To think MIL and SIL shouldn’t stop DD from caring about her appearance?

[theandl]

My MIL and SIL are quite different to me. They’re very much “looks are the least interesting thing about you” people and tend to look down on women who wear makeup, make an effort with clothes etc. They’re also very much of the “go on, have another piece of bread/pudding” school of eating and will make comments if anyone says no to dessert even when full.

I’m not particularly obsessed with looks but I do take pride in my appearance. I exercise, try to keep my weight fairly stable, wear makeup, make an effort with my clothes etc. I have a good job, 3 kids, went to Oxford, lots of hobbies, travel etc, so it’s not as though my appearance is my entire personality, but I do like looking nice. Mainly for myself rather than anyone else but also I guess my daughter so she’s not embarrassed to go to her mum by the school gates.

My DD is 7 and she’s quite similar to me in that respect. She loves choosing her outfits, doing her hair, pretty dresses, lip balm etc. She’s also bright, funny, loves reading and drawing, does gymnastics and is generally a lovely kid. She just likes pretty things and likes looking nice. Like many little girls I guess she copies me, her mum.

Recently MIL and SIL have started making little comments about it and it’s really starting to get to me. Things like “are we going through the whole wardrobe before we leave?”, “who are you trying to impress?” and “you know nobody really cares what you’re wearing, don’t you?”

The other day DD came downstairs in a new dress she’d picked out and clearly looked very happy with herself, thought she looked nice. SIL laughed and said something like “honestly, you are obsessed with looking pretty. It’s much more important to be clever.” DD just said “I am clever.” And that’s the bit that’s really got to me. I genuinely don’t care what they think about me. If they think I’m too interested in my appearance then fine, I’m an adult and can deal with it. But she’s 7. I don’t think adults need to be making comments to a 7yo about being vain or caring too much about how she looks.

Equally if she’s full and doesn’t want cake or another piece of lasagne, she’ll say “no thank you”, which I think is healthy. MIL will act all offended, as to them not finishing everything that someone has cooked is rude. By which I mean, if let’s say 10 portions of lasagne were cooked for 6 people and the surplus 4 were unfinished, it would be rude for people to say “no thank you” after they had eaten their original full portion and finished everything on their plate, just saying no to seconds.

Obviously I tell her that being kind, funny, clever, brave etc is much more important than being pretty. But I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with her liking dresses and doing her hair and wanting to look nice, twirling in front of the mirror and enjoying how she looks. They’re not mutually exclusive. I’ve told them to knock it off and they think I’m being too sensitive and that it’s only teasing. Other times they say that looks shouldn’t be something we think about at all but… people do think about looks, it’s just life!

I found it upsetting too. Also what has going to Oxford got to do with anything? I know plenty of pricks who went there frankly.

No, it was a kind of black Russian looking one 😁 This will probably out me to one of my sisters who is on here though!

My son (7) told me last week he was embarrassed of me when I dropped him off because I was wearing the t shirt I slept in.

My 7 year old absolutely does care about what she looks like/ wears and it's got nothing to do with her home life but the people she goes to school with and the remarks they already make. I was shocked at how young it became a thing. Someone told her that her shoes were ugly in Y1!

I think the language and the way they are approaching these things with your daughter isnt nice. How many young children really like to be teased about things they care about. There's a difference between having an honest conversation with a child and telling them not to worry, to taking the mick out of them if you ask me.

It is all of your jobs to make your daughter loved, cherished and valued regardless of how pretty or clever she is. You should all quit making judgements about what makes a person worthy.

My children never cared what I looked like at the school gates and I as an adult didn’t notice what other parents were wearing !
I pick my granddaughter up from school once a week and she is 7 ,she is just thrilled to see me and more interested in what treats I have in my car .
I think you need to re read your post. Am guessing MIL and SIL find you very superficial.

I think people are being a bit harsh here. I agree the school gate comment was a bit ott, but many, if not most, little girls of that age I know (and I know many, including my DD6, all her friends and loads of nieces) do have a developed aesthetic sense, and will apply it to themselves and those around them to look 'pretty'. My DD loves bright clothes, and will comment on hers/her friends/mine/a random person in the street if they're wearing something she likes. Likewise, she will bedeck herself with jewellery or put in 15 hair clips sometimes. It's not because she thinks being pretty is the most important thing about her, it's just a fun way to try out different things, just like trying out different ways to slide down a slide. Kids experiment. They like it when we comment on things they do. I don't think it needs to be much deeper than that.

Your MIL and SIL shouldn’t be commenting on your dd and what she’s wearing. It will give her a complex. Criticising and looking down on people for wanting to look good is a horrible trait. You’re not a better person for not giving a shit about your appearance. I also find it frustrating when some people seem to think you can be attractive or you can be clever, but in reality it’s not one or the other and they have nothing to do with each other. It shows a certain level of dimwittery and insecurity when people hold those views.

I hate the guilt tripping of people to eat beyond their limits. It’s a very unhealthy attitude to encourage in children. My dh’s extended family are food pushers and guilt trippers and as a result most people, kids and adults, in the family are overweight to varying levels. It’s terrible and I’ve had to really work hard to protect my children from that.

On the other hand, why would you think you would embarrass a young child at the school gates? Small children just see their mum standing waiting for them- they don’t notice what you’re wearing or how you compare to someone else’s mum. They love you however you are.

I think its perfectly healthy for your dd to exposed to the opinion that her looks aren't that important. It's not as though the rest of society (including you it seems) isn't going to tell her thst they are very, very important indeed.

I’m with you on the food thing OP- we teach our daughter that if your tummy is full then that’s fine, whether they’ve cleared 2 plates full of have had 3 spoonfuls, if she feels full then we’ll never force or guilt her into eating more. It’s important for them to learn to listen to their bodies around eating and hunger, rather than the “if you don’t clear your plate you don’t leave the table”.

