AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Because it is one thing to have a partner with certain traits and another thing to parent someone with those traits... especially with another existing child, and with a co-parent who, again, has those same traits.

Wow. My family has a lot of neurodiversity. We have all achieved a lot in life in different arenas: creative, academic, professional, performance. We love and are loved by our siblings. It seems quite jarring that if our parents had had prior knowledge they may have chosen not to have children as you are choosing not to.

I think your feelings are valid. But I would also say there’s a spectrum of autism where not everyone who has it, presents the way your partner does. Although obviously your partner would be a good indicator; it’s possible to have an autistic child where autism doesn’t impact their day to day. Eg I come across colleagues who say they have autism and I genuinely wouldn’t have noticed had they not said.

I have a dh who is autistic and we have 5 dc, 4 of whom are autistic as well. We had this discussion about having dc and we knew that it was likely the dc would be autistic but we both wanted to have the children. It's hard sometimes but it's also lovely.

Well, yes, exactly. The female family member (his mother?) with whom the OP's partner lives seems to be bent on protecting him from the rigours of adulting, housework etc. She presumably caters to his restricted diet. The OP is presumably also going along with his food rules, going to her family events alone, adapting herself to the demands of a man who cannot deviate from his routine.

I imagine he thinks she will also protect him from the difficulties of parenting, and that someone else will be doing the gruntwork, the 3 am feeds, dashing to A and E after a fall, picking up unexpectedly from school due to illness, cooking food suitable for a child even if it's not within his limited group of acceptable foods, coping with all the normal disruptions a child causes to routine.

I imagine if you asked him whether he would want to raise a baby with the OP if she had a disability that meant he would be doing all the hands-on childcare, he'd say no.

You’re right but equally their child could be far worse - non verbal, uncomfortable all the time, severely disabled and unable to live even an adjusted life.

Even more reason not to have one.

But that's not the point, is it? The point is at least partly, surely, that the OP's partner, routine-bound, unable to cope with family occasions, manage his own finances or eat a variety of foods, with a terrible sleep pattern, needing considerable notice about the slightest deviation from routine, is not going to be able to cope with the unpredictable demands of raising even the 'easiest' child.

Focus on what's right for you and DD and on what you feel.
It's not really an am I being unreasonable question.

I am skeptical they are actually autistic then if it has no impact on their lives.

The problem is that you just don’t know until you are in the situation what he will be like as a father. He may well be fantastic and lots are but in my experience my soon to be ex husband was ok until we had our neurodivergent middle child who is the same temperament as him.
I mean he had his issues but it was all manageable before. He turned into a nightmare, could not cope with our child behaviour and our home turned into a war zone with constant conflict and shouting between the 2 of them.
I ended up being absolutely drained from having to parent them all including ex husband, sticking up for my child constantly and had to walk away from the marriage for my child and my sanity.
I believe it has also caused a lot of difficulty for my other children.

My child is still difficult to manage at times but I no longer live in a war zone and he is learning by me trying to model good behaviour.
So don’t feel guilty as it’s a very really worry and very draining.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

My family is ND - though it's ADHD and SEN conditions rather than autism so far - and we've achieved a lot as well.

Your parents may have looked the risks or outcomes and still decided they were fine with it as many on here have done.

OP has a partner who looks like he'd struggle with parenting and an existing child she wants to priotise and is deciding she not up for the potential risks.

This is not about you - it's about her situation.

Parenting of any child getting harder in the UK and service cuts last decades have not helped those who need more support. Many people are looking at parenting and deciding no based on all kinds of reasons.

I wouldn't do it. I'm older than you and both my children are adults. Essentially they leave home and you are sort of dumped. That's hard enough with NT children, it must feel worse when you've given up even more of your life than most.

YANBU.

I am autistic, it was glaringly obvious but for various medically mysognistic reasons I wasn't diagnosed until AFTER I had a child who was also diagnosed with autism.

He's a beautiful child, with a beautiful soul and I can't imagine a life without him but my god the paperwork alone that comes with having a disabled child is absolutely soul destroying and I don't know how parents of multiple children manage the additional paperwork, the meetings, the appointments, the evidence gathering and having a fulfilling family life where everyone's needs are met and everyone's cups are full of love and energy.

