Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

He's going to get arrested or beaten up. Maybe it'll take one of those to get through to him.

Because he’s utterly reckless and also old enough and wealthy enough to look after himself. So he either takes appropriate medical steps or he leaves.

He is safe and secure which will hopefully lead to his having a longer lifespan. Moving out could lead to his losing his job and having less routines to help him. Many with ADHD never develop the daily life skills to live alone well but are fine as they have home then their own families where the burden is shared.

What job does he do? Given his age I assume he didnt go to Uni so how is he so well paid already?

Why not report him to the police yourself?

You'll be his parent forever, do you think that if he moved out at 25 that means you're not his parent?

Its not about him being trouble or otherwise at home, its about the fact that he is trouble and trouble is by association being invited to your home.

Do you want your association with him all over local news when he is finally arrested for the stuff he is doing, for things he may say in court if he's angry at the authorities when he elevates himself?

Also if he is doing so well, so much money and so expert at everything, he can manage his own life, living accommodation, food, routines etc.

This is an infantilised young man who is grandiose and entitled.

Phone the police and report him ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️ this is NOT normal behaviour even with adhd

Moving out would not solve the issues - it would make them worse! At least he has structure, routine and support at home. He is old enough and wealthy enough but that’s not really the point or the problem

Bank of mummy and daddy

This. OP he doesn’t care for your opinion. Only thing that’ll teach him is the consequences. I hope they’re not too bad.

The moral thing reminds me a bit of DH who was recently diagnosed with ADHD in his 50s. He's not quite getting into fights with people but he often doesn't let it lie with inconsiderate behaviour and will loudly and angrily call people out. I have told him that sometimes I worry he'll tangle with the wrong person and they'll turn out to have a knife. I get that he doesn't like bad behaviour to pass without comment but it's always a worry. Sorry, probably nothing useful to add, but you're not alone.

My few dealings with the police have not been positive in any way whatsoever. The police have quite a few arrogant and egotistical officers themselves. The police are not friends interested in ‘helping’, they want to charge him with something!

I appreciate that, it’s such a worry. I’m the opposite, keep away from drama and avoid confrontation at all costs 😁

My stepson has ADHD and has narrowly avoided prison a few times but I'm worried his luck will run out. The most telling thing was when my other stepson played an April fool on my husband, rung him up and told him other stepson had been arrested for murder and we both believed it

ADHD'ers are often 7 years behind in maturity.
Is he being treated for ADHD? Meds are a game changer.

No he didn’t go to uni and refused to go to school. He works for contractors on highway maintenance and earned £800 - £900 per week dependant on the shifts he works.

Omg that’s really bad. I can imagine mine also doing something like that 😳

No that’s inaccurate

He sounds horrible tbh and I think you think he's some sort of loveable rogue rather than a creepy vigilante bully

if you say so

He's terrorizing people on the road and that's going to end really, really badly with jail, or if he stops the wrong people, he'll be dead.

Fake cops mean no good. It's a criminal offense to impersonate one for very good reasons. This isn't a moral thing, he's on a nasty power trip.

Honestly having a teenager has blown my mind at just how much an otherwise intelligent person can completely lack any kind of common sense. I suppose they get the common sense from life experience, which they don't have much of yet. It is vv weird having an adult-shaped person around who does not behave or make decisions like an adult would Luckily mine can't drive yet.

ADHD definitely prolongs the phase a bit. The blue lights thing sounds exactly like something my 8yo (also ADHD, maybe AuDHD) would think made total sense, I am glad that at least for the moment he also does not have access to a driving licence! The 17yo less so - his lack of logic mainly relates to excuses as to why he can't get out of bed.

I think you will have to strike a balance between holding back and thinking "Not my circus, not my monkeys" (ie, it's not YOU who will get arrested) and maybe going on a bit when it's something completely daft e.g. with the mate videoing, that has serious potential to backfire on him and particularly on his career if he doesn't get prosecuted, so I think I would get very annoying about it to the point he perceives it as nagging. It is still his choice whether to do it or not, but to have you constantly going on in his ear about it might get him to think about whether it's really a good idea. ADHD Dude also has this thing about how you should also basically be telling other people that your child respects, like other family members - grandparents/aunts/uncles, family friends etc. I think this could be helpful, if you mention it in an exasperated way and they react shocked or worried about it, it might make him see it's not just you that thinks it's a stupid idea. Plus, if you start blabbing about it all around (supposedly unaware) he might get worried that you will mention it to someone he works with and it will get round to his boss.

Or he might respond better to humour/teasing and sarcasm - some people do. You'll probably know if you're that kind of family or not.

You could also "find" the website for Operation Snap and perhaps suggest he gets a dashcam instead so he can report cases he sees of bad driving, without putting himself and other road users in danger - which he is doing by impersonating an undercover officer - they will have specific training for both their own safety when standing near live traffic (surprised he doesn't get this, TBH, with his job) and also for how to drive when in pursuit. You might also point out that submitting footage this way is more likely to result in actual action, than a fake warning by a fake cop. Most people driving under the influence are alcoholics or addicts. They are not people making a one off snap decision, and they typically repeat the same behaviour again and again and again until they are actually arrested. His fake warning is very unlikely to make any real difference in anyone's life.

Or send him materials for police recruitment. If he wants to be a cop, why not do it properly? A lot of people with ADHD do well in emergency services because the adrenaline seems to bring out the best in us.

This dude should not have a badge. He's already terrorizing people with his fake stops. And he's dumb enough to film it.

Tf did I just read?
Idk what to say. He sounds like an idiot but a lovely one. I hope he grows up soon