AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I would worry that your DP might like the idea of having children but that the reality might prove too much for him. Even NT children can be loud, unpredictable and destructive and, as your DP ages, he may well get more and more set in his ways and find it harder to adapt to the needs of a child.

You know him and his level of autism best of course, but I'd just point out that it's not just the potential baby and your current DC that could be badly affected, and how would you feel about parenting solo if he decided it was all too much?

Just putting it out there as an idea, how would you feel about using a sperm donor?

I had my first at 22 and then 2 more now in my late 30s
My daughter is 17 so it is nice to have my 2 little ones now
Don't wait too long though, I cannot believe I'm back to sleepless nights at 39 haha
Tbh it was kinda easy with my 2nd, he's 3 now, but with the new baby, it's not easy.

Don't know how old you are, but anyone in their late thirties or above probably knows lots of people who "didn't" have autism at school, as it was relatively rare in the 90s/early 00s, but has since been diagnosed, so my point is that a massive number of people will have had kids with someone they thought was NT in the last decade or two.
But no is the answer when it comes to having a kid, in any circumstances, unless both parents very definitely want to. Irrelevant why, you should never have a kid if you have any doubts. It's hard enough when you are very keen.

I am not familiar with autism, so apologies in advance if I make a mistake.
But having read your post, I did wonder
Would it help to check with a professional to confirm how high the risk is in your specific case, rather than the general case, given there are so many varying degrees ? Although, I guess basing it on personal history is also a good indicator/

"I didn't know the extensive struggles he and his family had, until recently."

Your relationship has developed to the point of you moving in together... I think he could have raised this issue a lot earlier.

It seems such a pity, but at the same time quite an obstacle, that only the truth will do so that you both have enough accurate information to decide what works for each of you and if that is compatible.

I too understand your concerns and you have every right to choose whether to get pregnant or not.
Other side of things, I’m autistic. I’m late sixties. I’ve managed university, marriage, four children and a good career (clinical psychologist, heading up an autism diagnostic team).
What we don’t know and obviously can’t predict is the future. We’re all different and whilst I would never want a ‘cure’ , I understand that others do.

I really mean so mild.
Two of the three wouldn't even admit to it.
I just know because of two of the three having private educational assessments.
They excelled at school, perfect students, but definitely needed their down time afterwards.
Fussy about foods.

As a parent you follow their lead.
The educational psychologist told me that success now was very largely down to being raised in a super calm, comfortable and nurturing home where the focus was on their comfort.
I never returned to my career and was fortunate that money was never an issue.

The two with the most obvious (to me) asd traits are lovely people but absolutely selfish about their needs being met.

My other child is adhd but a real go getter.

They are great young people but the two with ASD I could see definitely struggling with the demands of parenthood.

Their comfort is of paramount importance, just like their father.

This resonates. It’s the extra effort and building your life around, mine will not do activities and are not able to and school won’t them go to after school clubs for example. So that’s a huge thing as every activity and sport has to be done one on one with me or DH and one of us has to pick them up after school, so has impacted what work we can do. Simple things like getting socks on in the morning, if there is one bump in the sock then we have a huge issue, if we can’t find the right shoes it’s an issue, just getting ready in the morning is 10 x harder. We are exhausted. We also have hardly any life outside the kids. School is meetings after meetings, more time, paperwork, phone calls, assessments, it’s just not easy. Wouldn’t change them for the world but it’s all encompassing. There is very little of me left now. Hoping for a resurgence of my life if they ever move out

I'm so sorry OP. You are being very brave to end the relationship. I had no idea what the outcome of marrying my (soon to be ex)H would be. I had no idea he was autistic but its become very clear over the years that this is the case. I had no idea about autism at all in fact. Wasn't on my radar.
My DS1 has AuADHD. This is a fairly recent diagnosis (he is a young adult) but I've always known he was different. Life for him has always been a struggle. And as a result, more difficult for me and DS2 (not particularly DH who never dealt with any of it)
I don't see him moving on for a long while. He finds existing so hard. I love him very much, but I never understood how 'easy' a child could be until I had DS2 who is NT.
Would the knowledge of his possibly inheriting autism have changed my outlook? Probably not, as I had no experience of children at that point in my life. And obviously I would change nothing now. He's my boy. But in your shoes, yes I think you are making a mature decision to put your child first.

Why would you feel shit for prioritising your child, who actually exists in real life, over a hypothetical child who doesn’t even exist?

A partner (or a parent) who is on the spectrum is very different than a child.

You adapt to your child. That’s what you do as a parent. And yes your child is amazing etc… I think the same about both my dcs, one NT, one ND.

And my (autistic) dh a great person. There’s a reason why I married him. But as a partner and as a father? That’s a different kettle of fish.
Because the places where he struggles are making it hard for him to be partner and a father.
Eg the unpredictability of children is something he struggles A LOT with. The noise, another person in the house, having to postpone his special interest, the so many things you give up when you become a parent. Now that both dcs are at Uni/starting work, he recognises he wouldn’t to have any of them back at home for more than a week or two. Too hard to deal with.

