AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I think @ZedNotZee54321 was responding to another PP who was basically saying autistic adults make rubbish parents so they shouldn't have children. @ZedNotZee54321 was just pointing out, quite rightly, that that's not always the case.

Either way, OP knows her partner and if she doesn't want to have his child then she absolutely shouldn't. Good for her for being brave enough to make that decision.

Why is she responsible for leaving him? Is he not capable of making that choice for himself?

This is so very true. Excellent post.

I have two kids with autism. Both at opposite ends of the spectrum. The 14 year old has learning difficulties as well and last week punched me in the face.

As both your partner and his brother are autistic, that feels like there could be a strong chance of having a child with asd. I find my older one (17) easier to deal with but it’s not an easy life at all. NT sibling has been massively impacted. Your partner might find dealing with a baby difficult. I think if you both want children and understand that you might have a disabled child. My older one with asd has said he was never have children as he doesn’t want to risk having a child with autism that’s like his sister.

I don't think so, have a kid because you want them

But if you're gonna say to someone - let's be together but I don't want your kids, lest they be like you - yabu

He should find someone who would love him as a whole, not the op.

As I've said, it's all moot now as the op said she's leaving him so the situation is sorted

Also - if the thought of having a kid who is disabled puts you off - don't have kids.

Women can draw the line wherever they want, since they always end up doing most of the childrearing. Such as not having kids with ND men, not having kids too late, not having kids with a man over 50...
All these raise the chance of having an ND child so are perfectly valid reasons to not have a child. Everyone has a different appetite for risk. Your DH clearly has a high appetite. OP doesn't want to risk it so she doesn't have to.

YANBU for not wanting to risk taking on a responsibility you may not be able to handle. Looking after a NT child is hard work, looking after a child with a disability can be even harder work. Not because the child is less worthy or loved, but because the world is not set up for them and depending on the circumstances you may need to fight much harder to give them the chance to be as happy and healthy as they can.

I do think though that if your honest answer to “would I be able to manage having a second child with a disability” is ‘no,’ then you should think long and hard about having another child with anyone, because babies are born to two perfectly NT people everyday. It’s not nearly as rare as you’d think it is.

Given how the OP described him, I think he should think carefully about having children at all because he doesn't sound like he can meet their needs. Obviously as he's a man, it will probably get totally outsourced to the child's mother who then also has to deal with a partner who can't come with her to family functions (or presumably kids' birthday parties or playdates or parents evenings).

@MeVengo
You're not been selfish
You're being sensible and rational
And considering every possibility as best you know how
I'm just going to say that I don't think you should
But it is very genuinely up to you
And,
If you decide not to
Then best you part ways now as
You've a DD to care for anyway and
Another thing I've thought of is
What if you do have baby
And he can't cope with how it realistically it'll more than likely be
Are you able to contend with a demanding baby plus partner who cant cope because it wasn't how he imagined it all?
He's autistic true
But I've friends who got blamed when baby wasn't what the father wanted and it became all the mothers fault

This
why would you deliberately make your life difficult?

The thing for me is

'i don't want a disabled kid'

Don't have more kids.

What a thoroughly depressing thread. Pretty much a consensus that having children with someone ND is to be avoided. Shocking really but unfortunately not surprising. Not much hope for our ND children and young adults going out into the world with these attitudes about. ND or NT, disabled or not, there is no way of knowing how some hypothetical child with a different partner is going to impact your life in the future.

Sorry but so many of them do make rubbish parents. Not all but many (especially dads) and they don't see it. My dad was ND and this was horrible to grow up around and he had a foul temper, was incredibly controlling and could not cope with general parenting. I have heard so many similar stories and I find it baffling that people believe that someone like the OP's partner who struggles with day to day tasks and any changes to their routine and can't bring themselves to socialise with their partner's family would suddenly morph into a wonderful parent who fully meets all their child's needs.

The concept of reducing risk appears to be a new one for many posters. Yes, you can have an autistic child even with an NT partner. But the risk is far lower.
This is exactly why many women opt for pre-natal testing. To reduce their risks. I did.
And some don't, because they are happy with any child. But women ARE allowed to choose to reduce the risk.

