Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

Doesn’t sound like he’s doing that does it? You’ve just added it on for a bit of drama

Basically the difference between a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist is that a Psychiatrist can prescribe. That's simplifying it, but that's the easy way to remember it xx

You don’t think that given everything the OP has said about his behaviour that it’s possible? I’d be absolutely horrified if anyone I knew was stopping drivers by impersonating a police officer. Horrified. One day it won’t end well for anyone involved. It’s not hard to see. Unless you completely understanding of consequences.

We’ve gone from “very likely” to possible then? 😉

If he’s adrenaline seeking, couldn’t he take up some extreme sports or something (or go on scary rollercoaster?s?!) ? I know they can be dangerous but least they’re legal/he won’t get beaten up or stabbed.

I wonder if some of the people applauding his behaviour would be quite so impressed if their adult offspring were driving around flashing fake blue lights and pretending to be cops, because they decided to play vigilante

Do you understand anything about dopamine seeking in people with ADHD? OP is calling him nice but dim. He’s not that. He’s dangerous. All she seems to care about are consequences to him. What about to others?

I mean, pouring a bottle of water into a drawer and then wondering why your clothes are wet doesn’t smack of having the brain of Britain does it?!

I don't have any instruction manual advice. But I have an ADHD DS who is a few years older who sounds similar. I always said it was like living with a combo of Del Boy and Frank Spencer with a dash of Al Capone 🙄, although he was more anti-social than your DS, and we did have police involvement. We had a few years when I nearly lost my mind. Some of these replying have zero idea about the realities of neurodiverse young adults. Those rather judgemental posters seems to forget that 35% of autistic men plan or attempt suicide, young adults with ADHD 10 x the suicide risk. They are dickheads, but they are vulnerable dickheads. Now my DS mid 20s his points and drugs conviction is causing him a lot of regret. BUT he is stable, working and in a relationship, own home They definitely calm down post-25. Long may it continue 🙏

what a beautiful film script

It's a text based site. Surely you need to read to access it?

I think you have exactly the right level of reaction for impersonating a police officer but everything else... meh.

He sounds exhausting. Brilliant, principled, characterful - and exhausting. But his mum loves him, his girlfriend loves him, he's holding down a job and meeting all of his financial responsibilities... Really could be worse.

Parents and teachers have the right to tell off, so to speak. But when you tell a kid with adhd off (especially when they don’t know they have it) you aren’t telling them off for something they even realise they’re doing wrong a lot of the time. So, for example, I was at a class watching my kids. A little girl was in the lesson and was clearly off in her own world. She wasn’t purposefully being defiant in ignoring the instructor’s instructions. She was just consumed by her own thoughts. The teacher says something along the lines of “Charlotte, stop ignoring me! You never pay attention and you’re never going to be able to do this if you choose to carry on acting this way.” Watching, it was very clear little charlotte had no idea she was not paying attention. She had been checked out entirely. And it happened again a few seconds after the teacher told her off. Why? Because she has adhd and that is a symptom. She had no control to keep her brain focused like the other kids do, yet she’s being told off repeatedly for just existing in her own little way. So she now feels like she’s being told off, when she never had anybintention to be rude or ignore her teacher. She’s confused because her teacher has told her she is “choosing” to fail…but she’s confused and doesn’t get what she’s done wrong. And this happens in most areas of her life, most relationships, every day.

Research by ADHD expert Dr. William W. Dodson estimates that by their 12th birthday, a child with ADHD receives approximately 20,000 more negative or corrective messages than children without the condition. That is why it makes a difference.

Could he and the girlfriend move to somewhere without a lot of injutsice that needs fixing?

I'm keen to join them!😂

Good post. I think you are really right

Makes a change for someone to really give their honest opinion on these types of postd

No matter what.

Well done.

This is both interesting and sobering. Food for thought.

Do you ppl actually not read? Her post says he works on the highways ffs

He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies

That’s all fine, the world needs people like that. The pranking is dumb though and needs to stop, it’s cruel.

"Lacking in common sense "
"Ditzy "
"Lazy"
"Unmotivated "
"Unreliable "
"Arrogant"
"Self interested"
"Rude"
"Slapdash "
"Doesn't care"
All of these were things I heard growing up. ^
Yes , we are incredibly infuriating.

We also know this. I appreciate the infuriating bit having had 1 with adhd (son).
Is he on adhd meds?
There's only so much you can do until natural consequences help him to understand that society + life won't grant him the grace others do.
But I would urge you (kindly) to rethink your language a bit. This is literally a brain difference in the frontal lobe of the brain which is in charge of planning, organisation, emotion , impulsivity (of thought/word & action), concentration and is considered a disability under the disability discrimination act. You do not "grow out" of it. You learn coping skills which makes you "seem less adhd" but it never goes away.

Has he explained why he had refused meds? Are you satisfied with the follow up he has had from his diagnostic service? Is there any peer support? Is his therapist an ADHD specialist? His behaviour is classic ADHD including the strong sense of justice but all those examples are definitely putting him at risk. Obviously, you can't harass someone into taking meds but it's a shame he does not seem to have grasped the benefits. Decent follow up and support would at least demonstrate what it has to offer. I'd look into changing the therapeutic environment around him if you can.

Agree.

I'd say the blue lights thing is something he is very invested in, while his friend is probably just doing it for a laugh and the tiktok likes, and I suspect he really sees himself as a caped crusader type, with his interventions on behalf of bullied teens, etc.

In your shoes, I'd ask a police officer to call around and give him a bollocking one evening.

Are you in contact with the therapist at all? Is she aware of his law enforcement fantasy?

Pretty much so given I am diagnosed with ADHD scored 9/9 in all areas and take the most medication you can with ADHD.

It still doesn’t quieten my brain fully but it allows me to keep the noise down.

I will be honest I probably would have been doing the same type of stuff if Tik Tok etc would have been around.

Both my children have ADHD. My whole blood related family have ADHD so yes I do know what I am talking about.

He has ADHD. Danger floods our brain with dopamine and quietens it giving extreme focus on the job in hand.

This isn’t a neurotypical with mental health problems doing a dangerous job. That probably is not recommended but for someone with ADHD it feels like thriving

I would say your last sentence doesn’t go far enough

When masking gets so physically exhausting that you give up

Walking out of a job, friends, your life and reinventing yourself and starting again. You get this rush annd feel incredibly alive.

The police aren't social workers.