I also haven't slept a solid 8 hours in almost as many years. My sleep is broken, we haven't had a local service for paediatric sleep issues until October so I was rather dazzled by the notion that there would be support but it actually wasn't very forthcoming.

My son being an absolute delight to me, and me being an absolute delight to my mother doesn't make up for the woeful lack of services and support for autistic and disabled children in general so I think it's wise to consider the risk of having children with an autistic partner.

How much does he actually want a child? How much do you want another child? If it's a great relationship, it would be a shame to end over something that both of you might be okay with (ie not having any kids together). If you want another child, you will need to meet and date someone else, move your DD in with them and get pregnant. Realistically, that could be 4-5 years so she'd be 9 or 10 when she gets a new half-sibling, which could be disruptive for her. Obviously if he really desperately wants to be a dad, that would be different (although he sounds a lot like my friend's brother who is coping spectacularly badly with being a father, as is his ND wife, to the extent that I think social services will get involved at some point).

Do you think your partner’s parents wish they never had him? Presumably you are grateful that they did?
Obviously you can make your own mind up about not having a child for whatever reason you like but this seems pretty offensive to people who are ND.

Many previous posters who have autistic children have said they think the OP is right.

Medical profession swings back and forth re causes of autism. Thirty yrs ago the prevailing opinion was environmental factors rather than genetic. Sounds as if you should try to get some advice as to what the risks actually are. Your current fears are a kneejerk reaction to your DP's sibling also being ND. But there are cases of identical twins where only one has autism. Also, remember that autism can be mild as well as severe. Many parents who have an autistic child first go on to have a NT child next. With regard to your DD, a relative of mine has an autistic child and a NT child, who is a wonderful caring sibling and mature beyond chronological age because of it. It doesn't always have a negative effect.

What do you mean by 'autistic' though? It's a massive spectrum these days. Are we talking barely verbal, barely aware in a social setting, rocks back and forth in the corner? Or are we talking slightly awkward, a bit blunt, and too into maths?

I wish people would stop the tedious virtue-signalling loop of getting offended on behalf of someone/something/anything else.

It is offensively self-centred to constantly put yourself in the middle of someone else's real difficulties in this manner.

From experience, co-parenting with a ND partner is really really hard. That would give me more pause for thought than anything else.

Would you consider having a child with your current partner conceived by IVF with donor sperm?

I find this thread really interesting. My partner is the autistic child of autistic parents and decided at 10 he was not going to be a dad. He had a terrible neglected childhood and felt he wouldn't be equipped to be a good dad. It's sad, I think he would have been brilliant but it's his choice. His sister is autistic and has two on the spectrum and is brother is autistic and had 3;who have gone on to have autistic children too. I think it's good you make the choice not to.

I have 2 autistic children. You're being sensible, and brave, and I respect that.

The only slight tweak I'd make is that he gets to say if the relationship breaks up as a result. If it's a deal breaker for him then he gets to end it, IYSWIM, he doesn't get dumped for deciding that a child is more important to him than you are. So I would not frame it that you would break up with him if he does choose a child over you. He doesn't need "setting free for his own good". He just gets to end the relationship or it's a mutual end point.

Unless of course you want to split up with him anyway so you can find someone else to have a baby with.

Okay but you both want a child and you don’t want a child with him - I think by staying together you’re being unfair to him and taking away his chance at a family. He deserves to find someone who wants to have kids with him and accepts the risk that brings.

I am autistic and looking back so was my grandmother and aunt. If my husband didn’t want to have children with me because of this I would have wanted the opportunity to move on and find someone who would. We have three kids now, DS is autistic but to be 100% transparent DD is more challenging just because of her personality (she takes after me). I understand you don’t want to risk having an autistic child and that’s your right, but it’s a bit unfair on him imo. You need to at least tell him and be 100% honest. If you value his honesty you should be honest with him.

I’m a mum of a ND child and I get it, no judgement here. My child is high functioning and life’s not that hard but I get how you’re feeling and don’t think you’re wrong for feeling how you feel.