But I do think you’ve got it wrong about the outfit situation. If you genuinely have a 7 year old who would be one bit embarrassed or even bothered what you wore at the school gates then you quite clearly care far more about your appearance than you say you do and have shared those same thoughts with your child for her to even be thinking along those lines. At 13 yeah, they probably would care although at that age no matter what you wear you’d still most likely be the embarrassing mum at the school gates but at 7 honestly those thoughts shouldn’t even be in her head.

Your entire post is looks-focussed. No, a 7 yr old shouldn’t be so conditioned to value appearance that she’d be embarrassed by her mum at the school gate, regardless of what she’s wearing. The ‘pretty dresses and lip balm’ thing is very learned too, as is multiple outfit changes over a short stay. Does she have a lot of access to social media?

At DD’s school at this age there was a small group who would today very much be the ‘Drunk Elephant’/brand aware cohort. All their mums were SM-focussed and extremely image aware. It was alarming to me how ‘dollified’ their girls were, and how much value was placed on superficial, social-climbing BS. Don’t get me started on some of the Insta-poses immediately struck by 6 and 7 year olds in birthday party photos. I saw one of them demonstrating to the others how she angled her hips sideways so they didn’t ‘look too wide’ and do a pouty, chin dipped, wide-eyed expression.

I don’t think your relatives are right to comment on your child’s appearance, but I can see why they might be.

So what do you want from people on here? They’ve said something you don’t like. You either tell them to stop or you go low contact. Doesn’t matter what anyone else on here thinks.

OP, you sound like a great mum. Your daughter sounds lovely also. MIL and SIL sound like they’re deliberately being arsey. Rise above it, support your daughter in what makes her happy, keep doing what makes you happy, let them judge!

They're rude.
I adopted my daughter. Me and my mum aren't fussed by how we look. But it's absolute inate to my daughter's personality since dhe was 3. And we're slightly mystified but TOTALLY supportive.
And we'd never force food down someone.

It only makes her daughter happy because she's been taught by her mum that looks are important and she gets praise for being pretty.

What has being a prick got to do with anything? I'm possibly nearer the MIL's age than the OP, but when i was young (1980s) there was definitely a school of thought that it was vacuous to be into fashion/hair/make-up etc and that intelligent women wouldn't waste their time on those things. One of the things I've loved seeing in recent years is that well-educated young women wear what they want, be that crop tops or a full face of make-up, and their intellect is not questioned like it used to be.

I think you tried to present your MIL and SIL as unreasonable and paint them in the worst possible light but I wonder if they are doing this because they sense that you are obsessed with looks, and your child is picking up on it.

Unless it's winter and her lips are chapped, why does a 7 year old need 'lip balm'? Pretty dresses are fine, but surely for the majority of the day she's in leggings and a top- something practical so she can play with ease. Why has the thing that your daughter picked up about you is how you dress and present yourself? I have sons and at 7 and 17 and they literally couldn't care how I dress.

Also, what if you did wear loud colourful clothes? Or that is the kind of clothes a mum in your child's class wears? Are you teaching her to notice that?

When my son was in reception, a very upset girl mum said to me that another girl had said to her: god your coat is so plain. Can't your mum buy you something pretty? And she said to me: where do they learn these ideas from at this very young age. This thread has been very eye opening in that regard...

Not necessarily true. See the post above yours. It can certainly be a part of someone’s personality, so OP’s DD may share this trait with her mother rather than it having been ‘taught’ by OP. I have a good friend who has simply always been into the aesthetics of clothing (less so make up), and her mum couldn’t be more different. It’s just part of who she is.

OP’s MIL and SIL have no need to make these little digs at OP, but it’s really out of order of them to be squashing and dismissing a part of DD’s joy in life.

I know people like your MIL and SIL. Funny that these people are usually always very unattractive themselves. I think it comes from jealousy- it’s not about the clothes, it’s because you and your daughter are attractive. If you were uglier they probably wouldn’t comment.

The next time they make a comment about how long she picks out clothes or her being pretty say "Actually we are trying not to talk about looks or clothes too much at all so if you wouldn't mind ... "

It seems like they are the ones making it all about looks/clothes. And what is with this "being clever is more important" shit. Not everyone is clever (it is called average intelligence for a reason and I bet MIL and SIL don't think they are of average intelligence. I would interrupt that with "we think being a decent human being is the most important thing actually"

With the food - well they can't force feed her. Just say after Granny hates when food is leftover but don't worry about it- it is just her thing.

But if they don't see her every day does any of it really matter??

I think they aren't helping, but I can understand being worried about a 7yo who's so focused on looking pretty. I don't think that's a particularly healthy thing for young dc to focus on, really.

This may not have anything to it at all, but something to think about: is it possible that your daughter is picking up you saying no to high-calorie foods for health/weight reasons, and is beginning to mimic that? And this is what MIL and SIL are picking up on? Might be worth reflecting on.

Has your daughter said she's been embarrassed by you or is this your own perception?
I do think that your relatives should not be having a go at a 7 year old though

Are your MIL and SIL cool girls?

Wanted to add, that while their comments could look like digs , they can also be concern/exasperation if they have to wait ages for you/DD to get ready, have to wait for you to redo hair/makeup at inconvenient times,you can’t put the bins out without makeup on,see DD miss out on playing properly because she’s wearing a white pretty dress at the beach/in the woods/another mucky activity, not wanting to do something in case she dirties/ruins her clothes etc. I’ve known people like that and it is annoying with adults and concerning with children.

Like I said before, if that’s where her interests are , fair enough, but there needs to be a balance.