It doesn’t mean dh isn’t a great person, not does it mean that the OP’s DP isn’t. It means that their disability can get in the way of making a harmonious house. Or the partner has to pick up the pieces, which is extremely hard for the NT partner.

Im saying that, not just as the partner of an autistic dh and mother to an autistic child, but also as a disabled person myself. It’s foolish to think a disability doesn’t make some stuff harder.

Do you want to be a single parent with 2 kids with one being autistic or a nightmare child, if not then dont do it as this could be your reality and your partner may be lovely but how would he be as a father

Having produced 3 ND kids with the youngest who will never leave home. Id agree with you. Sorry OP and we didn't have sleep issues at all.

Absolutely this. An autistic friend of mine from a previous workplace had a wife and two (NT) children, and I really felt for his wife, who did literally everything (as well as work FT in a demanding NHS role) because he got so overwhelmed by the slightest deviation from a cast-iron routine. Ideally, what he wanted was to come in from work daily and not see anyone until bedtime so he could decompress (not ideal when you have two primary-school aged children) and to not have to leave the house at all at weekends, just 'relax' (meaning scroll around on his ipad or game).

Even the most minor 'extra', like having to take the children to their swimming lesson on Saturday morning as a one-off because his wife had a dental appointment, or a parents' evening at school, would elicit huge amounts of sighing and complaints because it was 'too much'. I mean, I believe him that he genuinely experienced them as too much, but as you can imagine, it was a bit shit for his children, whose earliest lesson was 'Don't bother Daddy -- he's on his computer'.

Unsurprisingly, the marriage ended. I think his wife burnt out. He only had the children for short visits afterwards, never overnight. Too stressful. Again, I believe him, but it's not great for the children.

You don’t need to predict the future in order to acknowledge the significantly increased risk of having a child with autism or other neurodevelopmental conditions. That’s just a fact.

Not wanting to take that gamble, very reasonably, isn’t an ‘excuse’. Something be worth it to you doesn’t mean that it would be worth it for everyone.

I think this is the most tactful approach.

I'm Audhd and have two ND kids. It's H A R D.

I'm coming at this from your partner's perspective, has he thought about the implications of his own neurodiversity by having children? Parenting is relentless and frequently overstimulating for me. I often have to retreat for silence and try to regulate again. The organisation and mental load it requires to be a parent is often too much for me. Obviously I don't know how his ND affects him but it's something he needs to think through thoroughly.

My concern for you as a NT mother is that if your partner couldn't handle certain situations/environments with kids then it will be down to you to deal with. Soft play parties for one thing! 🙃

It's good you're thinking about the reality of this. Sometimes the best decision feels the worst in the short term OP 🫂

You don’t have to have a baby with anyone. Any reason is OK for that. I wouldn’t want such a high risk of an autistic child either as you don’t know what end of the spectrum they will be on. But I would let partner decide if he wants to leave based on that. So no I don’t think you ABU.

Especially as you’d have to do most of the work as ASD partner would likely say his Autism prevented him from doing lots of the hard stuff.

You need to be honest with him, if he wants children and you don’t won’t to have them with him then that’s ok, but he needs to know so he can decide whether he is willing to be in this relationship knowing you won’t have children with him.

So no, not being unreasonable for not wanting a child with him, but that would change to unreasonable if you don’t tell him.

I'm a mum to an 5 year old boy with ASD and my DH has AuDHD and my God is it bloody hard. I love my son to bits but it completely dominates our life and it's so bloody hard. I think you are right to hesitate. My son has never slept until he was prescribed with melatonin at 5. He has alot of sensory needs. We are called into school on a weekly basis. I have no idea what the future looks like. DH is not much help as he's on another planet. I'm exhausted and long for some normality.

My neighbour married a mildly autistic man. He has 4 autistic children, 2 mild with first wife and 1 mild and 1 severely autistic with his second wife. The severity autistic child is very hard work and screams and hits them a lot. He is 15 now and bigger than the dad, they said they cannot cope and find it difficult taking him places. School and home are the only places he will go. They are most concerned what to do with him after school ends. I feel incredibly sorry for them. I personally would not knowingly make a child with someone autistic.

don’t do it:

for you, for him, for your daughter and for the potential child. It’s 100% absolute definite no from me. For everyone. But especially you.

So it sounds like you want another one but not with him. If you want to stay with him then why not just say I don't want another child instead of making it about autism? It can't make him feel great.

You don't live him, yet...
Before any ND factors, many people change when they move in with someone.
If he moved in, how would he be to parent DD?
Then new baby, how would he be?

You have an existing family unit, its an uncomfortable truth that many need to think hard about having new a new unit even with a perfect setup. Our support services in the UK are getting weaker and weaker, it's profoundly sad to have to say no, but DD and you and what you know feel like priority now with someone that is still a relatively new relationship.

You also need to be sure you're healed from your Ex, as can take time and can be attributes in new partners that appease past pain, but are not sustainable.

"I don't want a child to suffer like you". That's empathy.