Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

But it could be AuDHD. I know several autistic boys with very high moral standards who have no fear stepping in to hold others to account, however inappropriate the intervention. Combine that with the poor impulse control of ADHD and you get a personality like OP describes.

Because “Autism”, “ADHD”, “Being on the spectrum” and the rest of the alphabet soup around mental health sounds much better as a reason than “To be honest he’s just a little sh1t and a bully”…

To be honest he shouldn’t even have a driving licence!

He sounds very immature for his age, you should explain that not only is impersonating a police officer illegal it is taken very seriously indeed and the tariff can be 15 years in prison if he gets caught- I'm not sure how hilarious he would find not being free again until he is middle aged.

although I don’t approve of his antics I am grateful that he is completely open with me and could always come to me with anything.

Impersonating the police goes a long way beyond 'antics' @YourSharpTealWriter and you must know that. Eventually there will either be some sort of disaster or at best he is picked up and charged for it and it will seem a lot less like 'antics' then.

Your home insurance will go through the roof is the most mumsnet comment ever 😂😂😂

I think you’re wearing rose tinted glasses.
He has a god complex, sounds like an attention seeker if it’s being recorded too, especially if posted online. Him and his mate sound dangerous.

I think id be saying 'get on medication or leave this house'. You are enabling him to continue like this. If he's earning 52k a year he can afford to look after himself.

the only thing you've written that would give me concern is the police thing esp if they're uploading it for the lolz.

All the rest is very typical autistic stuff and he seems to handle himself ok -

People with Autism feel really strongly about Justice - I think this actually is what the police thing is about. has he considered joining the police ?

@JLou08
No he dies not sound "great"
He sounds a nightmare
With no consideration for anyone but himself and whatever prank he wants to pull at that moment
He needs meds
And to learn awareness
Am feeling so sorry for his poor mother whos
Obviously totally unhappy
With his mucking about and for his physical safety
One day, if things aren't pulled into line
He's going to end up badly beaten
Or be losing his job and in jail
Through his impersonating the police
And this may be the least
That ever happens to him
Also @JLou08 if he were yours,
And you had to cope with all that's happened to date,
Would you still think him "great"??

Have u read any of the replies?!

This is not typical autistic stuff 🙄

If he felt so strongly about justice he WOULDNT be impersonating the police and at the end of the day he still needs boundaries - which mum seems unwilling to do. Not sure why she posted in all honesty 😂

What boundaries can you put on a 20 year old? He’s not 8.

someone who wants justice isn’t going to think the way you are about the police. They’re not scared of upsetting the police they are giving out justice. Im sure in his mind its nothing to do with the police

I didn't read pages of replies no.

I'm sure he would say I only stop people who are speeding our he thinks are drunk driving.

The rest - stopping bullies he clearly feels strongly about justice but she needs to get him to stop the car thing. especially if they're uploading it as they actually reporting themselves.

To be fair they have enough to do dealing with drug dealing, theft, domestic abuse , drunk driving, knife crime , armed robbery smuggling illegal goods and the rest without being expected to be nice and kind to time wasting dickheads like your son and his friend who think it is fun to impersonate police, film it and put it on tick tock.

might be a good idea if he was picked up and left to spend some hours in a cell with a smelly blanket and a not very efficient toilet.

If he was mine I'd be really proud of him for holding down a well paid job and really proud that he stood up to bullies. There's more to life than constantly towing the line, keeping your head down and staying safe. I still think the police thing is stupid but I also think he sounds fun, there's nothing wrong with people taking risks and enjoying life or taking risks to stand up for other people. I'd much rather have a child or friend who lived life to the fullest and stood up for what is right.
Your post is a huge overreaction to the situation, he clearly does have consideration for others and has lots of strengths. You do realise even the best people in the world aren't perfect? Life isn't that black and white. Good people do some stupid things.

He may just pick on the wrong person. He has no idea who is in the vehicles he is pulling up. May just pick on the wrong one who will give him a good hiding or worse. He is on the right road for getting himself in serious trouble. If he is bright like you say he should be able to understand what he is doing is illegal. See if he will go & speak with his GP, although l know it's easier said than done. In the eyes of the law he is an adult and will be treated as such. I am sorry l do not have any answers for you.

