AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

No, I think she's making a good decision not having kids with him.

However, I DON'T think all the issues are down to his ND.

My stepdaughter also only uses specific cutlery. She takes responsibility for washing it, drying it and taking it with her. We don't have meltdowns about it because she knows no-one is washing it for her.

OP is ableist because of her assumptions that all ND people are useless and that an ND child would be an affliction who will blow up the life of her daughter. Other posters have also said that ND people make bad, undesirable partners and bad parents. That's what's ableist.

It's also ableist to say that and then gaslight ND posters by saying that it's our ND causing us to think that people saying ND people are bad partners, bad parents, bad children and bad siblings is insulting and ableist.

I think that a lot of the flak you are getting from the autistic people posting here is because autistic people lack what is called theory of mind. In other words, lack of ability to see things through another person's perspective.

😲😲😲

So rather than engaging with what we’re saying, you’re suggesting that our disagreement can be explained away by autistic people’s supposed inability to understand anyone else’s perspective?

You’re dismissing our contributions by attributing them to a cognitive deficit—and apparently don’t see the irony of doing that in a discussion about ableism.

But there’s no ableism on this thread. None. Nothing to see here, folks…

‘What concerns me is a collective pile of people promoting the idea -, uncritically and without any real insight or balance, - that disabled children are fundamentally inferior, wrong, a burden to their families (especially siblings), something that "blows up" or ruins your life , a terrible misfortune "inflicted" on others, etc.’

You are addressing all posters on this thread therefore inferring that that we cannot speak on our personal experiences with neurodiversity without being part of the above statement.
Myself and many many posters are NOT doing any of the above.

It's coming from the very people IN that situation though. Who do you and others on this thread think you are to invalidate others experiences like that?

Why are you still even on the thread if it's winding you up that much?

You are very, very defensive of your life..Putting down the OP because she'a single and you are happily married is a low blow.

I am perfectly happy to believe that you have a great life. I wouldn't want it. I am not cut out to be a stepmum. Just like OP- who has recovered from cancer which may recur- would likely find it hard to have an ND child who takes after her partner. Nothing wrong with making our lives easier- for us, not your definition of easier- as much as we can

I assume you wouldn't want my life either, and I don't feel the need to defend it.Horses for courses.

nobody said ‘all’

nobody used the word ‘all people with x diagnosis’ are like this or are inferior

nobody said that

Actually I can’t see where anyone used the word ‘inferior’ at all, only you used this word ?

I've been a single mother to my child for 3 years, but yeah, you know best.

And of course I can have aspects of your life. I may need the man of my dreams tomorrow on the tube. But aside from meeting someone compatible with me, like you have you, I don't want any other part of it. Whatever floats your boat n all that.

Please point out to me where I've said all autistic people are useless? I have never, ever said that. I've said I DONT WANT TO RISK HAVING A BABY WITH AN INCREASED RISK OF AUTISM.

Fuck me you lot do love to twist and change things don't you?

OP, don't bother. Just step away from the thread. ( Though I don't seem to be able to, myself! ). I am fascinated by the train of thought that thinks giving your kids the best chance at life is ableist.
But they won't agree.

I'm pretty sure they're reading a different thread. I wouldn't bother dude

I think you are making a very sensible call and it's clearly because you are more focused on your daughter than your relationship which is how it should be. Some will batter you, but on the face of it, you're a very good mum.

@MeVengo
Another thing I've thought of whilst going through your thread
Do you think if you were the autistic one
He'd still be there tying himself in knots over you??
Probably would've moved on by now
And sod your feelings

It's a waste of breath really. Although Mosley entertaining how they can make something out of nothing..

Thank you, means a lot.

What concerns me is a collective pile of people promoting the idea -, uncritically and without any real insight or balance, - that disabled children are fundamentally inferior, wrong, a burden to their families (especially siblings), something that "blows up" or ruins your life , a terrible misfortune "inflicted" on others, etc. I am concerned about this because these attitudes are very prevalent in society and have very real harmful impacts on disabled people, children and their families .

