, your son.

I think you’re a bit confused and have posted on the wrong thread. None of what you’ve written is relevant to my situation, is generalised projection based on your own experience

Not confused, I am responding to the poster I quoted. How can you not see that?

Also not a generalised projection as I have not dated any men who match the description of the poster’s son. I think you mean general observation.

Women are not support humans to fix men like this

👏

Same. And I'm a real police officer, which apparently OP and her son seem to despise.

He sounds quite dangerous...

I’ve never understood when people say they hate the police. I’ve encountered a couple of difficult police officers since moving here who were slightly rude, however I’m aware individuals don’t represent the police force as a whole and like with anyone else, I judge them on their own merit. I guess that’s too much common sense for some people. UK police are very friendly compared to the police in my home country, they will beat you with batons if you don’t comply (which they are legally allowed to do). Some Brits scream police brutality but don’t realise how privileged they are.

Don’t concern yourself with anyone else’s opinion, only criminals and chavs hate police anyway so their opinion isn’t really relevant.

I am not anti-police, many are great, but you are naive if i this circumstance, you believe a 'good talking to' by a police man is a good thing - the reality is, you are at serious risk of criminalising your child. They care about conviction rates, not rehabilitating your child.This thread has so many ppl talking at cross-purposes about different issues. The OP knows her son is vulnerable, she is not making light as many believe - she is at the end of her tether, but she has limited powers to 'make' an adult stop doing anything. There is a real lack of therapists and youth workers to help with this - I think someone mentioned Sarah Templeton. She was helpful to us, although I don't think she's seeing clients anymore.

Sorry to the OP for causing confusion on her thread. I just wanted to make the point that boys can and do mature late sometimes. Like OP sags its difficult to see where as parents we could have done things differently. ADHD definitely plays a part.
The quoted comment makes a valid point. In my son's case he was always trying to help others when he got hurt. He has a misguided sense of his own role as unofficial hero and has often been reckless with himself but not others. He is quite narcissistic, yet he is caring and loving too. When men fall truly in love it can be the making of them, just as quite selfish women can be transformed by motherhood (also fatherhood).
Surely people can mature and change. We are not wholly programmed from birth. I do worry that he'll never be able to attract the right kind of woman and will end up lonely and bitter. There's not much time left for him tbh.

No OP. He's not nice.

Thank you so much.

It's odd isn't it. If people have a bad experience with, say a doctor, they don't immeadiatley say all of the NHS is not fit for purpose. Nurses have regularly even on a recent thread here, illegally read patients records, most recently a load have just been suspended for reading that little boys Noahs records. Harold Shipman was the worst serial killer the UK has ever seen. A pilot recently tried to take down a whole plan load of innocent passengers.

The issue as well is that, quite rightly, the police have to be transparent and report on every suspension/misconduct and gross misconduct. So it gives a very skewed perception, when it seems to the public that's all they hear, whereas I guarantee if any other service had to by law post their misconduct outcomes we'd all think the same of them and again this would be very skewed.

I don't even know why I continue to fight this lost cause to be honest.

I'm in child protection and I was removing a child from a home where she was been sexually abused by her stepfather and as we got her in the car someone started filming us and calling us child rapists and Wayne Couzens.

I'm going to leave soon anyway. Can't do it anymore.

OP tell your son to grow up. For someone who clearly dislikes the police so much he doesn't half love pretending to be us.

But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble

Way to minimise your son's behavior. This isn't "mischief", your son is a criminal and a dangerous bully.

Yes she said he works in her OP. Therefore the bank of mum and dad comment was just bizarre and bitchy.

Maybe RTFT and see what she says about his work history. Bank of M&D almost definitely had to act as guarantors for his car lease. No way was he getting finance for that on his own with his work history.

I'm wondering if he's on cocaine. Even blokes without ADHD become complete tits when they're doing it.

He has taken drugs including cocaine in the past but not in a while, he is regularly drug tested in work

And what about his friend? Who seems to be a bit of a problem.