As a psychiatrist (I wasn't aware psychs diagnosed for ADHD, I thought that was medical doctors - and has been for all of my family members who have been diagnosed) you would know about the massively delayed prefrontal cortex development that goes along with ADHD. So this 20 year old, with lots of money and a very expensive, flash car, could well be the emotional equivalent of a 15 year old.

As a secondary teacher, I can attest first hand to the absolute daftness and risk taking behaviour exhibited by even very NT 15 year old boys. They think they're indestructible and act first and think or repent later. Some of the stuff I've seen these lads get up to has been gob smacking.

Not sure what the OP can do about this aspect of things. Because he's 20 and therefore legally able to drive. Having seen the response of ADHD meds on several of my family members I think it would be good place to start. Maybe they'll do nothing. But maybe it'll help a bit. Sounds like they've all got a good income so a private diagnosis and prescription wouldn't take long and would be relatively accessible.

If he won't listen to you then you really need to report him to the police yourself before he gets someone killed.
People sometimes panic when they see unmarked police cars suddenly behind them and pulling over people suddenly, shouting at them etc could all be triggers for a nasty accident! He sounds completely irresponsible and selfish, he can't take the 'moral' highground for other incidents and 'helping others' when he is literally lying and risking others on the roads.

Tbh he sounds like someone capable of giving a good battering back

As a psychiatrist (I wasn't aware psychs diagnosed for ADHD, I thought that was medical doctors - and has been for all of my family members who have been diagnosed)

Are you referring to psychologists when you wrote 'psychs'?

If you are a psychatrist working as a school teacher than must be very useful.

I hope you find the help/advice you need OP. You sound like a wonderful parent and don't deserve some of the comments here.

My grandson is around the same age as your son and was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. He took medication but stopped after leaving school as he said it made him feel nothing, and he was so thin as it stopped him feeling hungry.

He is honestly one of the kindest, loveliest and funniest lads you will ever meet and would defend his loved ones to death. He also has a lovely gf and a job he likes. BUT he often drives his parents mad with his fear of nothing, silly antics, inappropriate comments and things like showering five times a day etc. Luckily I don't think he's done anything illegal but I can imagine him thinking the blue light thing is hilarious - Tiktok is responsible for a lot of these crazy things that kids and young adults blindly copy.

As he doesn't care about you warning him of the consequences but loves his family, could you maybe try a different tact - sit him down and tell him that his behaviour is hurting you a lot and making you mentally unwell. He might not care about getting himself into trouble or badly hurt but you do, a lot, and would be devastated if anything happened to him as you love him so much. Ask him direct questions like 'How do you think it makes me feel when you do x?'. Maybe also suggest he discusses his answers with his therapist. I think my grandson would react better to this than being told off. He always reacts so much better when being told he is loved and when he feels he is looking out for his loved ones.
Hope things get better for you xx

Maybe irrelevant but my younger brother was always “younger” than his peers in some aspects of his personality (birthdays later in the year, but also younger in behaviour). Age 18 he was doing daft things/ rash decisions /disorganised/ dropped out of studying/ eat loads one day and nothing for 2 days/ live off no money then buy 2 pairs expensive shoes.

Anyway he matured during his 20s. He’s now 30 and even though last year he travelled (without telling anyone) and got stuck for a couple of weeks in a foreign country, on the whole he’s much less of a worry. He’s not always going to make typical decisions but he has an opinion and often a funny tale, in some ways he has become successful. So I’d be optimistic that your son has time for maturing too.

Risk taking and chasing a dopamine high are classic adhd behaviours. I’ve no advice OP but really feel for you it must be nerve racking not knowing what he’ll do next 😳

He’s not nice. He’s a petty criminal who can’t control his behaviour. I have ADHD and it doesn’t make me commit crimes or cause run-ins with the police.

Stop enabling him and tell him that either he behaves or can find somewhere else to live.

@JLou08
Yes,
Wonderful living life to the fullest good people who have proper jobs/relationships may do stupid things true
Whilst "standing up" for the victim
But I think he's been very lucky with whom he's challenged so far
As he, I reckon won't always be so
As someone will badly react
And the situation escalate
Eventually.