No one has said this or implied this. Every child deserves love and care.

But if someone wants to take specific precautions to avoid complications / birth defects, that is not saying disabled children are inferior.

By your logic, people who get tested for inherited medical conditions like cystic fibrosis or Huntingdon's disease before getting pregnant shouldn't get tested at all.

Did you take folic acid? Surely women shouldn't take folic acid in pregnancy to avoid birth defects, by your logic?

I don't think he would be capable of doing so. He's very loving and affectionate but he's not the most pragmatic thinker and struggles to see my perspective on things. Which I was willing to work with to an extent which is why I was with him for so long. It's hard to say as all my medical things came before he did. He was vocally very supportive but I couldn't say if shit hit the fan or if I became disabled if he'd be able to cope.

I’m starting to think this too? I keep wondering if I missed posts but I can’t see where anyone said any of these things.

Let's look at the science.

Certain traits are strongly associated with Autism. This is why someone is diagnosed as Autistic and not with a different condition. Justice sensitivity can be mapped to specific elements in the DSM-5 criteria, most notably criterion A, B.2 and B.3. Studies have also consistently shown that those with autism are far more likely to be monotropic individuals. This is a quote from one such study:

monotropic individuals' emotions are extreme – terror, ecstasy, rage and desolation alternate with detachment. Judgements are also extreme, so the acceptance of uncertainty and unpredictability and the existence of categorical uncertainty need to be taught

This is clearly a possible explanation as to why someone posters with autism can appear to latch onto an idea like ableism and look to apply it to any negative accounts of disability. The categorical uncertainty that surrounds posts like OP's can be confusing. There is a need to correct the deviation from the perceived rules around ableism.

It's clear in your mind that you can't accept that many of these posts on this thread can be completely accurate and share their negative experiences associated with disability and not be ableist.

I think the key here is your partner doesnt seem that able to cope with his own life let alone a baby. @MeVengo honestly mine was the same, wonderful in many ways but hopeless in others. A child would have been too much for him. The thing is even if you split up, who knows what the future may hold. You may even get back together without the whole baby issue hanging over you.

Because they haven't been said. For some reason a few people have decided to be offended and spit and snarl all over the thread making shit up and disregarding people's actual experiences as parents of ND kids and partners. It's very strange and oddly the name calling has only came from them.

I agree. We however won't be getting back together. Sad all round but I won't enter another relationship with him.

Where did she say that?

She has repeatedly elaborated on what she means, what she believes she can cope with, and going off how much the potential father needs and taking the considerations you would expect most when it comes to possibly having a child with someone whether they are ND, NT, or have a disability that would make things more difficult living in our current society, yet you want to argue against her own meanings and call her ableist.

Nowhere has she said ALL, you are choosing on your own to insert that.

You’re ‘contributing’ by insisting on arguing against points that no one has actually raised. That isn’t a contribution, that’s a me-rail derail.

No one has said you cannot or should not have a positive experience of autism. No one has said you shouldn’t be able to express your positive opinions of it. What has been said is that you don’t get to control what other people think, decide, and choose to share in the public forum. You may not like them recounting negative experiences of autism because it’s runs counter to the narrative that you wish to dictate, but has never been and is not your place to dictate a narrative.

You don’t like and are offended by what OP and others say? Okay, and so what..? No one owes you silence lest your feelings get hurt. Your hurt feelings are yours to deal with, they’re not something anyone else is obliged to spare you from.

It is so absolutely reasonable and understandable (for a number of reasons) for the OP to end this relationship and not want to have a child with this man (being berated for not wanting to have a child that does not even exist in reality!) that I genuinely cannot think of any other reason behind the opprobrium shown to her.

And yes lack of theory of mind is associated with autism.

People thinking she's unreasonable for not wanting a child that doesn't even exist? That is not even conceived? 😕
Utterly bizarre.