Not everyone has to have children to have a fulfilling life so maybe stop pushing that line when judging whether there is hope for ND young adults. If you have a condition with traits that make it very difficult for you to parent AND there is a serious risk that your child could have an even more severe form, including having violent rages, physically assaulting parents and carers, being non-verbal and needing life-long care, I'm not sure why anyone thinks having kids is a good idea.

I'm sorry you found the thread depressing. But I will not have a child with this man because people find it depressing, because I'm worried about offending others, or because I should want a child with autism. Like some suggested on this thread.

This is not a case about me not being capable of loving a disabled child. If I ended up with a child with additional needs I would give that child everything I could possibly give. I am simply choosing to lower my risks, rather than stick my fingers in my ears and say lalalala it won't happen to me.

I am not here to offend anybody by my decision.

Absolutely. My DD was IVF (due to her dad's factors) I had a full genetic screen done. Women carrying and let's be honest, doing most of the childrearing, can absolutely lessen the risk as much as they like. And that should not offend anybody whatsoever!

People make all sorts of decisions to reduce the risk of something making their lives harder and I don't see how this is any worse than anything else.

I also agree that it sounds like this man would struggle to cope with parenting in any case.

I'm autistic and my ex husband has ADHD. We weren't diagnosed when we had children but had our son who has autism then our daughter who has autism and ADHD. My son was very challenging having multiple meltdowns every day for years so in the end we barely left the house as taking him anywhere was more trouble than it was worth. My daughter's issues only emerged when she started high school and my son had continuous difficulties throughout his childhood. My husband couldn't cope and we ended up divorcing. I think if I'd known we were both neurodiverse at the beginning I'd definitely have thought twice about having children. As well as impacting our lives negatively it's been heartbreaking seeing our children struggling and unhappy a lot of the time. I've personally struggled throughout my life but was just labelled as difficult, too sensitive etc and smacked a lot. I don't really think my genes were worth replicating and I probably should have remained childless, it was mainly pressure from my parents and society that led me to have children if I'm honest.

I therefore don't think you're being unreasonable and that if your partner had a child who was like him, he may well struggle to cope.

I probably wouldn’t if I were you but I also wouldn’t tell him the exact reason as this will really hurt his feelings I’d probably just say you’ve changed your mind and don’t feel another child is the right thing for you.

Unfortunately, I feel dc1 will say something similar. Esp when/if he becomes a father himself.

And I’m not keen on the whole ‘it depends if they are severely affected or not’
First because autism is not a linear condition with mild on one end and severe on the other.

But also because one person might look ok from the outside - as in working, has a partner, some hobbies - but actually their disability shows up, very clearly within a family environment.
They don’t mask there, some stuff can’t be hidden anyway. They need to time to decompress from the demands of work etc…

Yes some autistic parents are great parents. I suspect even more so if their dcs are ND themselves (I’m talking about the fact needs are différent and so is tge communication style).
But is the case for all autistic adults? I don’t think so.

I can't put this anymore polite than this will be. But what mother wants to have a disabled child? What child wants to be disabled? I'm minimising my risk as much as I can. It's as simple as that.

I thought this too. If it's not hard enough just trying to bring up AuDHD child, since his diagnoses I have started to understand just how unaccommodating the world is to ND children.
My son and his girlfriend are both autistic, they are both limited in their abilities, I really can't imagine at what point you suggest they shouldn't have children together or separately or how much help they will need. That said though, my brother we think is very autistic and he's a brilliant Dad to my niece.

However, OP you have every right to decide against having another child for whatever reason, you don't actually need a reason at all.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I chose to never procreate because of the risk of creating another person who is subject to the same mind as I am. I am a functioning human who looks successful and put together but the inside of my mind is like hell. I live in a state of constant anxiety about everything I can’t control or anything that is remotely outside of the norm. I function, but it’s like being in a constant state of fear. I would never subject another person to the risk of inheriting my mind. My view - which is a bit mean but it’s aimed at myself - is that if I was an animal you’d be breeding out my line!

'It's hard enough just trying to bring up Audhd child.'

that's precisely what I'm trying to minimise.