AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

You can't have a child just to avoid offending random strangers.

It really isn't

Leave disabled people alone if you think their children would harm your life and existing child - he won't die without the op

He's not got a child, what are you talking about?

Just don’t. Life with an autistic child is hard. My adult autistic son, although much loved, is a lifelong responsibility. I don’t want my other son (not autistic) to have kids.

I rolled the dice (two autistic siblings). There is autism on the other side, too, though less severe.

My child is now also autistic.

It is very strongly genetic.

I have no regrets - I thought about it long and hard and I desperately wanted to be a mum. My child is my great joy, and I have come to see loving autistic people as my life’s purpose.

However, you are already a mum and need to back the child that you do have, who needs you, and is your life’s purpose.

Saying that, your partner is obviously not so autistic that he can’t form relationships and is verbal, so you’re perhaps more likely to have a mildly autistic child. The autism in my family can be quite profound.

There is no way of knowing, though. If you don’t like the odds, don’t roll the dice imo.

As the parent of a severely autistic child, I think you are very sensible.

I know a NT couple who have an autistic child that sleeps no more than 4 hours even with medication. I don't know the correct terminology but they are both mildly autistic and their daughter is non verbal and very much a challenge. Don't do this for you and certainly your DD.

YABU because even with a different partner there is no guarantee you won't have a child with autism.

If they are both mildly autistic then they're not NT.

No, obviously not but you massively increase the risk if you have a child with someone who is ND, plus you need to think about what sort of childhood you are providing for your kid with a parent who needs rigidity and routine and won't socialise. Answer: not a great one and I know that's not popular and that some people think that anyone who is mentally ill or autistic should be entirely free to procreate if they want to but often the outcome is really not good for the child and it's much better to put a hypothetical child's welfare above the wishes and dreams of an adult. My friend's brother reeeeeaallly should not have had children but did it because he wanted to and he's the shittest dad imaginable (not out of malice but just because he cannot cope, has limited empathy and can't handle disruptions to his routine). All of which ends up hurting his poor son (who is also ND with serious behavioural issues).

She doesn't want his child because it might be autistic and cause problems for her existing child

Tbh noone should have any children if you are worried about the risk of disability xoxo

I always wonder who is going to look after the child when their parent/s die. It's tough to think about.

I have two autistic children and one who is NT. My D reD who's NT is going out with someone who is also autistic. They keep talking about having a baby together but I really hope they don't.
I think with him being autistic and her having autistic siblings there's a really high chance their baby would be autistic. That's not to say I don't love my ND children, as I absolutely do but it's a very different life to what we expected.
If you are having doubts then don't have a baby with him. However its a conversation you need to have with him really soon. Otherwise you are being unfair to him and your DD.

And what about those of us who were undiagnosed, and didn't even know we were autistic until we had autistic until we had children who were diagnosed with it? There are a lot of undiagnosed people around, and believe it or not manage to function in the world, with our autistic children. It's not all doom and gloom, the problem stems from ignorance.

He hasnt got some awful disease. I dont believe it is inherited and I have lots of examples as evidence. On the whole you are being far too clinical and tbh quite mean.

My son is only level 1 autism, I absolutely point blank refused to have any more children as life and all the advocacy has been absolutely exhausting, I couldn't do it again or do it with a child that needed more help.

It's literally been proven that is inherited.

No way on earth would I risk it.

With him and his brother having it, the likelihood increases. I’ve seen the stress my friends with autistic children go through.

I have non-sleeper second child and the lack of sleep is very hard.

Of course there is a risk with any pregnancy but the family history makes it much more likely.

I dont think thats fair.

We all know that autism varies in its severity and there is no way at all to predict how affected children would be. If you know that is a far higher likelihood of a baby inheriting a condition, but no way of know how it would affect them, I dont think it is wrong to want to avoid it. I say this as an adult who wasnt diagnosed until very recently (I am in my 50's).

Would I have had children if I had the information that is available now, back then? I honestly dont know.

Yes, and those are sound reasons for choosing not to have a child in these circumstances.

None of us can guarantee anything. We can only improve our odds. OP was prepared to take the odds with her first child. This time round they'd be very different so this time round she doesn't want to take them. That's entirely reasonable and responsible.

It would be insane, stupid and massively irresponsible to have a child for some of the reasons being given on here, like offending random strangers or because she's glad her partner was born.

Partnering someone is very different to parenting them. You can love someone but not want to parent their traits. In fact, more people should be aware of this.

If my DH has taken that view, he wouldn’t have two children at great universities, he wouldn’t have grown as a person and been such an empathetic and supportive manager to the talented employees in his team. He would not have had 34 happy years, so far, with me. Yep, it’s been challenging. We’ve had some dark years with the kids, but the success on the other side is all the sweeter.

And of course, without ‘risking’ autistic kids we’ll never have another Alan Turin or Albert Einstein or a whole host of other extraordinary minds.

So where would you draw the line?

A family I know as lost one child to brain tumour with severe learning and physical disabilities for the 4-5 final years, has a second with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and both parents battling different cancers of their own. Neither knew the risks when they met and married. Their 3rd child is cancer free to date.

Then there are the friends with peanut allergies who can die at the slightest exposure; the friends with kids with dyslexia, the friends with a child with a spinal deformity that means they will eventually end up in a wheel chair and will never be able to have a baby? Or the deaf woman who lives at the end of our street - she was someone’s child once, too.

Oh, and the totally neurotypical kids who get in with the wrong crowd at school, discover drugs, sex, alcohol and go off the rails?

So again: where do you draw the line?

Perfectly good reason to decide not to have his child.

It’s not all or nothing, and has never had to be. People of course have to accept a level of risk if they choose to have children, but that doesn’t mean that nothing is within their control, or that they can’t or shouldn’t make decisions based on mitigating risk.

An autistic parent is significantly more likely to have an autistic child. That may be something that some are prepared to embrace, but equally others will not want to.

She isn’t depriving him of his own child. He’s a grown man that can make his own choices here. If not having his own children is a dealbreaker for him then he is quite free to end the relationship.

But he didn’t, and no one said he had to. He was free to decide for himself whether he was prepared to take that risk or not. It may have turned out well for you, but it can turn out terribly for others.

Where do you draw the line? Wherever you personally want to.

There is autism in my family (at least a parent and sibling) and my husband ND. It didn’t occur to me not to have children because that’s the husband I have and we both wanted children.

So far neither of our children have displayed any additional needs and I'm very aware it could definitely have been different as my nephew is showing strong signs of autism.

OP I wouldn't think that the genetic outcome is a given - but follow your gut/ instinct.

I'm saying she should leave him since she doesn't want his children

He deserves someone that doesn't think about him like that.